“I See You” - Shining Through The Dark

I've been talking about abuse here on this blog for more than a decade. Why? Because it happened to me. Now I'm also talking about human trafficking, child abuse and SRA (satanic ritual abuse). Why? Because I'm working with survivors.

For those who have no knowledge of these subjects? Yes, I know...  it’s a very tough conversation. It’s unpleasant. It's unsavoury. It’s dark. Horrifying. And sadly, there are still many who question whether survivors are telling the truth. Why? My feeling is that, because it’s such a gruesome topic, some can't tolerate the knowledge that it’s real. Because oh yes, it’s real indeed. And it goes on right under our noses.

For those who’ve experienced it? I know for a fact that having others who will speak out about it is a godsend. Why? Because these beautiful souls have felt utterly isolated from society. Outcast. Forgotten. Ignored. Alone with their pain while they try to come to terms with the horrors they’ve witnessed first hand. And all the time trying to fit into a world that doesn’t want to hear and cannot understand.

I'm here to affirm to every survivor - I believe you. I'm here. I see you. I hear you. I hold you. I support you. I stand with you. And I salute you.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. From the very depths of my soul, I believe that these beautiful human beings, the ones who've survived unimaginable terrors - more sickening than the worst horror films - these are the people who can help humanity to build a better world. These incredible souls know the darkness. They know the depths and breadth of evil, they've felt for themselves the grip of malevolence that has seeped into every area of our society. 

And yet, despite all of this, they are far from broken. Quite the opposite. In my experience, every time, these incredible human beings blow me away with the light that burns so brightly within them. A light so strong that it kept them alive. A light that, step by step, one by one, can support each and every one of them in finding their voices so they can speak out calmly, honestly, openly and passionately about the evil they've witnessed. To be heard and believed, even by those who previously knew nothing about this topic.

For theirs is the light that can guarantee these atrocities are called out once and for all. Identified. Recognised. Seen for what they are. And through that seeing, they can all be dismantled and dissolved. 

I believe you - and I believe in you

I believe that survivors of any age have the potential to become our future trailblazers. They have the knowledge. They have the first hand experience. They know how darkness works. Which means they can share their knowledge with others. So we can ensure that this evil can never again threaten to forever snuff out the purity and love that sits at the core of humanity.

Part of my job here on our planet is to guide these souls to consciously reconnect with the light within each and every one of them. To be heard and held. To heal. To find their voices. Use their courage as a beacon of light. Connecting with others, so that one by one we can all stand strong together in courage and certainty. We can hold our heads high, look darkness in the eye, say out loud "I see you" and as a result, shine through it.... brighter... and together. 

To illustrate what I'm talking about, here's a post from 29th May on my Facebook Page:

Like most of us here, I am no stranger to the dark world of abuse and control. I talk loudly and regularly about the work I’m now sharing with the world, born largely from my own experiences surviving the darkness to reclaim my light and to shine from within.

What hadn’t occurred to me was how many people have been quietly following my page. Until I posted about how the work of DNA Light Up has been supporting survivors of human trafficking. A few weeks ago I received a message, that very soon prompted a video call. That call has changed my life. For that was when I first met a most beautiful soul I will call “Purity” – because for various reasons we’re keeping her name private.

Purity is a survivor of SRA – Satanic Ritual Abuse. She’s told me some of her story. Any one of the living nightmares she’s endured since infancy, would be enough to destroy most people. And yet, this beautiful soul refused to give in. Her courage is extraordinary. The articulate manner in which she speaks of her experiences is breath-taking. She holds herself with such grace, kindness and love, that I am both humbled and awestruck at the same time.

She and I have formed a beautiful connection. We’re talking together, sharing together, and gradually exploring ways in which her voice can be shared for others to hear. This is a gentle and delicate journey, both of us hand in hand, walking together side by side.

A few days ago, she sent me this beautiful piece that she had written a number of years earlier, and had never shared with anyone. It brought me to tears. And at the same time filled me with joy. I found myself cheering even louder for this beautiful soul who chose to make herself known to me.

Yesterday we spoke again. She told me she would be happy for me to share her writing, and to explain a little about her story. So, it is with great honour and heartfelt gratitude that I’m sharing this piece with you now.

She writes about being a ‘nameless little girl’..... no more my beautiful soul sister, no more. Here’s to you, Purity, and to the continuing strengthening of your message. I’m proud to know you, and am standing right by your side as you continue to grow your light so that others can find their way out of the darkness. I salute you. I thank you. I love you.

