Carry On As Normal

I've just had one of those whooshing light-bulb sort of moments... one of those "doh!" ones
(accompanied by the slap on the forehead) and I felt compelled to write it out. Exactly as my dear friend Anna advised me to do when I started this blog and was doing my best to come to terms with the craziness of my life. This time though I'm not writing about craziness - nope, this time I'm writing about normality which, for me as I've just realised, feels like a different kind of crazy! I'll explain...

Life has continued to be on the 'up and out' as the magic continues to happen and things continue to blossom and grow - often in ways I could never possibly have imagined just a short time ago. Because not so long ago things were completely different.... and this is where this latest epiphany has happened. Not so long ago I was fighting for my very survival - for me and also for my son. Further back in time I also found myself fighting - for me and for my sister. And right back in the early days I was fighting just to keep myself from tumbling in to an abyss of grief. For more than four decades I've been in fight mode, ready to respond, ready to take control, ready for anything. It's true, each battle has been different - but the war's always been the same. To survive and to keep my family safe, no matter what life throws my way.

So is it really any wonder then, that now - today, right here, right now - when it's finally dawned on me that there are no more battles to fight (as has been the case for a while now) it's come as a bit of a "woooooooaaaaah!" kind of a feeling? Because all of a sudden other stuff is falling in to place... nope... crashing and tumbling in actual fact!

I was chatting with my sister yesterday - she in her house in London, me at home in France - and it turns out both she and I were feeling a little bit flat and low. For the life of us, neither one of us could really provide any good reason! I am loving the work I am doing - I am fulfilled in so many ways and on so many different levels, and loving how it continues to grow in more ways than I'd dreamed of; Dylan has just started his second year at university - after the most joyful, magical and fun-filled weekend of celebrations for his 18th birthday; I live in a beautiful home that I love, and am surrounded by friends who enrich my life with colour, energy, vibrancy.... and so much more. My sister, Abby, had  a similar story to tell, yet the truth was there - that feeling of flatness and emptiness.

As we talked, we pondered the idea that since we weren't allowed to show emotion or be real as we were growing up, perhaps it makes it harder to for us to accept and enjoy the good stuff now? Perhaps for fear that it will be taken away....? I know for certain that's been a personal challenge for me - and one that I've enjoyed 'working on' as I learned to accept kindness and help, and a whole heap of other good things. Now the good stuff continues to shift up a gear or two, so I guess that kinda makes sense...

I carried on pondering long after we finished the conversation, which had finished on the conclusion that everyone has ups and downs, it's just part of life! As is now my way, rather than working it out, I allowed myself to 'work it in'... and it hit me this afternoon as I was mowing the lawn. Here it is...

If (as is indeed the case) I've been so used to slaying dragons all of my life - fight or flight mode permanently at the ready and poised for action - well then I guess that would have kinda given me a reason to stay alert. It would have kept me on the edge most of the time. It would have become, as I now recognise, a feeling of safety - better the devil you know and all that jazz - because it was something I knew and was used to. It doesn't mean it was a good feeling or way of life, but it was familiar to me. More than familiar. It was part of me.

So... over recent times (accelerated beyond measure since the publication of my book) well, the battles are over. The fighting has finished and the war has been won. I know, because I feel it in my soul, that the bad-stuff has finally been vanquished. I am free. I am safe. I have been for a good while now... so what was that feeling of emptiness all about then? That's something I'm not used to...!

Bhoff... there it was. The emptiness is there because fight or flight mode is no longer there - simple as that. Because as you know, I've finally accepted the good. The peace. The security... of just being me. It's been this way for a while, and I guess it probably took a while to finally believe it to be true - on every level. And now that's happened... well... there's space. And quiet. And yep, what could easily have been described as 'emptiness'.

This is all part of a new adventure. This is all part of learning to live a normal life.... hmmm.... normal? Well, probably not (thank you Edward Monkton) - then again, who is?

So now I know what it is, there's room for me to fill this space with even more good things. More love. More joy. More expression.... More life.

I'm ready - in a gentle, quietly spoken, understated sort of a way.... NOT!

Oh cummon, I've only just come alive over recent years - surely you didn't expect me to quieten down now did you?

Nope - now's the time to live life out loud and fill my life with bucket-loads of fun and adventure. This time it's without the need for my fighting equipment. All the old skills will always be with me of course - it's just that now I'm using what I've learned to bring more love and acceptance in to the world. Fighting is exhausting. Let's make love the normality now eh?

Bring it on :-)

Shine Bright Like A Diamond

This is a piece that has just been published in a fabulous new publication - here is the link to see the original and read other great stories www.40fabulousmagazine.com

Since I was very small, I have always had an unwavering belief in magic. I loved films like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and I remember one time being taken to the cinema to watch Peter Pan. I shouted, clapped and stamped my feet as hard as I could to save Tinkerbell after she took the poisoned medicine. I willed her to come back to life, and was overjoyed when her light started to shine again! I know it appears silly writing it here now, but at the time I honestly believed that I had helped to bring her back to life – and I remember feeling warm and good.

