Diving For Pearls

A grain of sand. That's all it takes. It all seems so small in the grand scheme of things. But what power it can create. What authority. What influence. Just one tiny grain of sand.

It's an irritant you see. It gets in to the shell of a live oyster and is trapped inside its mantle folds. In response to this foreign body, the mollusk produces nacre, the substance that creates the mother of pearl that lines the inside of the shell. By continual secretion of the substance, the grain of sand is no longer an irritant to the oyster, and the shellfish can continue to live a normal life.

Unless of course one day it is found by a fisherman in search of treasure. Or perhaps pulled to the surface by one of the famous Ama women of Japan, who dive almost naked, and with virtually no equipment. For these people, the oyster's natural defense to discomfort in turn creates riches that can help feed and clothe them, provide for their families. These pearls are then sold and go on to provide a different meaning to the people able to afford them.

Eastern cultures believe that pearls symbolise purity and spiritual transformation. White pearls are for purity, innocence, faith and honesty. Gold or black pearls symbolise prosperity and riches. Rose or pink pearls are said to work well with the heart Chakra. Throughout history, pearls have traditionally been the most popular accessories with bridal wear, and still continue to be a strong favourite today. The innocence and beauty symbolised by the pearl is echoed, and therefore perfectly matched, by the bride.

Now, that's all well and good. But what of the oyster? What of its personal sacrifice in order to create such a revered treasure that holds such significance, such beauty and meaning on so many levels for so many people?

At the beginning, when the grain of sand first enters its shell, the oyster suffers discomfort, perhaps even pain. Granted, we can't measure the intensity of the oyster's distress with any level of accuracy, but I would reckon that to an oyster, it must be a pretty nasty experience. Why else would it work so hard to cover it up, to stop the irritation?

And it reminds me of the way we human beings work hard to cover up our emotional pain in order to live a normal life. We'll create layer after layer of emotional pearl to surround the shame or discomfort until it becomes something we can live with. Perhaps until it actually becomes something that we are so used to, we don't even remember that it is there. Those layers, in some cases, might be love. Forgiveness. Understanding. Perhaps in other cases simply denial. Ignorance. Perhaps stubborn refusal. Others still may choose lies. Criminal behaviour. Even addictions and possibly death. Whatever the label, we find numerous ways to numb our pain.

For me, over the past year, I have felt stripped naked and, like those Ama divers, out of my depth and under water without breathing apparatus. And yes, there have been many times I've felt close to succumbing to the depths. Tempted to lose consciousness in the water. Perhaps to float away to a place of peace. And yet I haven't. Instead I've faced the ferocity of pain that over the years I'd glossed over with pearl. I've ridden the waves of emotions I had previously believed would kill me. And I truly believe that in the process I have died. Not in the real sense of the word, of course, but in the sense that I am no longer the person I was. Yes I'm still in the same body, but spiritually and emotionally I believe I am unrecognisable.

And now I can look at the hurts and pains of the past - betrayal, abandonment, derision and humiliation - and realise that they have indeed now been turned in to pearls. My survival of these experiences has made me a stronger and wiser person. More complete and consciously certain than I have ever felt before. Yes, like the oyster, I don't believe I asked for any of this to happen and, like the oyster, my old life has been sacrificed in the process. But now I am left with a fulness and wonderment for life that I never knew existed. I had never accepted myself as being worthy of such abundance. And yes, it took my 'death' to feel this fully - but you know what? Now I can see with clarity that... yes... you guessed it... those pearls and riches were already there. I didn't need to 'die' to find them because they were within me all the time - I just never realised it.

So back to the oyster, who literally loses its life when the pearl is released. After years focusing energy on covering its discomfort to make life better, it is killed for the very irritant that caused it pain in the first place. Is there a rebirth of any sort for the oyster? Well, I don't know that. What I do know is that their pearls, once out in the open, last for hundreds of years - and can touch the lives of thousands of people. So yes, perhaps in that way the oyster is reborn, and acnowledged for its suffering.

It is said it's not what happens to us that makes the difference, it's how we respond to what happens that makes the difference. Perhaps that's why we speak of digging deep within ourselves, and marvel about revealing precious pearls of wisdom?