Children of the Night

Sometimes I feel like a story that’s never been told; just a mystery concealed by the secrets that nobody knows...

All the screams of silence reverberate through the years – its’ echoes fallen on deaf ears; its’ tears drenched in blood...

The phantom of a nameless little girl, its’ offspring..

We are called the “children of the night” or the “ones who bear the mark”... survivors of extreme, prolonged, sadistic abuse via Satanic Ritual Abuse (SRA) that caused Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

Maybe you know us as the stranger you walk past in the street or drive by... or the familiar face in your shop or church, or perhaps at work. But by all means, we’re not just another face among the thousands around you, trying to live life in a world we know very little of.

We live all over the world... but we’re not like you... or maybe we are. We are the survivors of a very dark world most don’t want to know of; a secret, twisted world that runs its’ horrors underground during the times you spend with your family or friends, having fun at a party or while relaxing at home with your dog and kids, living life...

For decades, since birth, we have outlived the most horrific, unimaginable atrocities you can try to conceive of, made up of the worst nightmares most humans would likely succumb to. We look just like you; with skin on, make up, clean, dressed appropriately and often a smile to win over the world...

But unlike you, we had to learn how to assimilate to the life of “normal” and blend in to a world totally foreign to our train of thought and paradigm... More often than seldom, we fail terribly, but the try again to find a path for our footsteps.

I shouldn’t be alive at all but I am; only because of God’s undeserved Grace and Favour – nothing else! A Light that permeated through my deepest darkness and touched my soul.

There’s been no “normal” in our world... well, not in the sense you classify “normal” as... Who knows, I might just be your neighbour, living my supposedly “perfect, happy” life; talented and one of the hardest and most caring employees and friend you can ever have; the least likely person you’d expect to be a “child of the night”... But you’d never know it’s me, unless I’d let you into my world, or if you are a survivor too.

Though I have skin just like you; it has been burnt, shocked, torn, cut, pulled, beaten and poked countless times. It covers up the bruises, pain, violations, tortures, depravation, death, losses, tears, fractures and many broken bones I hide from you to survive and blend into your world. Above all, it masks my multiplicity that enabled me to survive and be alive today.

Even so, despite it all, I love and care just like you. Would you accept me at your work, church or hospital as your employee or your friend if you knew? No, most of you wouldn’t I discovered sadly. People avoid what they don’t comprehend or fear and often don’t care to understand, or simply don’t have the time to try to. It’s okay.

In the supposedly caring profession I’m in, I was severely punished and bullied in various ways for having a body permanently altered by extreme abuse; brutally awakened by their total lack of sight, inability to hear and rock-hard hearts.

Sadly, society mostly expects perfection in every way in order to be accepted. “Fake it ‘til you make it” the mantra goes... Broken bodies and broken people, are often judged and condemned. We never gave up on you though, but learned to forgive regardless... The message society and the world preaches, is that broken beings serve no purpose or very little, which sadly mutes more and more survivors, the same like me and other abuse survivors. Labels destroy.

As we learned to co-exist within society and its’ ill health in order to breathe and survive, we refuse to identify with the façade and partake of the denial it portrays. But strive to breathe and exude life and light and to be a VOICE to those who were also silenced for trying to live and survive. I am blessed to say that I have in the meantime discovered, that not all of society is blind, deaf and uncaring!

Bottomline of my saga: here’s my hand! I will walk with you or you can walk alongside me; as we follow God’s lead in finding our way home into the marvellous Light...

Thank you Purity... your voice can reach so many now

https://www.facebook.com/181795455277815/posts/2563515087105828/

HUMAN TRAFFICKING – and how DNA Light Up is making a difference (copied from LinkedIn)

A few short years ago, the term ‘trafficking’ was not a word in my vocabulary. I knew little about the horrors of this very real plague in our society. And in total honesty, I had been lured to believe that it was something that happened in other countries, or to other people, so it wasn’t something that was on my agenda. I was wrong. Very wrong.

Human trafficking is a pandemic. It’s worldwide. And it’s local. It’s happening right under our noses, and whilst there are growing reports of trafficking rings being brought to justice, it remains a very real and rising threat – not least of which is because it’s such a distressing subject that is hard to absorb. See link to a United Nations global report for Western and Central Europe at the end of this article.