Of course those are just innocent childhood memories… or are they? Because these days I am convinced that my early experiences played a major role in shaping how I coped with the numerous jolts that life seemed to throw at me. Over recent years when I was told by solicitors, debt companies and numerous other professionals that there was no way out of the nightmare after discovering that my soulmate was a sociopath, I simply refused to believe them. I just knew that somewhere, somehow there would be a solution – and I prayed for some magic to happen.

OK, there might not actually have been fairies or wizards at play, but I genuinely believe that my childlike faith (or stubborn pigheadedness perhaps?) helped me overcome every single hurdle that appeared in my path.  Yes, even against all the professional advice I’d received along the way… “You’ll have to lose your home” “You must leave France” “You’ve got to accept that everything is going to change” I remember one evening, over a large glass of wine, chanting to myself over and over again “I do believe in fairies, I do I do I do!” hoping that perhaps my own bruised and battered light would once again brighten and carry me back to some kind of normality!

And you know what? Through it all, my light did indeed come back. Bigger and brighter than ever before. Against the odds I made it – I overcame every challenge, and came out the other side much richer in life than I had possibly known could be possible. Richer not in material goods (although I did manage to keep my beloved home) but in the way I felt about myself and about the world around me. For the first time that I could remember, I felt ‘switched on’ and lit up. I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt that life was good. In short – I found the truth of who I really am, and I had come home.

This was how I first discovered the key to what is now known as DeNA – our revolutionary training approach that lights people up from the inside.

After finding and accepting myself, my life shifted and continued to shift for the better. On a regular basis I would experience out-of-the blue contacts from people keen to give me work. I’d find new connections with people – either deepening with existing friends, or with new people who would suddenly appear in my life. I stopped feeling tired – in fact I remember saying to my friend Marty one time that I just didn’t know what to do with all this energy that I suddenly had! Each day became like a miracle, and slowly slowly I began to relax in to this new way of being, this new and magical way of experiencing the world, and I began to enjoy watching things unfold. The stress had gone. The worry had gone. The bad feelings had gone. This was real-life magic, and I found I was pinching myself to check it was real…!

I came to understand that through all the ‘bad stuff’ I had been given the gift of connecting with something so profoundly life-changing that I felt compelled to share it with others. I had found that by attaching with myself from the inside, I could affect my outside world in a way that I had never dreamed possible. Yes, I’d already spent years studying and qualifying in all manner of therapies such as Louise Hay, NLP, Coaching and Firewalking. All of those techniques were a tremendous help to me as I faced my battles. But I knew from deep within my soul that what I’d discovered was something even more meaningful. Something that had changed my life beyond recognition. Something I knew I was meant to refine and share. So over the coming months I played with what I had learned, experimenting on myself and gradually introducing new techniques in to my coaching sessions, so I could test whether I was correct in what I believed I’d discovered. Could it really be that I’d be able to share with others in short sessions what had taken me over four decades to find in myself?

In short, the answer was ‘yes’. I found out that I could light-up others in the way that I had been lit-up myself. I was able to help others uncover their own inner power in just a couple of hours, and each time it happened the person in front of me literally changed before my eyes. They became calm. They looked younger. They were free – and their eyes shone clear and bright. Once lit-up I was then able to show them how they could use their new understanding of themselves – because I’d learned how to do it myself. That way it became a permanent life-skill, and I soon began to recognize that the shift people experienced through this process was more than just a mental shift…. It was a profound change on every level. And because of that, it meant it lasted.

Over recent months, and with help and guidance from some great friends, I have built this process in to a training programme that is equally effective in the corporate world (my profession for the past 15 years) as in what I now refer to as “Life plc” – it’s for people like you and me, it’s for parents, for teachers, for therapists, and for children.

Just a few weeks ago I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to run an introductory light-up session with a room full of Brownies – little girls aged from 7-9 years old. Together with Tracy, my business partner, we worked our magic in the room and every single one of those children was lit-up. We invited them to draw and share what they had found, entitling their drawings “ME” standing for My Energy. The results were breathtaking – I am getting goosebumps now just writing about it and remembering the experience! These beautiful little souls created the most amazing pictures and wrote the most insightful words when asked to describe how they felt with their energy ‘switched on’….. “I feel pretty and confident” wrote one “I am strong, safe, and happy” said another “I am the light because the sunshine is within me” grinned another one, who until this moment had been quiet and kept her eyes to the floor.

Was I right to believe in magic as a child…? Well yes, I think I was. Because surely, what we’re now able to bring to the world is magic indeed. In the words of Rhianna “Shine Bright Like a Diamond” – because as more and more people light-up, so our world can shine bright like the diamond it is meant to be.

