Four Years On...

Today is Thursday 23^rd April 2013. I am relaxing with a cup of coffee at Limoges airport in France, sipping a café crème while I wait for my plane to arrive. I'm feeling excited about the coming two weeks in the UK, and am also taking this opportunity to give myself a big smile and a massive pat on the back. It’s only now, looking back with clear vision, that I can begin to fully comprehend exactly what I’ve achieved over the past few years – and I am filled with pride and love for myself. Does that sound boastful? Well, perhaps taken as a stand-alone statement I suppose it could indeed appear a little as though I’m blowing my own trumpet – although I still maintain there’s actually nothing wrong in that… but I digress. The recognition of exactly who I am and where I am, for me, feels like a huge release. A sense of lightness. Of freedom. And of peace. Because not so long ago it was a very different story…

Four years ago to this day I was also at an airport. It was Angouleme airport, and I was there with my son. It was the day after the evening when I had uncovered all the sordid, sickening details of the life my husband had been leading behind my back. The night before I had finally fallen in to bed, exhausted, sobbed out and totally empty (apart from the good few slugs of brandy I had downed). The next morning, four years ago today, I faced the toughest challenge that has ever been put in front of me. Because I knew I had to tell my son Dylan what had happened. That everything we knew had suddenly changed beyond comprehension... and I knew it would break his heart. It was beyond excruciating, because I already knew the pain that my words were about to cause the most precious person in my life. To this day I remember his innocent little face crumpling in agony as the dreadful truth sank in… heaven forbid that I ever have to witness anything like that ever again.

Four years ago, we were clinging to each other at the airport, broken hearted and numb with shock, glad to be  flying to be with people who love us (Dylan was going to stay with his father, and me with my sister) and at the same time facing a terrifyingly uncertain future.

To be honest, looking back over those early days and weeks, I really don’t know how I got through – well actually, yes, of course I do… but I sometimes wonder, had I known in the early days just how long the war was going to be, and how much tougher the battles would become as time marched on, well... perhaps I might not have continued with quite such determined force. But I didn't know, and I did battle on - and thank goodness  for that. Because now life couldn't be more different...

Now… Aaahhhh.... NOW…. Well, I can honestly look back over it all and feel glad and proud. Glad that it’s over, and proud at what I’ve achieved in a remarkably short period of time. Because today I am sitting here full of wonderment and excitement – about today and about the future.  Today I am prepared for a two-week trip to the UK that promises to produce yet more opportunities and adventures – and Dylan is at university in Bordeaux successfully finishing his end of first year exams. Incredible! We spoke on the phone last night, both of us remembering the road we'd travelled - how far we'd journeyed and where we'd got to....  

Things have of course become steadily better... and since the end of last year, my life has taken extraordinary leaps forward, in just about every way conceivable - and the hits keep on coming! I have published my first book; I am surrounded by an amazing team of people - both personally and professionally; I am contracted to appear in a movie along side such self-development luminaries as Brian Tracy and Don Miguel Ruiz; oh, and I am also just about to launch an ‘inside-out’ training programme that is destined to have a major impact in the way we do things, both in the corporate world and in ‘Life plc’… Talk about feeling fizzly - this is more of a full-blown supernova! (Wikipedia's description: "a star that suddenly increases greatly in brightness because of a catastrophic explosion that ejects most of its mass" - ha, well I couldn't have put it better myself, perhaps apart from changing 'mass' to 'mess'!) 

So how have all these shifts come about? Well, even while I was still fighting my battles and claiming my victories, even while I was still exhausted and wondering where I'd find my next burst of energy, I heard it said by a few people that “you are so strong, you always pick yourself up, it’s just who you are …” and on many occasions I felt somewhat peeved. Didn’t people realize just how bloody hard I’d worked to get through challenge after challenge - not just now but in my early years? Couldn’t they see that it’s not simply a question of “it’s alright for you…” it's so much more than that? Couldn't they jolly well see that I've been in training over many years to be able to get through this particular nightmare for goodness sake? And then all of a sudden it dawned on me that perhaps they couldn't see that at all... and I went quiet. 