I first met Emma Crews in 2016. She was introduced to me as someone who could benefit from DNA Light Up. This was to be the first time I heard, first hand, about the living nightmare of modern-day trafficking. Not in some other country. Not miles away. Here, local to me in France, and happening in broad daylight on my doorstep.

Emma has worked tirelessly, since 2013, to support women who have been forced into prostitution through trafficking. This was how I learned about a heroic group of people working for an association called Les Ami-e-s des Femmes de la Libération (Friends to the Women of Freedom) set up in 2015 to help women who are victims of human trafficking and forced prostitution. Poitiers is a relatively small city in South West France, with a population of 90,000 (compared with 9million people in London)

Their front page delivers this message:

In Poitiers, until 2017, there were nearly 70 women working in the streets who were forced into prostitution. Mostly from Nigeria, the women often do not know how to read or write. Prostitution was never their choice: they arrived in Europe and were delivered to pimps who forced them into prostitution, threatening the death of their families back in Nigeria. Violence from clients and pimps is their daily life. Sometimes these vulnerable women have the courage to leave prostitution, when we reach out to help them.

Our sessions together were raw, dark, painful and hard-hitting. She had witnessed so many dark stories of torture and abuse, and faced so many battles in securing help and shelter for the women she was so passionate to support, that she was exhausted. Feeling drained and scarred, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, she even told me that she could never imagine bringing a child into a world that is so cruel and dark.

The sessions made a huge and immediate difference to her, and as a result of her experiences she decided to train to deliver DNA Light Up herself (in both French and English) and asked whether we could work with the women she was supporting. It was the summer of 2016, and we were running the latest Activator Training residential course. This was when we first met Benedicta, who came to us as a volunteer to experience her DNA Light Up experience in the presence of our trainees. Our Director of Training, Sharon Bott, stepped forward to take her through, while the rest of us sat around a table to the side, to observe the experience in person.

We all wept, as this beautiful woman told her story – her face was grey, she looked at the floor, tears rolling down her face as she whispered “Even my conscience tells me I’m nothing but a filthy prostitute”. She told of the deception, the pain, the torture, the stranglehold that the pimps held over her, as well as the threats to her family. She had left her home in Nigeria, and came to Europe with the promise of an education and a bright future. Instead, her fate was to sell her body. Raped. Tortured. Abused. Penniless. Living in fear... she had very nearly given up hope.

She had a young child, and was fearful of not being able to look after him – and yet something inside had kept her alive, somehow she’d found Emma, and Emma had brought her to Light Up.

Even after the very first session, it was clear to see the changes. She had a smile on her face. Her eyes were brighter. She stood taller and moved more freely as she began to regain her power. By the end of the experience (three sessions, a total of five hours), she emerged as a shining warrior. Unrecognisable from the broken soul who first walked through the gates.

We all found ourselves whooping with joy and dancing around the garden with her as she literally transformed in front of our eyes. It was utterly glorious, and a precious moment that to this day remains burned in our memories – thank you Benedicta, your journey was a privilege to witness, and you remain an inspiration to all of us this day.

Move forward to today. Both Emma and Benedicta are transformed. They have both made such seismic changes to their lives, they each recorded a video to share their experiences with DNA Light Up - Benedicta's son makes a cheeky appearance in hers! Both these incredible women continue to inspire others, Emma continues to work tirelessly for the cause, and Benedicta is keen to write a book to share her story with others – we are talking about doing it together.

As for DNA Light Up and our beautiful team of Activators? We continue to remain committed and passionate about making a difference by sharing this work with the world.

Original link here: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/human-trafficking-how-dna-light-up-making-difference-melanie-pledger/

It's Not Me, It's You

Warning: Can of worms about to be opened. Again.

I'm sure most people are familiar with the phrase "it's not you, it's me" often used to end an ill-fated relationship. Many of us have probably either used or heard it ourselves - it's a yes from me, on both counts. It can be seen as a kind way to gently let people down. A gentle way to say goodbye and move on. Yes?

Okay, Mel, makes sense, no cans (or worms) so far? So... let's dig a little deeper. 

Now let's imagine a toxic relationship. I'm not just talking romantic partner here. I'm also talking the relationships we have at work (colleagues and bosses) at school (classmates and teachers) in families, and also in society as we know it. Yep, you see the can looming over the horizon now?