Find out more about DeNA here: www.denarevolution.com

Join our revolution on Facebook here: www.facebook.com/DenaRevolution

50 Shades of Shift

Hmmm... When the shift hits the fan I guess it's always going to be messy. You know how important growth and development is to me, and how often I have referred to it here on this site? You know as well, how I am one of those who is against the idea of enforced change, and more an advocate of invitation and coaching? Well, it appears that I've been going through so much transition lately that I'm not entirely sure who I am becoming or perhaps, who I already am...

And the shifts this time have just kept on coming. One after another - sometimes a bunch at a time. It continues to be an intriguing process and as I just said, it also means that I'm really no longer sure who I am.... and I reckon that's a good thing. Because surely that indicates real, profound growth?

I know for sure that in more ways than I can count I am no longer who I was. Whilst I do believe that I am still the same essence and soul I have always been, I know for certain that my behaviours and responses are wildly different from even just a couple of years ago. In fact, even from a few months ago when I stop to think about it. These shifts started as a conscious leap - of that there is no doubt. It's been my soul stretching and releasing itself in ways I didn't know were possible before... hang on though.... before what...? Hmmm... I suppose, before I learned how to truly and fully connect with who I really am - which arguably makes my title question appear a little contradictory to say the least! Ha ha, so please bear with me... I find that writing stuff out helps me to gain clarity. That's of course why I started this blog in the first place - as a diary for me to make sense of the nightmare at the time. And it worked. It did the job and it appeared to help others as well along the way. It's helping again now, so I'll continue...

You know what? When on the odd occasions I choose to look back on those early days of 2009 - seeing photos, reading through old personal and business emails, I can hardly recognise myself. So much has changed since then - both externally and internally. And now... well it appears that the process is speeding up again. This time though, these particular shifts are entirely 100% positive; no 'bad stuff' to deal with, just growth. So how come it still feels peculiar and somewhat frightening...? This is where teacher becomes student, and I remind myself of the many times I've explained to people that the physical sensation of being frightened and being excited are practically identical - it just the label we choose to give it ( a 'good' or a 'bad' experience) that determines how we then respond.

I know this stuff, of course I do - and each time I remind myself of something that's so fundamentally a part of me, it makes me laugh. Sometimes a quiet inside giggle, and sometimes a loud guffaw, which can be somewhat embarrassing when it happens in public - ask the shoppers at my local supermarket who were party to a particularly unexpected and noisy snort and splutter just a couple of days ago! I could have passed it off as a joke between friends had I been with anyone else - but nope, there I was all alone looking at the fruit and vegetables. So instead I raised my head, smiled and nodded directly at the people who'd turned around to stare, and walked off to the cheese counter before another serious fit of giggles took over. No wonder the French think we English are all somewhat weird!

At the end of last year things were very different. I was running my coaching and training as before, and life was ticking along very nicely. My son had just left for university (that was a darned tricky shift to make - one I've only just started getting used to!) and things were stable. I was in the process of finalising the publication of the book and I'd just got myself a base in the UK so that I no longer had to live in hotels during my frequent visits. I was feeling happy, settled, and also ready for much bigger things.

But I hadn't expected this..! Over the space of just a few months I've published my book so that my story is out there warts and all, I've completely re-branded my business, I've been interviewed for radio, newspapers and magazines, I've been contacted by people from all over the world thanking me for sharing my story, I've just agreed a new partnership to launch my new training programme to corporate and to wider audiences, oh - and of course I've signed a contract to appear in a movie. WOW! As if all that wasn't enough? Over recent weeks I've finally started feeling comfortable in my physical skin. I'm finally finding out 'who I am' not just inside, but outside as well...

I've finally learned to let my hair fall in to it's natural place (largely due to my sister's recommendation and cajoling - thank you!) Clothes-wise, I've stopped worrying about what might or might not 'look right' and instead have decided to brave my own choices in style, and live with the consequences. Oh, and my smile. That seems to have shifted as well. Again, something I hadn't really appreciated until just now when I had a look back at some old photos on Facebook (hmmm... I'd forgotten about some of those!) and I can see that I now smile with my eyes, not just with the rest of my face. For me, that's a sign that I really am finally free from 'the bad stuff' and from 'fighting'. Perhaps that's why it all feels so strange. Learning to embrace life for all the good that it really is, with no need to battle for survival... well, I tell you what.. it feels absolutely amazing!

I'm also continuing to honour who I am on the inside... I'm finding it even easier to pay attention to and act on my instinct (including politely declining a sizeable business proposal last week because it just didn't 'sit right' inside) and am also trusting my instinct when new people turn up - which they are continuing to do at an amazing rate. A few weeks ago I had a chance meeting with a lady in a bar - for some reason we locked eyes across the room, and for no logical reason we both just knew it was a 'meant to be' meeting. Since then that lovely lady has become my friend and my PA... we share so much in common in the way we have had to deal with things growing up, and I am absolutely delighted that we've connected and are now working together. Talk about haphazard and trusting gut feelings!