Back In The Saddle Again

And BOY does it feel good! I'd fogotten just how much I've missed the feel of the authentic Top Banana spirit. How much of a buzz I get from knowing I can make a difference. How clear it is to me where small shifts and tweaks can be made, and how wonderful it is to be given the chance to inspire and encourage.

In my mind Top Banana had become so tainted, as I've said before, that I'd wanted nothing to do with it. I rejected the name and the business - together with my career - just because I was hurting. Yes the hurt was deep and justified, but by shutting out the business I was also cutting off part of myself. For in the process I was throwing the baby out with the bath water. I had overlooked where this had all come from. Cut myself off from the roots of the business, and disregarded my own set of personal skills and also my driving passion. In a nutshell I'd forgotten about the magic that created the business in the first place - the inspiration that drove me to create the name, the logo, the feeling, the personality of the company. In the good old days we used to refer to our successes as "Banana-magic" and now it feels to me as though those good old days are now back - and how. For this time it's better. This time I have more than a decade of Top Banana experience under my belt. And this time I'm driving it by myself and for myself - with integrity, authenticity and confidence.

This week I've been pulling together my first project as The Top Banana Bunch - and it feels amazing! I'm certain about the growing team of people I'm gathering around me. I'm confident in my own abilities to deliver more than is expected. And I'm excited by the buzz that's being created as a result. The business cards are causing a stir, and the website is shaping up well. For now it's still work in progress and not public knowledge, but I'll be ready to launch it properly very soon. Since you're a selected audience, can take a sneak peak now if you like www.thetopbananagroup.com

We are going to be huge - I just know it. I can literally sense the energy that's already being created just from a few meetings and introductions. And as if I needed further confirmation, one of my very dear friends rang me this week, chuckling away as he shared some interesting news. He'd just been reading the business plan and budgets that had been written by his boss. Written under the heading of "Training" were the following words: "Find the budget to get Top Banana working with us".....!! Now, I have never worked with this particular company, but as my friend gently reminded me "You have a fantastic reputation - is it any wonder that everyone wants to be Top Banana'd...?"

So yes. I'm back. It's good. And you know what? It's going to be even better than ever before.

Do I Look Good Naked?

What a question..! And one, quite frankly, that I've avoided for most of my life (along with full-length mirrors) since I seem to have suffered from low self-esteem when it comes to my own personal body image.

One of my earliest negative memories about my size is of sitting at our kitchen table in floods of tears. Tears induced by a screaming tantrum and my stubborn refusal to eat yet another breakfast of egg and grapefruit, together with my mother's clear bewilderment at my behaviour. Why couldn't she understand, and why was she punishing me? It was the second week of a 14-day regime to lose weight, during which time I was allowed only egg, grapefruit and tinned tomatoes. My sister was still a baby at this time, so I can only have been four or five years old. My mother, a top model in her youth, had clearly suffered from body issues of her own (which, in those days, were not even talked about let alone acknowledged) and was determined that I wouldn't grow up under the same black cloud. Unfortunately, her good intentions seem to have backfired. Rather than gaining confidence in the way I looked, I felt that surely there must be something wrong with me - and anyway, wasn't it just a short time earlier that I'd been forced to eat two large spoonfuls of malt every day to build me up? I felt confused, hurt and ashamed - emotions that have stayed with me for a large part of my life.

So I was suitably inspired this week by Gok Wan's TV show, when he helped a blind lady to overcome her negative body image. I found the programme particularly interesting because this lovely lady had lost her sight in her 20s, so hadn't been able to see her face or her body for over 30 years. But when asked to describe how she looked, she burst in to tears, and used words like "fat" "flabby" and "wobbly" to describe herself. Despite looking lovely, she was convinced that she was unattractive - even ugly.  Gok's job, this week, was to fix purely what was in her head - the image she held locked away in her own mind's eye. Because her lack of sight meant she'd never be able to appreciate her external appearance as seen by others.