Before further exploration, allow me to explain a little about my background for new readers here. I've coached hundreds of people (over twenty years with business leaders, teams and private individuals, and over more recent years with families and children as well) and have a thorough understanding about toxic relationships in all walks of life. Including my own experiences, both in childhood and also as an adult. 

Perhaps the greatest errors I made with those who abused me? First of all I had no understanding that such cruelty existed, and secondly I willingly listened to what they told me, and did my very best to be a good girl - at all costs. I was innocent. I believed the words people spoke. I knew that 'do as you would be done by' was good advice. I felt it was important to listen to other people, so that I could understand, do my best and love them more. I assumed that since I saw the world through the eyes of openness and curiosity, others would be doing the same. 

I was wrong. 

It was in putting other people first that I blindly walked into systematic abuse. Abuse so underhand and so relentless, that I didn't even realise the levels at which it was happening. Why would I? After all, I wasn't being hit (well, only the once) and I wasn't in any physical danger (or so I thought) and anyway, both my abusers (in childhood it was my guardian, as an adult it was my husband) were the life and soul of the party, right? Everyone admired them, right? I was lucky to have them in my life, right?

Wrong. 

The thing is, whilst I had no comprehension of what was happening to me then, I am now acutely aware of how these people work. I also understand how so much of our early conditioning, however well-intentioned, can actually set us up as targets. Lessons such as:

• Putting others first is an act of kindness - not if we lose connection with ourselves, if we lose our inner voice and forget to care for ourselves 
• People in authority are here to look after us and have our best interests at heart - really? Such sweeping generalisations create blind trust and mean we're less willing to question what we are told
• Grin and bear it, because it's not polite to tell someone their actions are hurtful - nonsense, it's actually both deeply respectful and relationship strengthening to let someone know the effect they're having on others
• Good things happen to good people - rubbish, sometimes the worst things happen to the best people

I could go on. And I probably will. In later posts. For now, the point I'm making is that so many of the lessons I learned, meant that I put my faith in other people, whilst striving to be a good person and do all I could to support those around me. On the surface, all these appear to be good qualities and a healthy way to approach life, right? Yep, that's what I thought as well. Dig a little deeper though, and these popular concepts are far from healthy, without first having an understanding that not all people are well-intentioned. 

Don't get me wrong, I believe that humanity is kind and loving, and that at the core of us we are all innocent and trusting, like children. I also know for a fact that there are certain individuals living and breathing among us, who are the opposite of humanity. Empty souls who have no qualms about harming others for their own gain. 

I'll paint a picture for you. A summary of one of the many interactions with my guardian. I went to him when I was sixteen years old, my sister was just about to turn twelve. The sudden death of our mother had left us orphans - frightened, grief stricken, and vulnerable. Mum was a kind, loving, generous woman who taught us many wonderful lessons in the relatively short time we had with her... including the fact that the world was a loving and safe place. 

So when my guardian regularly took me aside to advise me as 'the older one' then I of course paid attention. 

"Gilly and I" (his innocent wife) "are having problems with your sister. She keeps coming into our bedroom at night, bringing in her duvet to sleep on the floor" (of course, she was frightened and confused) "and it's ruining our sex life. I don't want to have to find alternative living solutions for you, but I'm sure you understand this can't go on. You're the eldest here" (I was sixteen) "so have a word with your sister please, I'm sure you can help her and she'll understand" 

Along with those words came the megawatt smile, which somehow never reached his eyes. 

These interactions (that also included subjects like my sister's behaviour at school, how important it was that we help Gilly around the house, or reminding me of the adjustments we're all having to do in a situation that none of us asked for because we're in it together) were always done in private. Just me and him. At the breakfast table. Or in the car.

Strangely, whenever there was an audience - visiting friends or family members - he would joke and smile and say how proud he was of the way we're all making things work so well. That's of course why I would be told, on so many occasions, how lucky we were to have been taken in. 

My feelings at that time? Confusion. Pain. Loneliness. Grief. And the terrible fear that if I didn't fit in, be a good girl, and help my sister to understand the effects of some of her more rebellious actions (good for her!) then our home and safety was at risk.

It's a clever trick. Pulling me aside to share 'grown up' information (it must mean he trusts me), confiding in me about the struggles that both he and his wife were having (it must mean he trusts me), asking me as the older one to help with my little sister (it must mean he trusts me), and telling me that I had the power to make a difference - oh yes, he certainly trusts me, and absolutely there are things I can do to make the situation better. 