Speaking of which, a couple of weeks ago I had a completely different experience of trusting my gut. I'd arranged a meeting with a senior executive in the City. I had been very excited to meet this person, so it was somewhat of a surprise to me when my instincts went on high alert just a few minutes after we started talking. As the conversation continued, I paid even more attention to my feelings and suddenly was able to see through the polished mask that was being presented to me. With very little specifically 'logical' evidence to speak of, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was face to face with a disordered person. Someone who certainly didn't expect to be sitting opposite a person who would be able to see the truth! You know what though? Despite the fact I realised early on exactly what I was dealing with, it was still an unnerving and unpleasant experience. I recognised the attempts to charm and beguile, and I felt the body blows when this particular individual did their level best to rattle me. But I kept my guard high and maintained my position. When the meeting was over it took me  a while to steady myself and regain my composure. And then I felt glad, proud and free. Because maybe I won't be able to spot every sociopath, narcissist, psychopath or any other number of disordered people who might cross my path in the future - but I sure as heck spotted that one. I got the signals loud and clear... and that has added to my confidence that I can not be duped again.

All of this also adds to my conviction that the training programme we're in the process of launching is going to have a massive impact on the way we do things - in business and in our personal life. Because it teaches people in a very short space of time how to connect with and trust their instincts, and how to communicate with confidence and authenticity. The more people learn how to behave in that way, the less the manipulators can continue twisting values and dimming lives.

So yes... it's continuing to be exciting as my life path is quite literally developing in front of me... and yes, shift does indeed happen. I'm as certain as I can be that this is far from the end, and each time more shift comes along - the more comfortable I become with the process. New? Yes. Scary? Sometimes. Exciting? Most of the time. Growing as a result...? Oh yes indeed my friends... and I'm loving it.

"Another sack of shift, Madam?" "Yes, thank you - don't mind if I do. Bring it on!"

;-)

Four Years On...

Today is Thursday 23^rd April 2013. I am relaxing with a cup of coffee at Limoges airport in France, sipping a café crème while I wait for my plane to arrive. I'm feeling excited about the coming two weeks in the UK, and am also taking this opportunity to give myself a big smile and a massive pat on the back. It’s only now, looking back with clear vision, that I can begin to fully comprehend exactly what I’ve achieved over the past few years – and I am filled with pride and love for myself. Does that sound boastful? Well, perhaps taken as a stand-alone statement I suppose it could indeed appear a little as though I’m blowing my own trumpet – although I still maintain there’s actually nothing wrong in that… but I digress. The recognition of exactly who I am and where I am, for me, feels like a huge release. A sense of lightness. Of freedom. And of peace. Because not so long ago it was a very different story…

Four years ago to this day I was also at an airport. It was Angouleme airport, and I was there with my son. It was the day after the evening when I had uncovered all the sordid, sickening details of the life my husband had been leading behind my back. The night before I had finally fallen in to bed, exhausted, sobbed out and totally empty (apart from the good few slugs of brandy I had downed). The next morning, four years ago today, I faced the toughest challenge that has ever been put in front of me. Because I knew I had to tell my son Dylan what had happened. That everything we knew had suddenly changed beyond comprehension... and I knew it would break his heart. It was beyond excruciating, because I already knew the pain that my words were about to cause the most precious person in my life. To this day I remember his innocent little face crumpling in agony as the dreadful truth sank in… heaven forbid that I ever have to witness anything like that ever again.

Four years ago, we were clinging to each other at the airport, broken hearted and numb with shock, glad to be  flying to be with people who love us (Dylan was going to stay with his father, and me with my sister) and at the same time facing a terrifyingly uncertain future.

To be honest, looking back over those early days and weeks, I really don’t know how I got through – well actually, yes, of course I do… but I sometimes wonder, had I known in the early days just how long the war was going to be, and how much tougher the battles would become as time marched on, well... perhaps I might not have continued with quite such determined force. But I didn't know, and I did battle on - and thank goodness  for that. Because now life couldn't be more different...

Now… Aaahhhh.... NOW…. Well, I can honestly look back over it all and feel glad and proud. Glad that it’s over, and proud at what I’ve achieved in a remarkably short period of time. Because today I am sitting here full of wonderment and excitement – about today and about the future.  Today I am prepared for a two-week trip to the UK that promises to produce yet more opportunities and adventures – and Dylan is at university in Bordeaux successfully finishing his end of first year exams. Incredible! We spoke on the phone last night, both of us remembering the road we'd travelled - how far we'd journeyed and where we'd got to....  

