Being Human
As you’ll know if you read my last post,
I am now in a relationship with a wonderfully caring soul who is the polar
opposite from my ex-husband. He’s been through his own tragedies, losing his
previous partner to breast cancer. He is real, he has feelings, he cares and,
most importantly, he is human. That means that like me, he has his failings. It
means that his responses are not always perfect. Along with letting me know how
much he loves me he also freely shows his confusion, demonstrates his hurts,
and tells me when he feels in any way upset.
My own responses though, I am coming to learn,
often stem from learned behaviours that I came to know from my time with my so
called soulmate. Life with him was so darned perfect that there was never a
cross word nor anything that caused me to even consider that our relationship
was anything other than a dream come true. That dream, of course, turned out to
be a living nightmare – but I didn’t know that at the time.
So when Patrice (my Frenchman who speaks no
English) becomes quiet or reserved, I instantly question his motives –
wondering whether he, like my ex, is trying to manipulate or control me. Of
course when my ex was around, I had no such internal guidance or red flags. I
just took everything that he showed me to be true, and I continued to shower
him with unconditional love. By the time his mask was slipping, I was so far
hooked in to his trap that I believed his strange behaviour must be due to
something I was doing wrong. And I responded by showing even more love and
understanding, opening my heart and soul even wider to embrace and reassure
him, so that he would know without question that I loved him wholly and
completely. I thought that was what marriage was all about – my ability to love
him through whatever issues or problems he was facing, choosing to show more
love in the face of his increasingly irrational put-downs and snide remarks.
Trust Without Naivety
From the beginning, the only thing I have
promised Patrice is complete honesty – and that is what he gets. In
barrow-loads! I continue to do my best to explain to him why I am no longer
that naively trusting soul. To clarify why when there is something that happens
to concern or rattle me – no matter how small – I will not brush it under the
carpet. Instead I will meet it head on, gently in the most parts, and get to
understand what it is all about.
The first few times this happened, I felt myself
shutting off to him – and I told him so in no uncertain terms. I guess in hindsight
mine was probably a pretty harsh comeback when all he was doing from his point
of view was sharing his frustrations. For me, it was also incredibly
challenging to really speak up for myself. To ‘go there’ when the circumstances
seemed in many ways to be fairly petty. But I did it because I felt there was
no point if I kept quiet – where is the honesty in keeping a painted smile?
And I’m pleased that I’ve learned to do this. I’m
proud of myself for questioning every tiny misunderstanding, so that together
we can understand, learn and lay solid foundations. This is the first time in
my life that I’ve felt able to behave in this way with someone who is so close
to me. So what has changed?
Courage To Be Real
Well, I think that once again it’s an opportunity
for me to feel gratitude for all the unpleasant and sometimes downright ghastly
experiences that I’ve encountered over my life so far. When I became an orphan
I quickly learned how to fit in, shut up, put up and stay quiet – in short how
to become invisible. I learned to ignore my own cries for help, and to push
down my feelings of pain and loneliness. In their place I chose instead to
focus on understanding and helping others – little realizing that through doing
that I was simply pushing my own identity further and further within me, until
I didn’t even know who I was. Oh yes, I had a mask of my own. But my mask,
unlike that of the sociopath, was one created for survival. One that hurt
nobody else but myself.
The mask of the sociopath, on the other hand, is
a carefully crafted guise of love and devotion, designed to disable their
target so they bend to their every twisted whim and manipulation. Is it any
wonder that I fell so completely, hook line and sinker, for his practiced act
of adoration and love? Having been starved of such connections for so many
years, my ex was like a breath of fresh air. I truly felt that I had come home,
and that life would be forever rosy. Looking back I can’t help but have a wry
smile, realizing that I must have been a particularly easy target for him. They
talk about rose-coloured spectacles… well, mine must have caused me to be
blind, deaf and dumb to his scheming ways. I was so wrapped up in the dream of
finally finding happiness that I simply couldn’t see what was right under my
nose.
It’s only in recent years that people have shared
with me their own views on my ex-soulmate. I’ve heard many words to describe
the man I thought was handsome, charming, charismatic, and the life and soul of
the party. Opinions such as ‘cheesy’ ‘fake’ ‘annoying’ ‘a braggart’ and many
more are now being voiced by the people who knew him. When I ask why they
didn’t tell me at the time, I receive the perfectly reasonable reply that they
didn’t think it was any of their business. That I was quite clearly in love and
happy with this person, so they didn’t want to rain on my parade.
I Still Believe In Magic
Hmmmm…. My own worst enemy? Well, perhaps so… but
only now with the insights I have learned through my own journey to recovery.
Do I blame myself? Far from it! I am deeply proud of what I have survived – and
I also believe that it was because of my stubborn belief in magic that I didn’t
allow myself to go down when all around me was falling to pieces. Ironically, I
now believe that it was those very same characteristics that kept me so
blinkered to his ways (including my innocent belief in love and happy ever
after) that eventually proved to be my salvation. Through the bleakest days
weeks and months following the meltdown, I still held strong to my conviction
that everything would work out in the end – even though there were many times
when it would have seemed the more sensible option was to just give up and give
in.
I remember consistently telling people that if I
could feel so in love and so fulfilled with someone who was nothing more than a
conman, then when a real man came in to my life, the experience could only be
many times better! I confess that for a long time this was more of a mantra
than a strongly held conviction – but you know what? It has worked wonders for
me.
Because now, in the company of Patrice, I am able
to check and double-check on everything that happens between us. I can ask
what’s wrong when he seems to be less bouncy than usual. I can speak up for
myself if I feel he’s being unreasonable. I can ask what he’s feeling when he
seeks reassurances. I can tell him I need space when I feel too squashed. And I
can let him know every time he makes me feel like a princess – and that feels
great.
So, no, it ain’t always easy being in a ‘real’
relationship after the false perfection that I knew for so long. But goodness
knows it’s healthy and it’s honest. And through continued talking, sharing,
hugging and learning about each other, I am feeling more settled, safe and
loved than ever before in my life.
Does it mean I’m going to become a pushover with
him? Heck no! I shall probably keep questioning even the smallest details for
however long we stay together. I refuse to say ‘forever’ anymore, because the
last time I did that I lost any hope of remembering who I really was. Nope.
This time it is day by day, and let me tell you that right now, with each day
that passes, this particular relationship is more fulfilling, exciting,
rewarding, challenging, and loving than anything I ever experienced with my ex.
As I said at the start of this post, I am finally
appreciating the joys of life’s journey. I do not need to focus on a
destination, because I will never be ‘there’… I am here. And here is exactly
the right place for me right now. However long this particular ‘now’ lasts
doesn’t even matter in the grand scale of things. Because whatever happens in
the future, I know I am at last able to be true to myself and to those around
me.
So in actual fact the real love I’ve found is
love for myself – and with that, no-thing and no-one can ever harm me again. As
Patrice keeps saying to me “que des bonnes choses maintenant” which
means “only good things now” – and you know what? I fully
agree.