"Simple!" some might say. "A piece of cake!" others might think. Me? Well I think it's probably one of the hardest projects Mr Wan has chosen to tackle. Why? Because this week it was purely about changing his client's beliefs, her internal perception of herself - but this time without the aid of external input. No clever use of colours or patterns, no make-overs or highlights, no long mirrors or lengthening vertical drapery. Nope, this time it was a totally different brief. And one that, so far as I'm concerned, is the ONLY real project that the rest of us ever have to tackle. That of internal self-perception, whatever that may be. And if we don't like something about our lives, the answers always lie within ourselves.

Over the past year I've personally been stripped emotionally bare, and left absolutely naked and vulnerable as the day I was born. Shell-shocked and thrust suddenly in to a world that was totally unknown. I've lost everything I once thought was real. All I thought I could depend on has crumbled and fallen away. I've faced one shock after another, and believe me there have been times when I thought I couldn't go on.

And yet through it all, while I've been fighting to survive the quicksand of constant change, I've been given the opportunity to see myself as I truly am. And through that opportunity, the priceless gift to find myself beyond the facade. Because, like anyone else on the planet, once all our clothing is stripped away, there is nowhere left to hide.

So I've been finding out about myself. Realising things that I never knew before. Discovering likes and dislikes. Strengths and weaknesses. Values and principals. And beliefs. Some things have come as a total surprise (like the fact I actually enjoy making jams and chutneys...!) and others are a rebirth of interests I'd lost a long time ago (like playing the piano and singing along loudly - it may not sound very good, but it makes me FEEL good!). And as I've been exploring and making friends with myself, with who I really am, my confidence has been soaring - as my Facebook friends will confirm!

Since the mental and emotional nakedness has been achieving great results, I decided to take a fresh look at my physical self. For as long as I can remember, and in common with so many women, I've been unhappy with the way I look. And in recent years, I've chosen to hide my body in shapeless tops, trousers and trainers. It's kept me out of danger. Allowed me to exist in the shadows away from criticism, avoiding disapproval.

Well, not any more. It's been a slow and deliberate process, but slowly I've been building up my courage and now I'm experimenting with a different look - and it seems to be working! Heels are now my footwear of choice (yes, OK, not too high since I'm lacking a cruciate ligament!) along with a foray in to skirts, dresses and flowing layers. Statement jewellery is also now part of my regular wardrobe, and I've suddenly fallen in love with belts. To start with, it's nerve-wracking, as people seem taken aback by my changed appearance and ask if I'm going anywhere special - and I realise with embarrassment just how scruffy I must have been for so very long! "Ooooh, that looks nice. Is it new?" my friends are asking. No, not new, just refurbished. Taken out from the back of my wardrobe, dusted down and worn properly, not pushed away because I felt too shy to wear it.

A bit like me really. I've been carefully retrieved from the rubble of my shattered life. Tenderly dusted down, gently repaired, lovingly polished. And now, I'm gratefully shining - and radiating a new joie de vivre that had previously escaped me. For now, finally, I can accept all of me - yes, including the niggling, annoying even downright foul parts of me. Yes, I am re-born. Yes, it's been bloody hard work. And yes, I've felt naked and vulnerable as a new born baby. But now, like a baby I'm smiling and curious about my surroundings. And as any parent knows, babies love everything about themselves, yes even the contents of their own nappy!

My change over recent months has been internal - not external. A change of perspective and approach more than a change of anything on the outside. Like Gok's brave blind lady, I finally see myself as someone worthwhile, someone who can be beautiful on the inside and the outside.

So now, after all of this, and as I stride ahead with confidence, in response to the question Do I Look Good Naked? My answer at last is "Yes I jolly well do!"

Debt, Divorce and Discovery

This afternoon Julie and I have been going through all the unopened letters that I've been keeping in a pile for the past few months. I knew what they were you see. They were all re-directed from Scotland, and related to the debts that are all in my name. Until I found my solicitor, you'll remember, I'd been told that the only way to deal with them was to sell my house here in France. So, while I was exploring options - and seeking work - I decided the best route was to leave them unopened. There was nothing I could do to take any action. I knew what they were. So they would have to wait until I had a clear way forward.