Things have of course become steadily better... and since the end of last year, my life has taken extraordinary leaps forward, in just about every way conceivable - and the hits keep on coming! I have published my first book; I am surrounded by an amazing team of people - both personally and professionally; I am contracted to appear in a movie along side such self-development luminaries as Brian Tracy and Don Miguel Ruiz; oh, and I am also just about to launch an ‘inside-out’ training programme that is destined to have a major impact in the way we do things, both in the corporate world and in ‘Life plc’… Talk about feeling fizzly - this is more of a full-blown supernova! (Wikipedia's description: "a star that suddenly increases greatly in brightness because of a catastrophic explosion that ejects most of its mass" - ha, well I couldn't have put it better myself, perhaps apart from changing 'mass' to 'mess'!) 

So how have all these shifts come about? Well, even while I was still fighting my battles and claiming my victories, even while I was still exhausted and wondering where I'd find my next burst of energy, I heard it said by a few people that “you are so strong, you always pick yourself up, it’s just who you are …” and on many occasions I felt somewhat peeved. Didn’t people realize just how bloody hard I’d worked to get through challenge after challenge - not just now but in my early years? Couldn’t they see that it’s not simply a question of “it’s alright for you…” it's so much more than that? Couldn't they jolly well see that I've been in training over many years to be able to get through this particular nightmare for goodness sake? And then all of a sudden it dawned on me that perhaps they couldn't see that at all... and I went quiet. 

And then I got to thinking. … Hmmmm…. OK, yes, I am strong and yes I always pick myself up - but was that nature, nurture or something else? Round and round the questions went while I explored reasons and theories (as many of my closest friends will witness!) until I became absolutely certain beyond any doubt that in actual fact there is nothing ‘special’ about me at all…. By which I mean no more ‘special’ than anyone else here on this planet. 

Because I came to understand that in actual fact, over the years I had been learning, checking and fine-tuning a set of skills that got me through the shifting sands of my experiences - so yes, it was indeed "just who I was" but I had become that way through a set of testing situations. I had learned how to be flexible. I had learned about responsibility. I had learned to ask the questions and not take 'no' for an answer. And above all, I learned about courage. I honestly believe looking back, that it was only once I'd successfully fought (and won) so many battles, that I knew I finally had the courage to go within and do the real work. To find out and connect with who I really am - because it was then that I finally 'got it'... 

I remember when it happened, because I wrote about it here in this blog. It was June 2010 and I remember feeling terrified as I came to understand that this sense of 'no way back' was upon me...! I also remember that once I actually 'got there' and found myself - well, there was really nothing at all to be frightened of - quite the opposite in actual fact. Because from there, things really started shifting and getting better. And as I got to understand what had happened on a 'soul' level, I began to realise that being so previously 'disconnected' with myself had caused me no end of difficulties. 

As I began to truly grasp the meaning of this, I started to understand that this is something that we all do in some way shape or form. And I became fascinated with the idea that perhaps I could find a way to guide others to do what I had done and clear whatever obstacles or challenges they were facing... eventually I succeeded, and it worked. Each time I felt the compulsion to 'go for it' in coaching sessions, I just seemed to be able to hit the spot - no matter the person or the situation. People would call what I did 'Mel magic' and I really did begin to wonder (and worry!) whether it was something that perhaps only I could do because of the trials I'd faced and overcome?  

To my absolute delight, in recent weeks I have come to absolutely know beyond any question, that the technique I have developed can be trained and repeated by other people. Simply put, it is a process that guides people to 'light up' from within, and by doing so create the life of their dreams. This methodology has recently become a brand. And this brand has become a product that (together with the fabulous people who have gathered together to create the key team) I'm now ready and able to launch to the corporate market as well as to "Life plc".

Very soon there will be a website and more to explain exactly what this programme is and how it is going to work. Until then, just ponder this... if I can deal with all the stuff life has dealt, and successfully turn my life around in the way I have... and if the techniques I used are now transferable through a specific training methodology... and if the approach for this training methodology can also be adapted to fit not just the corporate world, but also schools, parents, teachers, groups - people just like you and me - just begin to imagine now what this could bring to others... and ultimately to the world we live in... Are you feeling fizzly yet...?

What a difference four years makes eh? Thank you :-) 

The Darkest Hour Is The One Before Dawn

Phewy... and.... breathe.... Over the past few days I've been feeling somewhat 'stuck' and blocked. I know, it happens to all of us every now and again. Recent weeks have brought such a buzzing roller-coaster of experiences that I'd forgotten how much the 'darkness' can feel so overwhelming when it arrives. I guess like so many others, I can be prone to periods where I lack energy and motivation, where it seems (emphasis on 'seems') that all is about to be lost and nothing is moving forward. I have referred to these moments before as the 'blip' times and I accepted long ago that whenever things become uncomfortable or unsettling it always signifies a period of growth and adjustment. I know for a fact that it heralds the start of something new, and that always (and in all ways) it is a good thing. But crikey, it can still be tricky when I'm in the thick of it!

