Falling into Love - my journey home

This blog. This beautiful platform. It's been a lifesaver for me, on so many occasions, through so many years, over so many lifetimes. Recently it's been calling to me again... the whisper has been growing... and I've been blocking it. Until now.

"Write Mel, write it all out. Hear the call. Pay attention. Claim your voice. Write it all out, so others may one day hear it too..."

I'm a stubborn so-and-so, as everyone who knows me will confirm. And the funny thing is (yep, funny peculiar as well as funny ha-ha) that the one I tend to be most stubborn with...is... myself. 

Growing up in an era of "stiff upper lip" and "carry on regardless" my earlier years were spent fighting. Fighting against a world that couldn't see me, wouldn't hear me, and certainly didn't encourage me to explore my deepest fear that somehow I didn't fit in. I interpreted it as "there's something wrong with me" rather than hearing the truth that was screaming from inside... "there's something wrong with the system"

An hour or so before I started writing this piece, I was curled up under my duvet in floods of tears. Exhausted. Bewildered. Overwhelmed with grief (for myself and the world around me) and fear (for what I've known all my life, and for what I now witness playing out around me) - that I'm alone. That I've always been alone. That nobody is coming to save me or do it for me.

Boom. There it is, right there, the whole point - the deepest fear and the key to salvation. Here, most probably, is the reason I'm feeling what I'm feeling, so very deeply right now. Those same feelings I've held for over half a century... The grief and aloneness in recognising again that this is all part of the conditioning. 

This is part of the system that has been tearing me apart since my earliest childhood. I feel it as clearly today as I did when I was tiny. The way I see it? We've been trained to look outside of ourselves for salvation. We've been persuaded that we're sinners. We've been encouraged to foster an unquestioning belief in authority... be that family members, teachers, bosses, experts, scientists, government or any other 'higher power'... the now ridiculous notion that others know what's best for me. And yet, in my experience, there is nothing and nobody outside of us that can truly understand, hear, or honour our deepest yearning - other than ourselves. 

Mine is to love and be loved. And I've spent most of my fifty-plus years looking for other people to fulfil it. Feeling that 'hole' within me again today has sent me back inside. Falling into the place I have come to know and love over the years. And in falling in, listening, paying attention... I came back out again, clearer, lighter, and brighter.

Shame is a killer. And in the 'carry on regardless' regime that I had followed so willingly, any acknowledgement of feeling alone was a weakness. The knowing that I yearned so deeply for love, for acceptance, for sharing, for connection? Well, that meant that I was being selfish and self-centred. Who am I to feel so empty, when there are so many people in the world who struggle to provide food or shelter for their children. Who am I to say I feel alone? I should be counting my blessings, and sharing what I have freely with others... even when I'm empty. Shame. Yep, shame. And guilt. Those two sneering masters of torture, who keep us from connecting with our deepest truth.

Well, shame on you. Shame on you, the system that claims to know what's best for us, yet that's taught us to forget our yearning and look outside for salvation. To constantly seek for what more we can give (all in the name of being a good human being) rather than to ask from ourselves what we require right now, in this moment. Shame on you.

I'm here to dissolve all the conditioning that's preyed on our kindness and innocence to keep us prisoner. I'm here to call it out for what it is. I'm here to honour what I knew, deep down, from earliest childhood. And the place to start? Is with me. Is within. I'd like to share here a reflection on the start of my conscious journeying with my soul. It's the place deep within all of us. The place of knowing. Some call it intuition. Mine has a name. And a shape. And a voice. She's a bright white star, and she's called Love. This was the conversation way back in 2009:

“I can’t even look at you today. You disgust me. I’m ashamed of you, you’re so pathetic. You’ve let yourself down again. Why didn’t you see? How could you be so bloody stupid? You idiot. I hate you.”

This is a pretty tame version of the many one-way conversations I had with my reflection after my world collapsed around me. The pain and self-hatred was unbearable as I slowly woke up to the fact that I’d been lied to for so many years by someone I had willingly entrusted with my heart and soul. I felt dirty and ashamed in realising that far from the resilient loving woman I’d believed I was being, I’d actually been the innocent victim of systematic abuse. 

My goodness, the shame. The guilt. The hatred. I couldn’t bear to look at myself. You see, I’d always believed myself to be a strong person. I’d been learning since early childhood how to fight and survive, no matter what. Sassy and business savvy to boot, I was a warrior. An expert in this arena for goodness sakes. So, how could I have been so blind? 

Each day had become a living nightmare as I fought for my son, my home and my sanity. There was nothing left. Everything I’d believed in had either crumbled, dissolved or in some cases, exploded in my face.  

This was back in 2009. With a successful career as a leadership coach behind me and a great reputation to boot, I was meant to know all this stuff and yet… all the development training I’d relied on flew back in my face, mocking me as I sank deeper into despair. In my head, the sneering taunts of circling harpies grew louder as the empty silence echoed deeper inside.  

Emotions stripped to the bone and fingernails ripped to shreds from desperately grasping at the reality that was relentlessly crumbling around me, eventually I had nowhere left to turn. I gave up and sank into the exhaustion.  Finally, I gave up, let go and allowed myself to fall inside… and it changed my life for ever.  

This was the start of my reconnection. This was the beginning of a whole new conversation. Opening my eyes and ears, I paid attention in a different way and started listening to my reflection.  

 

“Hello beloved, I’ve been waiting for you. I’m so sorry it took so much pain for you to finally come inside. I’ve always been with you, guiding you from within, waiting for you to come home to who you are. The world is changing, we have much to share. Now it’s time for us to shine bright together. So, allow me to introduce myself. I’m your intuition. My name is Love. Welcome home”

Those tears earlier? The very best thing I could've done. I will see the darkness. I will go into the shame. I will listen. I will hold. And in doing so, it will transform. By honouring my tears and witnessing my fears, I've once again cleared the way. I am the one I've been searching for. I am the one who's been here all the time. And as god is my witness, I am the one who continues to shine. 

And as I continue to shine, any darkness within me shows itself so that I can hold it, acknowledge it, and wash it away with love. I am a cleaner. And in sharing my darkness, and constantly (stubbornly) shining my own light, I can gently become a beacon for others. We all can.

Yep, let there be peace in our world... and let it start with me.