A relatively short while ago I may have been tempted to label these moments of growth a "bad" thing, because when they happen I find myself thrown off-balance and full of unanswerable questions. Well, OK, perhaps I wouldn't actually have described them as a "bad" thing, more perhaps as another "challenge" - by which I would mean something that's at the least annoying, in most cases scary, and in some situations terrifyingly threatening. Whatever the case, these moments of change certainly were not occasions I would look forward to - quite the opposite in fact!
But now things are different. Now I have learned to welcome their arrival. I've learned to gently move through the feelings that come with them, to accept the lessons they bring and to wait for the expanded understanding and deeper peace that always waits the other side for me. In fact I'm now so comfortable with them that I've even given them a nickname. These moments are now called "Blips", and they're helping me to expand in to the richness that is life. And boy is it happening quickly!
Blips of some sort or another are now happening regularly, at least every few days and sometimes more frequently. Sometimes they last a few moments, other times a good few hours. As I stand back from them I can imagine them as a rhythmic pulsing pattern - a throbbing heart-beat invitation from the life-force of the universe itself, pounding through me and urging me to live life to the full. Each one brings a new revelation - either a clearing of something from my past, or the forging of a new pathway that I hadn't known before. Each new revelation results in greater awareness, fuller acceptance, and deeper peace.
So what, exactly, am I talking about? I'll give you a couple of examples, perhaps it will help to explain.
The first one happened on Saturday, and lasted for quite a while. I'd just arrived in the UK, with much excitement and anticipation, as it was to be my first stay with Simon. Fairly soon though, the excitement turned in to something else much less inviting. We were sitting in his front room and I felt a wave of panic rising up through my body. My heart rate was faster, and my smile had disappeared. I knew it was a Blip happening, and on Simon's request I did my best to explain what was going on for me. Rather than being dismissive (as I had experienced from Cam and others so many times in my past) he seemed totally understanding of my peculiar description of "a bunch of atoms and wormy-things whirling about and escaping from the top of a tube!" We left the house and went for a wander in to the town, while I continued wrestling with the curious sensation that the top of my head had been taken off, and magic popping dust particles sent whirring around my entire body.
These are not "pleasant" sensations - they're off-putting to say the least! But as I said earlier, I've learned to accept them and look forward to the extended good feelings that always follow. A few hours later all had subsided. The wormy-things had all returned quietly to their tube, the popping dust had gone and my head was back in one piece. My heart felt bigger, my smile was coming from within, my eyes were sparkling, I felt at peace and full of joy. I'd reached an even greater level of acceptance and growth - and I felt amazing! The message? It's safe for me to accept all the good and all the good that's being offered to me - the clearing of an old childhood pattern that made me afraid to accept the good stuff, for fear it would be taken away.
Another occasion happened just last night. Very quick, very unexpected, and very profound. You may remember that I've been particularly upset at times by people not understanding where I have been in my journey? People who, as far as I was concerned, were showing indifference rather than understanding to my plight? Well, how's this for a Blip that puts all these concerns away for ever? It suddenly dawned on me that, rather than being unconcerned about my situation, there were some people who (consciously or otherwise) through their actions had been showing me "another way" rather than allowing me to totally become absorbed in to a false reality of negativity. Let me explain.
There have been times when all I've wanted has been a cuddle or a shoulder to cry on - but on some of those occasions, people I expected would have offered those, have instead chosen to ignore my words, and in some cases go on to complain about the terrible problems they have been facing! In the past, I have sometimes chosen to take these rebuttals as a personal hurt - a swipe against me in my time of need. Last night's Blip showed me they were in fact quite the opposite. Let's see if I can explain what I think I've learned.
While we're trapped in the thought-patterns of worry and negativity, experiencing life as difficult and scary, we expect people to provide the succour we believe we need at that time. Yet by providing such support, the other person is, inadvertently, buying-in to the illusion that we are somehow suffering - and, therefore, compounding the energetic vibration behind the situation. Am I making sense so far?
On the other hand, the person who offers no such support but instead chooses to talk about unrelated things, or even decides to ask something of us instead of offering support, is refusing to buy-in to that way of thinking. They're refusing to perceive us as down or beaten, and instead are seeing us still as the strong person who's usually there to laugh with or to help them in some way. Now then, it may be excruciatingly frustrating at the time when these things happen (I know, I've been there!) but as my Blip allowed me to realise (to see with real-eyes) last night, in fact these people are showing the way forward - if we could just understand it at the time. They're offering the opportunity to help us re-calibrate our thought forms, our 'self-talk' if you like, and inviting us to heal from the situation in which we find ourselves.
It doesn't mean, of course, that we don't still seek the normal levels of support that pull us through these times. It simply means that those annoying ones who don't seem to 'get it' are perhaps the ones who still see us as healthy, happy and whole no matter what our situation appears to be. So, for me, rather than berate those who I thought were deserting me, I can now love them and thank them for refusing to treat me as beaten. For forcing me instead to do something different.
I don't know whether I'm right or wrong with these revelations that are coming to me - and in truth, I don't really care. Because these Blips are providing me what I DO care about. And that is peace, joy and freedom from the chains that bound me for so long.
Blip Blip.... Blip Blip.... Blip Blip.... The heartbeat of the universe continues to pulse it's wisdom and love through my body, breathing life in to my finally freed soul, while I soak up the wonders of this glorious life that's longing to share it's bounty with each and every one of us. I choose life - and life, in turn, is choosing me.
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