This particular dark phase hasn't lasted very long. It's been a powerful one though, prompting me to once again bring in to play the skills I've been fine-tuning for so many years. I learned long ago not to fight whatever feelings I may be experiencing - just as I've also learned that the 'trick' to this is to just go with the flow, allowing whatever feelings to arise, without any judgement or blame. Whatever is going on is just an expression of who I am - and since I have finally learned to love who I am... well, then it stands to reason that there simply can't be any criticism, right? And so it has been that from that place of love, I have watched myself over the past few days as I've slumped around the house, feeling tired and lethargic, and prone to tears for no apparent reason. And at the same time I have loved myself for being that way, knowing that given time, patience and kindness I would come out the other side even brighter than before.

I guess it's part of nature's cycle - and there is no point arguing with that! Things die away to make room for new growth, and I suppose it's natural to feel a sense of mourning through the process. "This too will pass" is a phrase that has been running through my head, as I've continued to smile at myself in the mirror and give myself comforting 'mental hugs'. And you know what? Daft though it may perhaps seem, I can honestly say that this last dark period has been one that I actually learned to enjoy...! It doesn't mean I'd like to feel that way more of the time, it just means that this time it posed no real threat to me. Before, I would have been afraid. Before, I would have been worried that perhaps I was doing something wrong. Before, I would have been so focused on fighting 'what is' that I'd actually have prolonged the agony!

This time, though, I knew for sure that whatever was happening would pass. I remembered that there is a gift in every experience, and that however I might reappear the other side I would be brighter and stronger. Another of my favourite sayings is "the darkest hour is the one before dawn" so this time I chose to embrace the darkness, taking myself off to bed when I felt tired, and crying whenever I felt like it.

Last night, just after midnight, I felt the darkness lifting. And I rejoiced, knowing for certain that whatever blocks had been there were loosening their grip. I thanked the darkness for whatever gift it had been bringing, and went to sleep with a smile on my face. After a night of the most amazing dreams, I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of energy and life.

Things have shifted. I have grown once again. And I am ready for the next leg of my adventure.

Today I have had some wonderful conversations, some 'out of the blue' contacts, and some pieces of very positive news. Oh, and today, by the way, is also the day that finally finally the paperback version of my book is available worldwide through Amazon. Coincidences? Well... you know my thoughts on those ;-)

Bring it on - I've just stepped up another gear. I am peaceful, I am free, and I am ready for the new day.

And We Call This Humanity?

Crikey, I've been having a funny old time of it recently, I can assure you! Mum would always ask me to qualify that kind of statement with the question "Funny ha-ha or funny peculiar?" and the truth is that this time it's been a pretty equal mix of both. So I'll stick with what I just said, yep it sure has been a funny old time...

You'll probably already have gathered from my last post that my roller-coaster life has once again kicked up a gear - and with that of course has come a few surprises. After my story appeared in the Daily Mail, I have been inundated with messages; from people thanking me for sharing my story as well as from media people keen to interview me. All good stuff, all confirmation that I'm doing the right thing, and all helping to raise awareness of my message that we all have the power within us to overcome adversity.

During this process, though, I have once again come up against one of my old adversaries. A part of society that plays a necessary role in protecting the innocent - but that also, in my experience, has also become part of the circus that unwittingly continues to support the less than innocent in their antics. What am I referring to? I am talking about the libel laws and their professional representatives. More of that in a moment.

Firstly, though, I am keen to highlight what I believe to be the media's misplaced thirst for selling bad news and discord. For those of you that have followed my story, you will already know that I am all about giving people hope, together with the necessary tools, to break free from being a victim (in any way) and to live life in freedom, choice and light. I know from experience that whatever life decides to throw our way, there is always something we can do to reclaim our freedom. There is always always something that is within our control - even if, as has certainly been the case for me in the past, it felt as if the only thing that I could control was my breathing. My message is about noticing and grabbing hold of anything and everything that allows us to regain our personal power - every tiny step is a step forward - until we are free from whatever chains (real or imaginary) that threaten to keep us prisoner.

You'd think, therefore, that perhaps I have some strong positive messages to share with people, that might actually serve to bring a little positivity in this increasingly confused world we live in? You might also think that publications with the power to reach millions would be interested in promoting such stories of hope? Hmmm... I thought the same. But it appears that instead of that, most of the publications that have approached me are only interested in the headline grabber. They want to focus on the 'poor woman duped by a sociopath' - and nothing else. Take the Daily Mail, who dictated how I should look (clothes, makeup, hair, pose, expression) to sell their story. They didn't want a photograph that shows the vivacious, positive person that I believe I am. Nope, I had to look severe, serious and (in my opinion) downright frumpy. Is it any wonder that the piece received a number of 'it serves her right she looks like a moose' type of comments?

I can ride those kind of storms - of course I can. There are always people who revel in making judgemental and negative comments. Sadly there seems to be a growing culture of cyber bullying and vile comments posted by a small minority. But that's not the point. I believe that we have a bigger issue. I believe that by consistently focusing on the 'bad news' we are only encouraging the baying mob and in the process we are in the process of dehumanising ourselves. I've seen it time and time again in my professional life - working with people who are either too afraid to speak out against wrong-doings, or who simply can't be bothered. "What's the point?" is, sadly, a phrase I have heard far too often for my liking.