The result? I did everything within my power to keep the peace. I did everything I could to help around the house and look after my guardian's young children. I did my very best to reassure my sister. I listened when she was frightened and angry. I did all I could to soothe her. And I regularly reported back to my uncle with the progress I was making. All in order to keep a roof over our heads. The roof that, to the outside world, had been painted as a perfect home. 

So when, just a couple of weeks after my eighteenth birthday - a lavish party in our home (now I'm sure it was only thrown in order for him to impress all my friends and countless family members) - he told me (again, alone) that his wife was suffering and we had to leave? Well, I felt a total failure. The cold twisting knot of guilt and shame gnawing at my insides.

It was all my fault. I hadn't done enough. I hadn't been helpful enough. I hadn't been good enough. And now both my sister and I were to face the consequences. 

I fundamentally believed that I was to blame. And it shaped me. 

Today, twelve years following the end of a ten year marriage to a sociopath, I know that this couldn't have been further from the truth. Now I understand the insidious trickery that was being played out, with my sister and myself the innocent pawns. Years later in my marriage, my son and myself were the innocents.

It didn't matter how much I bent over and complied for the good of the people I loved, who were also trapped in this dangerous game. No matter what I did, I could never have had an influence on what was happening. And yet all the time I believed it was my fault. There was something wrong with me. I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't being enough. The old "it's not you, it's me" syndrome. 

Well, BOLLOCKS to that. BOLLOCKS to answering 'how high' when told to jump. BOLLOCKS to fitting in and being the good girl. 

It took me a lifetime to learn how to recognise these patterns and to turn things around. These days, the work I'm sharing with the world honours our childlike innocence, love and purity as the most powerful forces of humanity. One of the key messages? Reclaiming our ability to notice toxic behaviours and situations. Reclaiming our voice. Reclaiming our birthright to shine bright and ask questions. To notice the BOLLOCKS - whatever that may be, whether it's our own internal voices or those of people around us - and to call out, loud and clear, "It's not me, it's you"

PS: As for Gilly? Well, she and I finally escaped and made it through. Now, decades later, we both understand the dangerous games that were being played out on all of us. Now we can (and do) support each other. We share our experiences together, we make sense of the crazy, and our relationship has continued to grow. Thank you Gilly, I love you <3 

Celebrating our tribe - copied from my Facebook feed

You know what I’m loving in these crazy times? The fact that we’re all coming together.

The misfits. The sneered at. The ‘never quite good enoughs’. The dreamers. The lovers. The artists. The poets. The music makers. The jesters. The ones who never fitted in. The ones who loved, with open hearts and bright souls. The ones who, through innocence, were burned time and time again. The ones who never gave up. Who knew deep within there was another way. The ones who chose to carry on shining their crazy… their true selves… the ones who move to the beat and the rhythm of their own drum, and who dance regardless..

Because now we’re finding each other. And through finding each other, we’re marvelling in our differences. We’re curious to learn, and honouring the way we each shine our own beautiful uniquely divine lights… we openly share our hurts, our pains, our grief… and what we have to offer… we recognise our knowing. And we salute each other for our ‘oddness’ in this world.

Together we are a band, a choir, a growing throng of ‘crazy’ individuals who, together, are being the brightest form of humanity that is the birthright of everyone on this planet. It’s not creating so much as reclaiming.

We were not born to fit in to a system that squashed the very soul of who we are…. We weren’t born to succumb. None of us were. We were born to stand out. So that others can do the same.

To all my fellow weirdos on this planet right now… I thank you, and I salute you.

We’ve been beaten down. Laughed at. Pushed away. Belittled. Made outcasts. And still we stand. In love. For and with humanity, in its purest and most innocent form.

Now… for the first time… I know I belong, and I know why. It’s thanks to all of you beautiful souls who also knew there was a better way. I’m no longer alone. Thank you

Let’s do this thing! It’s what we were born for

“I am here, I always have been & always will be”—A message from your intuition.

Who am I? Why do so many people search for me? 

And why do so many more believe me to be an elusive, ethereal element that only the few can experience fully? I’m here to reassure you—yes you, beautiful being of love and light—that I’m here and accessible to all. 

Not only am I reachable, but I’m also right here with you right now, right this moment. I’ve been calling to you since the day you were born. Most of you have been taught to misinterpret my language. That is all. 