And then I got to thinking. … Hmmmm…. OK, yes, I am strong and yes I always pick myself up - but was that nature, nurture or something else? Round and round the questions went while I explored reasons and theories (as many of my closest friends will witness!) until I became absolutely certain beyond any doubt that in actual fact there is nothing ‘special’ about me at all…. By which I mean no more ‘special’ than anyone else here on this planet. 

Because I came to understand that in actual fact, over the years I had been learning, checking and fine-tuning a set of skills that got me through the shifting sands of my experiences - so yes, it was indeed "just who I was" but I had become that way through a set of testing situations. I had learned how to be flexible. I had learned about responsibility. I had learned to ask the questions and not take 'no' for an answer. And above all, I learned about courage. I honestly believe looking back, that it was only once I'd successfully fought (and won) so many battles, that I knew I finally had the courage to go within and do the real work. To find out and connect with who I really am - because it was then that I finally 'got it'... 

I remember when it happened, because I wrote about it here in this blog. It was June 2010 and I remember feeling terrified as I came to understand that this sense of 'no way back' was upon me...! I also remember that once I actually 'got there' and found myself - well, there was really nothing at all to be frightened of - quite the opposite in actual fact. Because from there, things really started shifting and getting better. And as I got to understand what had happened on a 'soul' level, I began to realise that being so previously 'disconnected' with myself had caused me no end of difficulties. 

As I began to truly grasp the meaning of this, I started to understand that this is something that we all do in some way shape or form. And I became fascinated with the idea that perhaps I could find a way to guide others to do what I had done and clear whatever obstacles or challenges they were facing... eventually I succeeded, and it worked. Each time I felt the compulsion to 'go for it' in coaching sessions, I just seemed to be able to hit the spot - no matter the person or the situation. People would call what I did 'Mel magic' and I really did begin to wonder (and worry!) whether it was something that perhaps only I could do because of the trials I'd faced and overcome?  

To my absolute delight, in recent weeks I have come to absolutely know beyond any question, that the technique I have developed can be trained and repeated by other people. Simply put, it is a process that guides people to 'light up' from within, and by doing so create the life of their dreams. This methodology has recently become a brand. And this brand has become a product that (together with the fabulous people who have gathered together to create the key team) I'm now ready and able to launch to the corporate market as well as to "Life plc".

Very soon there will be a website and more to explain exactly what this programme is and how it is going to work. Until then, just ponder this... if I can deal with all the stuff life has dealt, and successfully turn my life around in the way I have... and if the techniques I used are now transferable through a specific training methodology... and if the approach for this training methodology can also be adapted to fit not just the corporate world, but also schools, parents, teachers, groups - people just like you and me - just begin to imagine now what this could bring to others... and ultimately to the world we live in... Are you feeling fizzly yet...?

What a difference four years makes eh? Thank you :-) 

The Darkest Hour Is The One Before Dawn

Phewy... and.... breathe.... Over the past few days I've been feeling somewhat 'stuck' and blocked. I know, it happens to all of us every now and again. Recent weeks have brought such a buzzing roller-coaster of experiences that I'd forgotten how much the 'darkness' can feel so overwhelming when it arrives. I guess like so many others, I can be prone to periods where I lack energy and motivation, where it seems (emphasis on 'seems') that all is about to be lost and nothing is moving forward. I have referred to these moments before as the 'blip' times and I accepted long ago that whenever things become uncomfortable or unsettling it always signifies a period of growth and adjustment. I know for a fact that it heralds the start of something new, and that always (and in all ways) it is a good thing. But crikey, it can still be tricky when I'm in the thick of it!

This particular dark phase hasn't lasted very long. It's been a powerful one though, prompting me to once again bring in to play the skills I've been fine-tuning for so many years. I learned long ago not to fight whatever feelings I may be experiencing - just as I've also learned that the 'trick' to this is to just go with the flow, allowing whatever feelings to arise, without any judgement or blame. Whatever is going on is just an expression of who I am - and since I have finally learned to love who I am... well, then it stands to reason that there simply can't be any criticism, right? And so it has been that from that place of love, I have watched myself over the past few days as I've slumped around the house, feeling tired and lethargic, and prone to tears for no apparent reason. And at the same time I have loved myself for being that way, knowing that given time, patience and kindness I would come out the other side even brighter than before.