Well, now I do. So today was the day that Julie very kindly came round and opened and sorted the letters to make it a more manageable task for me to deal with. I'd meant to get this job done since my return home last weekend. I'd already seen my solicitor and we'd agreed a way forward. But somehow I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not known for procrastination - quite the opposite in fact - but this week I've been finding no-end of 'important and pressing' jobs that took precedence over facing that pile of letters.

Daft, really. I know what's in them. After all, I completed this whole process at the beginning of October when I first became aware of two huge debts that were in my name - a major shock as you can imagine! At that time I sat down and worked out all of my commitments and started looking for help from debt advisors. You'll know from my previous posts that I have spent hours and hours talking with different people from different organisations in my quest to get to the bottom of the issue and to find a solution.  And that each time I have been given different - sometimes conflicting - advice from professionals and advisory bodies. It's been infuriating to say the least!

Well, now that I have a solicitor who's prepared to fight with gloves off, I feel I'm finally moving forward. And, funnily enough, on a route that is totally unrecognisable from the "only option" I was told was open to me just before Christmas. Persistence pays. Now the debts are "under matrimonial jurisdiction" and, as such, will be contested and need to be included in the negotiations for the divorce settlement. No matter that they are in my sole name - the fact remains that I was unaware of their existence. The fact remains that my husband acted without my consent. The fact remains that I have been duped - because I was blinded by love and trust for the person I believed was my soulmate. No more. My emotions are now in check, and I see clearly the nature of the beast I am dealing with.

And the discoveries of this afternoon have made me even more grateful for my escape. And even more convinced of my innocence in the many financial hardships we faced over our marriage. For within the letters that have been forward were a few - just a handful - that were intended for him, so should never have reached me. Of course I didn't know the difference until I opened them (for those who have ever used Royal Mail's post forwarding service, you'll know that the original address window is completely obscured by the oversized redirect label). Having opened the letters, of course I read them. OK, I accept, I should not have been privy to the contents, and technically I should really have re-sealed the envelopes the second I realised the letters were not intended for me - but hey, nobody's perfect, right?

The pile consisted purely of demands for payment - and this is only a snap-shot for I'm sure the majority of his intended letters stay in Scotland. Debt collectors, solicitors, arrears departments all seem very keen to meet up and secure a relationship with my husband, threatening entry to the apartment by fair means or foul. But he appears to be ignoring them all - strange, because not so long ago didn't I find him advertising for "new and exciting back-door encounters"....? Perhaps he's had his fill.

Among the debt collectors are a demand for £120 outstanding with a video rental company - how on earth can anyone run up such a bill? There is a solicitor's letter chasing £780 from a mobile phone supplier. An energy supplier threatening to cut off the services unless £87 is paid immediately. And the telephone company suggesting very politely that perhaps non-payment of their bill for £73 has been an oversight on his behalf.

Now, OK, most of us are sometimes a little bit late paying a couple of bills. But this, surely, takes the biscuit? As I've said before, I have earned nothing over the past year - and also suffered a serious knee injury which meant I couldn't move for a few weeks - and yet, and yet.... every single one of my current financial obligations have been met. I have a fantastic reputation with the bank, and also with the mortgage company who were going to repossess while he was in charge of the finances! He, on the other hand, has had no such debts to deal with. He has had work with at least two of our clients from Top Banana. He has also been in full time employment in a senior role since the beginning of September.

So what's it all about?

For me, it's about breathing an enormous sigh of relief that I discovered the truth. It's about realising that I was not to blame for our financial issues (although I hold my hand up to simply believing whatever he told me, without insisting on the evidence). It's about a new-found confidence in what I'm doing - and a renewed determination to fight against these financial institutions who think it's OK to threaten the "little people" - like me - without care or concern about the effects it has on families who are struggling to cope.

Those who know me well can vouch for the fact that I will fight against any injustice. Well, after this afternoon, I've discovered that I have more fire in my belly than I had previously thought. And now I'm prepared to battle against the banks, credit card companies and other financial houses - for finally I believe in my own monetary skills.

Watch this space and mark my words - this is war.