So allow me now to share some of the many ways I make myself known to you. 

I’m the one who gives you butterflies in your stomach. It is I who causes you to swell with happiness when you see someone you love. I’m the warm feeling you get when you’re listening to your favourite music, watching a wonderful film, or being drawn into the magic of a beautifully written book. 

I’m also the one who turns you cold when something’s not right. It is I giving you that sense of recoiling or shutting down when someone does something you don’t like. I’m the knot in your stomach when you’re afraid that you’re not enough. I’m also the silent scream inside you when you’re on your knees in desperation. 

I am your inner light. Your guidance. Your messenger. I’m referred to as intuition. Or gut instinct. Inner knowing. Wisdom. Core. Soul. Essence. I’m known by many names. I am within you. I am the creative source that is the same for everyone, and yet as unique to each person as a fingerprint. As exquisitely distinctively beautiful as each snowflake. I am here for you. I am with you. I am you. 

Yet most people have come to accept that I can only be accessed in rare glimpses of inspiration, over which they have no control. You’ve come to rely on others to give you the answers that are already within because you believe that my presence and guidance cannot be relied upon. This is why you continue to look outside of yourself. This is why that search is fruitless. That’s why so many of you feel lost, empty, and powerless. Until the time you come home to yourself. 

Every day I invite you to understand the way I communicate with you. Every moment I show you that I’m here. 

Those negative feelings that you’ve been taught to judge as bad or dismiss as unhelpful? That’s me again. Letting you know that there’s a better way. Yet you’ve learned to quieten those feelings. You’ve developed strategies that enable you to put on a brave face, stiff upper lip, to carry on regardless. You rely on mental tactics to help you power through difficult situations. That approach may bring instant relief, but it’s not lasting. Because you’ve quietened my voice. You’ve toughened up your resilience, which simply means you’ve become resistant to what’s going on so that you can numb yourself to the discomfort. Meanwhile, you train yourself to continue experiencing the pain without complaining. Because you’ve been told that’s what freedom is about. Freedom from the discomfort. So you’re able to endure more. 

Does that really seem like freedom to you now? 

Consider the idea that while I continue to call out to you from within, nudging you to realise there’s a better way, you’ll experience my messages as stress or anxiety. And because you’re used to identifying those feelings as something negative, you again push them away, pull out your survival weapons, thinking and acting your way to a less painful way of being. 

This is precisely why so many people experience fear and isolation; by constantly numbing the messages I’m sending, they move increasingly to the outside world and ignore their greatest power.

Once you can understand that the odd feeling inside is not something bad, or something to be fearful of, then the journey home has started. As you also realise the glorious, warm, and joyful experiences you’ve felt at certain times over your life are not just glimpsing moments of happiness, then the excitement of the journey increases. 

I am here. I am your light. I’m your intuition. In-tuition. Inner teacher. I’m inside you. Yet you search for me outside. You seek external validation that you’re okay. That you’re doing things right. That you’re being the best you can be. That you’re enough. But you won’t find me there. This is why you sometimes feel lost and lonely. Because the more you seek the answers outside of yourself, the less you can experience connection. Again, that is me. That’s me talking to you. I’m calling you home while you face foreign lands. My voice echoes through caves of emptiness that you may experience as frustration or aloneness. 

I am your guru. I am your light. I am you. 

Calling you home. I am here, always have been, and always will be. I am here for you and as you, because I am you. Always and all ways. I’m here to guide you back to the magnificence of your being. So that you can connect and know that you are indeed your own saviour. You are your own teacher. You are the light. 

It’s easy to find me when you know where to look. Then it’s simply about understanding the unique language that I share with you. As you connect with me, you shine brightly, so that others can also come home and connect with their light. And as we continue to connect, we can all know that we’re here as one. Together in joy, in freedom, in light, in love. 

I’m here. I always have been and always will be. I’m waiting patiently for you to come home. And while I’m waiting, no matter how long it takes, I’ll continue baking cakes and preparing the most delicious homecoming celebrations in anticipation of the time we can rejoice in your return. 

My doors are always open, inviting you to come inside. 

 Originally published by Elephant Journal, 7th July 2020: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2020/07/i-am-here-i-always-have-been-always-will-a-message-from-your-intuition-melanie-pledger/

Falling into Love - my journey home

This blog. This beautiful platform. It's been a lifesaver for me, on so many occasions, through so many years, over so many lifetimes. Recently it's been calling to me again... the whisper has been growing... and I've been blocking it. Until now.