So back to the libel lawyers. Those who know me well are already fully aware of the absurd battle I faced in even getting my book to publication. The details of which are far too complicated to write about here in a blog, so they are going to form a large part of my next book. The series of unbelievable events I went through are enough to make anyone's teeth curl! (Another wonderfully colourful expression my mother used on many an occasion). Suffice it to say that I have learned a huge amount about what can and can't be said. What can and can't be expressed. And how the most important thing is to make sure backsides are covered - instead of focusing on supporting those of us who have been through the ringer to get a real message of hope out there. It's skewed, to say the least!

But that's ok. I worked with these laws to get my story published - as I have said in the preface to my book:

"I am an ordinary woman who has faced a series of extraordinary circumstances to become the person I am today. Privacy laws dictate that I cannot divulge identifiable details about many of the people and situations that caused me so much pain. It’s a law that exists to protect the innocent, even though many of the people I’ve come across have, in my opinion, been far from innocent in their actions. That law, paradoxically, has actually worked in my favour while writing this book because this is not about ‘them’. In truth, it never has been; it’s about me. This is my story."

So I've done the hoop-jumping, and I've played my part. I have black and white evidence to support everything I've written about. I have witness statements and more. I've changed names, places and details so that people cannot be identified. And as I said, that's ok, it's more than ok in actual fact.

So last week, when I was contacted by a well-known morning TV programme inviting me to appear on their show to talk about my experiences, I welcomed the invitation with open arms. I was well aware that they'd want to focus on the tabloid headline grabber (that was inevitable) and I knew that once I was given air space I could work on getting the bigger message across to the audience. So I started talks with the programme producers. I supplied all the supporting evidence I had collected during my publishing journey. I explained the steps I'd taken to protect privacy. And I agreed to go in with their headlines. But that wasn't enough.

Ofcom rules dictated that they had to get a 'right to reply' from the people I was talking about - which meant making direct contact and asking for comments. Now, I understand the need for Ofcom's rules - of course I do. But in this particular case it seems crazy to me on so many counts. Not least of which is the fact that, having done so much to mask identities,  it would have meant divulging real names and locations to a bunch of strangers... how could I be sure that these details would remain confidential? (Not such a strange question to ask once you understand my previous experiences with another libel lawyer...) The main sticking point though, for me, was that I was once again being asked to put myself at the mercy of a disordered person. Someone who had already very nearly claimed my sanity with his lies, leaving me in a situation from which I had successfully fought so hard to escape. I was not about to give anyone that kind of power over me - not then, not now, and not ever again!

So politely, and firmly I declined the invitation, making this point at the same time: "... It's a shame that the 'rights' of someone who is clearly disordered takes precedent over sharing truths that help so many other people..."

And I felt pleased. I chose to step away from something that would have not only compromised my position (and that of others) but also given me a voice only on the condition that I talk about the headline grabbers rather than the bigger story. I had already been told "we only want to talk to you about the sociopath, nothing else..."

That same day, walking through the train station after a late evening meeting in London, I saw a young woman sitting and crying on her own on one of the benches. It was gone midnight, and there were very few people there - apart from a few policemen who were gathered at the ticket barrier - but I was astounded that nobody seemed to be helping her. So I went up and asked her if she was ok? Of course she wasn't, and as she shook her head, her face crumpled and her eyes filled with tears. I sat down next to her and held her hand as she explained what had happened.

She told me that she'd missed the last train to London by two minutes, and even though the train had been at the station, she had not been allowed to go through the barriers. She knew nobody locally, and was facing the prospect of spending the night in the train station. Hearing her story and seeing the policemen nearby, I went up to them to ask for their help. They'd been watching me all the while. Guess what they did as I came close to them?

They bristled, pulled themselves upright and shoved their hands in their pockets while the cold expressions on their faces gave me the clear message that I was to back off. You know, I actually felt I'd done something wrong! It's a darned good job that I am a trained communicator, because it took all my skills to crack through those defence barriers. They told me that they had it in hand, that the young lady was 'a mess' and was 'inconsolable' - rolling their eyes as if to say 'you see what we have to put up with?' My blood boiled but I kept calm. It turned out that they were waiting to hear whether they could get her on the last staff train home. But they hadn't told her that. And when I asked what could be done to make her wait more comfortable, they shrugged their shoulders, with another rolling of eyes, and told me that there was nowhere warm she could wait.

After making sure that they would indeed keep her up to speed with what they were doing, and would keep an eye on her while she was waiting, I made my way back to her and put my arms around her (making sure, of course, that the policemen saw what I was doing). I reassured her that they were doing all they could to get her home and that she was going to be ok. I then helped her do up her coat and put her hood up so that at least she would be warmer. I stayed with her until the tears stopped and she let me know she was confident that she was being looked after. Looking over at the policemen, I made sure they acknowledged me with nods and reluctant smiles.