It's All Coming Together

Life's rich tapestry - one of those sayings that, sadly, has lost its meaning and power, and yet is so true! Over the past couple of weeks, I have felt that my life is indeed turning in to a rich tapestry. One with a design so intricate, a quality so unique, a beauty so breathtaking that no mere mortal mind could have designed it.

Things are balancing out. Working themselves through. Making sense. And in the process creating a stunning work of art. ALL BY THEMSELVES.

I've already written about the surprise contact this week from my old friend and colleague, and also my dear friend's success in securing a job? Well, there have been even more coincidences - pushes and nudges - that have convinced me that the master plan (life?) is indeed a joyous experience. And a journey to be trusted and enjoyed along the way. Yes, even despite the agonies that I've sometimes had to endure. Yes, even despite the set-backs, the unfairness, the frustrations of numerous situations through my life. 

These days I find myself smiling - and laughing - when faced by challenges or mishaps. Because my automatic response these days is that, as my mum always used to say "this too shall pass away" - I can cope through the storm, I can find the help or support I need, and once the storm has passed, in it's place there is ALWAYS something worthwhile. Something that without exception enriches my life or that of those about me. Like the smile that creeps over your face at the end of a good film or book, where the plot suddenly becomes clear and you can make sense of the story. The dawning realisation, the knowing smirk, the tilt of the head, the stroking of the chin "Ah, so THAT'S what it was all about then eh?"

Well - that's where I am at the moment.

Yesterday my boiler stopped working. It was just after the delivery of more oil - that I had to pay for with the final balance left on my French credit card. Yes, things are that tight. Boiler reparation is not in my list of skills, so I called friends for help. The first person I asked was equally lacking in that department, but I struck gold with the second contact. Robert, my neighbour just across from me, it turns out, is really quite experienced in the ways of boilers. And he was more than happy to help. He and his wife came to the village many years before I did, and when I first arrived we used to spend many evenings together. Time passed, and we saw less of each other - but always stopped and chatted when we saw each other. Since I've been on my own, they have rallied round and I'm reminded of how much I enjoy their company.

In the middle of Robert's explorations, we feared we may need to call in a professional plumber. Of course, that would be an expense I cannot cover at the moment. So instead, I called my friend Kevin, who now lives in Dubai, but who used to be a plumber here in France. He also happens to know my boiler very well! It was a fascinating experience. Robert kneeling by the boiler, with Kevin talking on loudspeaker telephone giving him step by step instructions on what he needed to do. A smaller problem, of course, but I couldn't help thinking of the film Apollo 13 where Tom Hanks was stranded in space and had to fix the engine with expert guidance from the team in Huston.

By that point it was nearing the time I had to collect Dylan, and so Sylvie, Robert's wife, kindly offered to go and get him for me. She also offered me a shower as I had no hot water. In the morning, you see, before the oil was delivered, I had put a treatment on my hair, fully expecting to wash it off in my shower to reveal a head of shiny healthy locks. Instead of which I'd resorted to pulling a woolly hat over my head, and keeping the hood of my cardigan up. And I had friends due round for dinner in just over an hour and a half...!

Gratefully I accepted her offer, pulled on my boots and warm coat, and traipsed over to their house, with towel, soap and shampoo tucked under my arm.

The shower was absolutely wonderful, and I enjoyed every second of it! Afterwards, I opened the door to reach for my towel... and that was when I noticed it. Somehow I hadn't quite shut the shower door properly, and there was water all over their floor! I know that my neighbours are very particular about keeping clean and tidy, so I was horrified to see that the water had not only soaked the beautiful woven cream wool mat that was outside the shower, but that it was also now heading towards the just as beautiful blue rug that was by the sink. This one I was even more worried about, as I'm sure it's one that Sylvie has made herself.

Because of my knee injury, I tend to be more cautious with my movements these days - particularly when the ground looks treacherous. Sylvie, incidentally, had a hip replacement operation last year, and I was also terrified that she might come in and slip on a wet floor. Running my own internal Laurel and Hardy disaster movie at this stage, I carefully stepped out of the shower and over to the blue rug. I managed to get it off the floor and over the hanging rails, just in the nick of time, as the water flowed to where it had just been. A small victory, but one that boosted my confidence and changed Laurel and Hardy's mishaps to a scene of jolity and laughter. I was winning!