"Write Mel, write it all out. Hear the call. Pay attention. Claim your voice. Write it all out, so others may one day hear it too..."

I'm a stubborn so-and-so, as everyone who knows me will confirm. And the funny thing is (yep, funny peculiar as well as funny ha-ha) that the one I tend to be most stubborn with...is... myself. 

Growing up in an era of "stiff upper lip" and "carry on regardless" my earlier years were spent fighting. Fighting against a world that couldn't see me, wouldn't hear me, and certainly didn't encourage me to explore my deepest fear that somehow I didn't fit in. I interpreted it as "there's something wrong with me" rather than hearing the truth that was screaming from inside... "there's something wrong with the system"

An hour or so before I started writing this piece, I was curled up under my duvet in floods of tears. Exhausted. Bewildered. Overwhelmed with grief (for myself and the world around me) and fear (for what I've known all my life, and for what I now witness playing out around me) - that I'm alone. That I've always been alone. That nobody is coming to save me or do it for me.

Boom. There it is, right there, the whole point - the deepest fear and the key to salvation. Here, most probably, is the reason I'm feeling what I'm feeling, so very deeply right now. Those same feelings I've held for over half a century... The grief and aloneness in recognising again that this is all part of the conditioning. 

This is part of the system that has been tearing me apart since my earliest childhood. I feel it as clearly today as I did when I was tiny. The way I see it? We've been trained to look outside of ourselves for salvation. We've been persuaded that we're sinners. We've been encouraged to foster an unquestioning belief in authority... be that family members, teachers, bosses, experts, scientists, government or any other 'higher power'... the now ridiculous notion that others know what's best for me. And yet, in my experience, there is nothing and nobody outside of us that can truly understand, hear, or honour our deepest yearning - other than ourselves. 

Mine is to love and be loved. And I've spent most of my fifty-plus years looking for other people to fulfil it. Feeling that 'hole' within me again today has sent me back inside. Falling into the place I have come to know and love over the years. And in falling in, listening, paying attention... I came back out again, clearer, lighter, and brighter.

Shame is a killer. And in the 'carry on regardless' regime that I had followed so willingly, any acknowledgement of feeling alone was a weakness. The knowing that I yearned so deeply for love, for acceptance, for sharing, for connection? Well, that meant that I was being selfish and self-centred. Who am I to feel so empty, when there are so many people in the world who struggle to provide food or shelter for their children. Who am I to say I feel alone? I should be counting my blessings, and sharing what I have freely with others... even when I'm empty. Shame. Yep, shame. And guilt. Those two sneering masters of torture, who keep us from connecting with our deepest truth.

Well, shame on you. Shame on you, the system that claims to know what's best for us, yet that's taught us to forget our yearning and look outside for salvation. To constantly seek for what more we can give (all in the name of being a good human being) rather than to ask from ourselves what we require right now, in this moment. Shame on you.

I'm here to dissolve all the conditioning that's preyed on our kindness and innocence to keep us prisoner. I'm here to call it out for what it is. I'm here to honour what I knew, deep down, from earliest childhood. And the place to start? Is with me. Is within. I'd like to share here a reflection on the start of my conscious journeying with my soul. It's the place deep within all of us. The place of knowing. Some call it intuition. Mine has a name. And a shape. And a voice. She's a bright white star, and she's called Love. This was the conversation way back in 2009:

“I can’t even look at you today. You disgust me. I’m ashamed of you, you’re so pathetic. You’ve let yourself down again. Why didn’t you see? How could you be so bloody stupid? You idiot. I hate you.”

This is a pretty tame version of the many one-way conversations I had with my reflection after my world collapsed around me. The pain and self-hatred was unbearable as I slowly woke up to the fact that I’d been lied to for so many years by someone I had willingly entrusted with my heart and soul. I felt dirty and ashamed in realising that far from the resilient loving woman I’d believed I was being, I’d actually been the innocent victim of systematic abuse. 

My goodness, the shame. The guilt. The hatred. I couldn’t bear to look at myself. You see, I’d always believed myself to be a strong person. I’d been learning since early childhood how to fight and survive, no matter what. Sassy and business savvy to boot, I was a warrior. An expert in this arena for goodness sakes. So, how could I have been so blind? 