So why couldn't these policemen have offered this vulnerable girl just some simple human kindness in the first place? Have they perhaps become so used to people attacking them that their automatic response is just to stay away? Was that why they all bristled when I went up to speak to them...? Or perhaps they've just joined the 'what's the point' brigade that is threatening to drown our system of humanity. Have we become so trapped by our rules, following blindly without checking the results or even questioning why they are there? Are we becoming that robotic in the way we lead our lives that we've become immune to what's really happening?

I don't know. But as I walked away from that young lady, knowing that at least I had done all that I could, I felt even more certain that I'd done the correct thing in turning down the barbed TV invitation. It's a sad state of affairs when it seems fear and separation is seeping in to our society - but it's not too late to do something about it.

I for one am absolutely determined to do all I can to stand up, speak out, and jolly well wake people up to the reality that we CAN make a difference. It doesn't take much. Just an honest reality check and a small amount of courage to shift the way we respond.

I am on the case and fired up. Watch this space my friends, watch this space.

The Right Place

Wow...! What an astonishing few days... and what an astonishing change from where I've been eh? Regular readers will know that I have often turned to songs and music to help get me through some of the tougher times. One of my old favourites was Eddie Reader's "The Right Place" - in fact I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in a much earlier blog post. Well there have been many times that this song has been a mantra for positive growth, rather than an acknowledgement of the truth.

Hey, ain't that all changed around now - and how! Just last week I was interviewed by a lovely reporter called Amanda Cable. It was a telephone interview for the Daily Mail, and the very next day they sent photographer Ben Lister and make-up artist Alice Theobald to my home in France for a (very specifically styled) photo shoot. Incredibly, the piece was then posted in the paper on Monday morning - it all happened so quickly there was barely time to take a breath! I know that the Mail Online (love it or hate it) is one of the most popular sites on the worldwide web, so I was expecting some responses. But goodness me, nothing but NOTHING could have prepared me for what has been happening!

With 830 comments, 100 Tweets and 1,100 Likes so far, it has attracted an unprecedented response. I am told they were expecting around 50 comments... And I have been inundated with messages from people all over the world thanking me for telling my story and helping them to make sense of similar situations. Some of the messages have quite literally brought me to tears - for example this beautiful email here:

I read your article today. I'm only 17 and never knew such thing existed. my exboyfriend showed almost all the signs of a sociopath!!... thank you soo much for sharing your experience you really have made me soo happy knowing its not my fault! ... I have finally after two months been able to let go and move on! thank you soo soo much! I almost cried with happiness this morning knowing I'm not the only one! And now everything he did makes sense! 

How amazing is that? Just by sharing my experiences, a young girl has found out early on how to spot the signs. She knows. And now she can look forward to enjoying her life without any fear of being trapped or duped again. 

Her wonderful email is just one from the many I've been receiving. I can't begin to put in to words the feelings of joy and gratitude that well up inside me knowing that I am making a difference. And it just makes everything I have gone through worthwhile, because it gives me a reason. As I said to a friend a few days ago, I have shed many many tears over my lifetime. Now, with each new confirmation that I am doing something to help people in a positive way, it turns a tear from the past in to a pearl of the present. I am feeling, quite literally, showered with blessings. It's wonderful. And I am grateful.... for everything. Yes, everything.

Along with the great stuff, of course, I know there are a number of less than kind comments that have been left by people who have read (or skimmed) the article. I was warned to expect that. And I have deliberately not even bothered reading them. Why? Is it because I'm scared? Nope. It's because there's no longer any need for me to 'fight' or justify who I am or what I'm doing. I've overcome so much, and come through smiling - so reading a few misguided comments will do nothing to serve me. It's not worth the fight and I'm quite simply not going there. Because nothing and nobody can push me off-course now. 

I am on a mission you see. A determined and focused mission to share all the tools and techniques I have learned over the years with as wide an audience as I possibly can... Not just the men and women like me who have been targeted. No, this is a set of tools that can be used in all walks of life. Corporate, consumer, young and old. I have a wonderful team of people working with me on this and the finishing touches are coming together even as I'm writing this post.

And at the same time the media circus is gathering momentum around me - so I am being given the opportunity to share my story in more ways that I could have imagined. Watch this space... 

Both my parents used to regularly say "the world is your oyster" and you know what? I believed them then (which is partly how I survived) and I believe them now - and each time another tear turns in to a pearl, well, I give thanks for their wisdom and love. They may not have been with me very long, but they sure did prepare me well.

So now? Today? I know I am absolutely in the right place. I'm excited. I'm determined. I'm ready. And I'm fizzly.... oh boy am I fizzly.... BRING IT ON!!!