Unable to find a mop, I threw on my clothes and walked quickly back over to my house. Robert was still working away in my house, but now there was a reassuring thrumming sound coming from the boiler room and Robert was standing there, hands on hips and a huge grin of satisfaction across his face. "It's working! We did it!"

I didn't want to worry him about my mishap over the road, so I congratulated him warmly and said I just needed to find my mop to clean his bathroom floor. His smile slipped slightly and his eyes widened a lot (he had probably started his own internal screening of the flooding cabins in the Titanic) but I reassured him that I had everything under control. It was just that I couldn't find a mop at his house - that was all!

Mop in hand and scuffling back over the road, I quickly got on with the job in hand. It didn't take much, really - the bathroom is on the ground floor (luckily!) and the floor is pretty robust. So by the time Robert appeared at the back door there was nothing to show of my little upset. We hung the big cream rug in the barn to dry, and I asked Robert to tell me all about his success.

A few minutes after arriving back home, Dylan walked through the door and offered to help clear up before our friends arrived. I did the final preparations, went upstairs to style my hair and get ready, and my friends arrived just as I came back in to the kitchen. Perfect timing!

We had a wonderful evening together, and once again I was able to reflect back on the day and appreciate the warmth and depth of my friendships. I am, indeed, richer than even Rockerfella himself - for friendship and love is something that stays with you no matter what happens.

I may not have material wealth - for now - but over the past few months I've realised that I am wealthier than all my wildest dreams. For I have friends. And I have survived. 

You may remember that a couple of years ago I made a commitment to "call back my spirit"... well, I've achieved it. It hasn't been easy, and I wouldn't wish my recent experiences on anybody. There have been times when I've felt I can't go on. Times when I thought I couldn't survive the pain. And yet now through it all I can honestly look back and see how every part of my journey has helped me to find myself. And I can finally look at myself and feel safe and secure. And now, as things are gently coming together, I feel that I can finally be me. 

I've found ME - not Mel the coach, the wife, the supporter, the provider, the businesswoman - no, ME, MYSELF, I - so aptly put by Joan Armatrading. I think I've already achieved a lot in my life. So now, as I move forward, I absolutely KNOW I can achieve so much more - and this time, it will be for me. Not to prove myself, or please anyone, or to win acceptance. No, now this is for me and what's important to me. For now I know that I can thrive. 

And, mark my words - I fully intend to live my life to the max. Watch out world!

Top Banana Is Dead... Long Live Top Banana!

Yup - I've reached a decision. It's been a long time coming, but the signs and guidance are now so strong that I'm compelled to take action.

You see, for a long time (even before last year) I had felt resentful of the training company Cam and I used to run together, where once upon a time it had meant everything to me. It had begun to symbolise everything that was 'wrong' in my life. I had become so tired from all the commuting that I couldn't 'enjoy' my downtime. Empty from giving so much of myself to the work that I began to lose myself. And stifled by the constant financial pressures we seemed to have even though we had a bunch of top quality clients and plenty of work. I simply couldn't make sense of it, and every time I tried to talk with Cam about it he'd get angry. He'd tell me that we have to keep focused "keep in the zone" and that the only thing that was important was the business.

And I began to believe it was the business that was keeping me from enjoying my life. The business that kept me away from Dylan and my home. The business that meant Cam and I were so tired from working that romance and tenderness was reduced to a few snatched moments. And so I began to resent it - hate it even. I wanted to distance myself from everything it represented.

Now, of course, I realise that it was not the business that was eating in to my life. It was my relationship with Cam. It was the fact that I was so blinded by love, I couldn't see that I was living with a cold calculating controller who spent money like water and didn't care about me in the slightest. THAT was why I felt tired and drained. And THAT was why we had so many financial battles.