Each day had become a living nightmare as I fought for my son, my home and my sanity. There was nothing left. Everything I’d believed in had either crumbled, dissolved or in some cases, exploded in my face.  

This was back in 2009. With a successful career as a leadership coach behind me and a great reputation to boot, I was meant to know all this stuff and yet… all the development training I’d relied on flew back in my face, mocking me as I sank deeper into despair. In my head, the sneering taunts of circling harpies grew louder as the empty silence echoed deeper inside.  

Emotions stripped to the bone and fingernails ripped to shreds from desperately grasping at the reality that was relentlessly crumbling around me, eventually I had nowhere left to turn. I gave up and sank into the exhaustion.  Finally, I gave up, let go and allowed myself to fall inside… and it changed my life for ever.  

This was the start of my reconnection. This was the beginning of a whole new conversation. Opening my eyes and ears, I paid attention in a different way and started listening to my reflection.  

 

“Hello beloved, I’ve been waiting for you. I’m so sorry it took so much pain for you to finally come inside. I’ve always been with you, guiding you from within, waiting for you to come home to who you are. The world is changing, we have much to share. Now it’s time for us to shine bright together. So, allow me to introduce myself. I’m your intuition. My name is Love. Welcome home”

Those tears earlier? The very best thing I could've done. I will see the darkness. I will go into the shame. I will listen. I will hold. And in doing so, it will transform. By honouring my tears and witnessing my fears, I've once again cleared the way. I am the one I've been searching for. I am the one who's been here all the time. And as god is my witness, I am the one who continues to shine. 

And as I continue to shine, any darkness within me shows itself so that I can hold it, acknowledge it, and wash it away with love. I am a cleaner. And in sharing my darkness, and constantly (stubbornly) shining my own light, I can gently become a beacon for others. We all can.

Yep, let there be peace in our world... and let it start with me.

The Power Of Love

This just came up yesterday as a memory on my Facebook feed… and it made me cry.

Ten years can feel like many lifetimes.

I look so young in that picture, and so weary from the relentless battles. I was still right in the middle of it…. Fighting to keep a home for me and my son, fighting to come to terms with multiple levels of duplicity and chaos, fighting with debt and seemingly insurmountable financial pressures… and oh so much more.

I’d already overcome countless battles. And still had so many ahead - many of which I had absolutely no idea about at the time.

I remember using laughter and loudness as my go-to shields, they worked very well for me. I remember rising like a mumma-bear to stand up for anyone who was being hurt. I remember calling on the spirit of William Wallace to lead me forward as each new challenge arose.

This blog was the main thing that had kept me going. I found that writing out 'the crazy' had helped to give me a voice… helped me to see in black and white what was happening around me. It helped me to find the strength to carry on, even though god knows there were times it was hard to even know where the next breath was coming from.

I’d also discovered Light Up, although at that time I had no conscious understanding of what had happened, and certainly no idea of where it would all lead me…

I remember those times as an incredibly uncomfortable yet intensive training school. I remember building in strength, determination and fire. I remember learning how to say 'no' to authorities who didn't have my best interests at heart. I learned to spot the lies, and stand strong for truth. I learned to fight like an alley cat, how to twist and turn on a sixpence, and how to live on fresh air...

If someone had asked me yesterday about those times, I would’ve said I was a warrior.

Today I’ve seen something else. And it isn't 'warrior'...

Today I see a young woman, tired and bewildered from fighting against the odds for her son and her sanity. I see innocence. I see fear. And I see the crushing weight of shame. I see gentleness. Shyness and sensitivity. And awkwardness. I also see that smile, the one that always appeared so effortlessly through the fears. Yes, I was afraid. And lost. And oh so very alone.

That’s why I have tears today. Tears of love and recognition for the innocence of my younger self. Today I’m reaching to that young woman and I holding her so close and tight. I’m letting her know how amazing she was/is, what she’s achieved, how far she’s come. I’m reassuring her that the darkness passes. Reminding her that the light will always lead us home.

And that’s why my heart, right now, bursts with love and joy. Because I can see it in that photograph. Even though I didn’t know it at the time, it wasn’t the ‘fighting’ that was keeping me going, it was something else much more profound… because this photograph confirms what I know for certain now. Somewhere deep inside I knew. Somehow Love knew, and I was learning how to trust her.