I actually used to believe that the financial issues must be my fault - that I was clearly crap with money. Now I know that's as far from the truth as it's possible to be! I haven't earned a penny throughout 2009. I have survived by selling things from the house, by being frugal, and also through the generosity and support of those around me. And within that year I have managed to save the house that was going to be repossessed. I've also met every bill and mortgage payment. My bank manager here in France has faith in me because I've done everything I said I would - even though sometimes I didn't know how I was going to do it. I've also kept food on the table and a smile on my face (most of the time!). So no, there is no way that I'm bad with money! I'm actually pretty darned good with it!

And as for the re-branding of the business? Well, guess what's coming back to me time and time and time again. Much to my utter amazement (and honour) clients and friends have told me "YOU are the business, you always have been! We bought YOU, because of what YOU do - some people liked Cam, many people just tolerated him, others simply hated him. But no one has anything but praise for you". 

To be honest, I didn't believe it for a long time - I actually didn't WANT to believe it. Because if I did, then I'd be obliged to set it up all over again. I'd also have to come out of the shadows, which has been my enforced 'home' and therefore become my comfort zone over the past few years.

Since the beginning of this year, though, I've had more and more proof of the strength of the Top Banana brand. And I am now allowing myself to remember that I was the driving force behind it. I chose the name. I commissioned the logo design. I brought Lara in to the business. I targeted clients. I took their calls. I met them all. I wrote the proposals. I designed the training - god damn it, I even coached Cam on what he was to present - and how he was to deliver! So how on earth I'd allowed myself to slink away in to the shadows, and to turn against the business, the brand, that I gave so much to and that in turn gave so much to me - well, it's beyond comprehension. I take my hat of to Cam's skills of manipulation. He was very VERY good.

Over the past two weeks I've heard enough 'coincidences' to convince me to keep the brand. If I am pitching as 'Mel Carnegie' that's one thing. But mention Top Banana, and everything becomes elevated. Talking to a major player at Disney last week, the mention of Top Banana in Brighton immediately allowed us to discover that we share a best friend, who was very taken with our company ten years ago! Another blue-chip is keen for me to send them information because they've also heard great things about Top Banana. My friend Matt came across someone high up in a particular radio group who has nothing but praise for Top Banana (even though I don't personally know this lady) - and the same for another radio group who's also heard a ton of good stuff about Top Banana. Another friend from the Northeast told me yesterday about a motivational speaker who also said he'd heard great things about Top Banana and the things we do!

So - as my friend Greg said to me so many months ago, and as so many people are saying to me now - to be recognised and admired just from a company name is a rare thing in this day and age. It's a diamond in these dull grey times.

You know what they say about diamonds? They're a girl's best friend. And Top Banana? Well, for many many years it was everything to me - and it brought me riches in experience, exposure, confidence, enjoyment, reputation, contacts and friends.

So who am I to bury it for good?

The old Top Banana - or rather, what I thought it was, what I believed it stood for - is dead and buried along with my relationship with Cam. But the new Top Banana - the new me, the new group of people around me, the renewed energy, passion and authenticity - well, now that is most CERTAINLY alive and well!

In it's infancy at the moment, The Top Banana Bunch will bring together like minded people and companies who want to serve and make a difference. Together we will provide an unrivaled service in people development. The timing is absolutely perfect as we move out of recession - management teams will be tired from the fight. Employees will have lost their belief. Board members will no longer have the necessary chutzpah to stand up make the difference. But WE do - and we know how to teach others to have the same. Because we've been through it ourselves. Every one of us who plays a part in this group will bear our own battle scars with pride. Each of us will have faced our own personal battles. Between us we will understand the devastation of loss. The hurt of betrayal. The vulnerability of despair. And between us we will create differences in the lives of people who are striving to make this economy strong.  

Top Banana is indeed dead. LONG LIVE TOP BANANA!!!!!!!!

Well Well Well...

... no, not the three holes in the ground. Just a wry smile on my face because things really are now moving forward. I really AM free. And I've just received a telephone call out of the blue, that I've taken as a big sign that all is well.

It was from Doug, an amazingly kind and talented guy we did all our best training with when we were running the business. I always thought of Doug as a friend, not just a work colleague, and I was gutted when we drifted apart (now I realise this was Cam's influence, but that doesn't matter now). Chatting to him on the phone after what, two years? Three years even? It felt as though time had just melted away, and I felt the connection once again. Only yesterday he had heard through the grapevine that Cam and I had separated, but didn't know the details. So he immediately called, much to my surprise and delight. And as I explained what had happened, I felt his support and understanding beaming towards me. Once again, more support, more good people - another person who had been kept away, but who can now return. He told me that he married his beautiful girlfriend just before Christmas, and I am so chuffed for both of them. It's wonderful news!

So many more things are also slipping in to place. Strange coincidences seem to be happening, and I feel that I'm in the 'flow' that I've read about and searched for since I first started on my journey of self-development. This time, though, the movement is effortless. My only job now is to relax, accept and quite literally "go with the flow" for things are unfolding in so many glorious ways right in front of my eyes.

You may have read in an earlier post about the unexpected kindness of a friend? Well, as a result of that kindness I was able to visit my solicitor last week. And it turns out that I might just be in a better position than I could have imagined. So that's good.

I was also able to collect new passports for both myself and Dylan - on the same day, when I was told it would take longer! Our surname is now officially back to my maiden name again, which makes a massive psychological difference.

I met some amazing people last week, and now the opportunities for work are even better and more exciting than I could possibly have imagined! And I was absolutely flabbergasted by the links and coincidences that continued to present themselves as the week progressed. So much so that, on the train home on Thursday evening, I could not contain my happiness! Smiling like a Cheshire cat, and unable to concentrate on the newspaper in front of me, my bizarre antics prompted a fellow passenger to approach me when I left the train, telling me I'd cheered him up as he'd never seen anyone look so happy....!!!

And then just a couple of days ago, one of my best friends in the whole wide world was given the good news that he'd secured the job he so dearly wanted - and deserved. For him, that marks the end of a very trying two years - so we celebrated together! Matt and his lovely wife have both been with me every step of the way, as have I with them through their trials. And we regularly share a philosophical conversation over a few glasses of wine, trying to make sense of these testing times.

Last night was no exception. This time, though, the philosophical conversation was positive as we focused on the things we've learned over the past few months. It seemed no coincidence that we were both suddenly back in similar circumstances to when we first met ten years ago. Specifically that he was just taking a new job as MD of a radio station, and that I was just pulling together a new training business. OK, things are not quite the same, but the similarities are there without question. So we asked the question "Had so much changed in that time after all?" and the response was a resounding "YES!". 

We both remembered that at that time, we were happy and excited about our lives in every sense of the world. We were at the top of our game, and we both achieved amazing results in our careers. We spoke the same language that we use today, we had the same dreams - so how come so much had 'gone wrong' over the past few years? And what had changed?

Chortling at the sudden 'ah-ha moment' that this prompted in both of us, we agreed that somehow the vibration has changed. It's difficult to put in to words, but somehow the energy and belief is now rooted and safe. It's now solid - through and through.  It's not floating in the wind, nor shooting off in all directions. We were no longer looking outside for the answers, or for more input. Now we were looking inwards, and noticing the differences.

And then we hit on the next realisation. Remembering the fantastic results we both achieved back then, just imagine the results we can now achieve, with the added wisdom and calm that we've both gained over the past few years? Now THAT'S inspiring. THAT'S something to leap out of bed for in the morning. THAT'S something to get really excited about.

I was asked a couple of days ago if I was "hungry" - meaning was I keen to get out there and make a difference. Absolutely I am! This time, though, no matter how hungry I may be, I won't stop at the first junk-food outlet I find - not even for a second. I'll select my food and service wisely. I'll take my time and choose calmly, with the inner peace and knowing that I DO have options, and that I DO deserve the best. This time I'll be patient and trust that the best is destined for me, no matter how things might appear on the outside. I'll be open to new opportunities and I'll accept the ones that serve me the best. For if I can survive through a year like 2009 and come through smiling, then I can certainly thrive in 2010 and beyond.

Neale Donald Walsche puts it this way: "Life works out in the process of Life Itself. All you have to do is trust that it will, and allow it to."

As I said right in the beginning.... well well well.... and you know what? It jolly well is.