I guess it's part of nature's cycle - and there is no point arguing with that! Things die away to make room for new growth, and I suppose it's natural to feel a sense of mourning through the process. "This too will pass" is a phrase that has been running through my head, as I've continued to smile at myself in the mirror and give myself comforting 'mental hugs'. And you know what? Daft though it may perhaps seem, I can honestly say that this last dark period has been one that I actually learned to enjoy...! It doesn't mean I'd like to feel that way more of the time, it just means that this time it posed no real threat to me. Before, I would have been afraid. Before, I would have been worried that perhaps I was doing something wrong. Before, I would have been so focused on fighting 'what is' that I'd actually have prolonged the agony!

This time, though, I knew for sure that whatever was happening would pass. I remembered that there is a gift in every experience, and that however I might reappear the other side I would be brighter and stronger. Another of my favourite sayings is "the darkest hour is the one before dawn" so this time I chose to embrace the darkness, taking myself off to bed when I felt tired, and crying whenever I felt like it.

Last night, just after midnight, I felt the darkness lifting. And I rejoiced, knowing for certain that whatever blocks had been there were loosening their grip. I thanked the darkness for whatever gift it had been bringing, and went to sleep with a smile on my face. After a night of the most amazing dreams, I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of energy and life.

Things have shifted. I have grown once again. And I am ready for the next leg of my adventure.

Today I have had some wonderful conversations, some 'out of the blue' contacts, and some pieces of very positive news. Oh, and today, by the way, is also the day that finally finally the paperback version of my book is available worldwide through Amazon. Coincidences? Well... you know my thoughts on those ;-)

Bring it on - I've just stepped up another gear. I am peaceful, I am free, and I am ready for the new day.

And We Call This Humanity?

Crikey, I've been having a funny old time of it recently, I can assure you! Mum would always ask me to qualify that kind of statement with the question "Funny ha-ha or funny peculiar?" and the truth is that this time it's been a pretty equal mix of both. So I'll stick with what I just said, yep it sure has been a funny old time...

You'll probably already have gathered from my last post that my roller-coaster life has once again kicked up a gear - and with that of course has come a few surprises. After my story appeared in the Daily Mail, I have been inundated with messages; from people thanking me for sharing my story as well as from media people keen to interview me. All good stuff, all confirmation that I'm doing the right thing, and all helping to raise awareness of my message that we all have the power within us to overcome adversity.

During this process, though, I have once again come up against one of my old adversaries. A part of society that plays a necessary role in protecting the innocent - but that also, in my experience, has also become part of the circus that unwittingly continues to support the less than innocent in their antics. What am I referring to? I am talking about the libel laws and their professional representatives. More of that in a moment.

Firstly, though, I am keen to highlight what I believe to be the media's misplaced thirst for selling bad news and discord. For those of you that have followed my story, you will already know that I am all about giving people hope, together with the necessary tools, to break free from being a victim (in any way) and to live life in freedom, choice and light. I know from experience that whatever life decides to throw our way, there is always something we can do to reclaim our freedom. There is always always something that is within our control - even if, as has certainly been the case for me in the past, it felt as if the only thing that I could control was my breathing. My message is about noticing and grabbing hold of anything and everything that allows us to regain our personal power - every tiny step is a step forward - until we are free from whatever chains (real or imaginary) that threaten to keep us prisoner.

You'd think, therefore, that perhaps I have some strong positive messages to share with people, that might actually serve to bring a little positivity in this increasingly confused world we live in? You might also think that publications with the power to reach millions would be interested in promoting such stories of hope? Hmmm... I thought the same. But it appears that instead of that, most of the publications that have approached me are only interested in the headline grabber. They want to focus on the 'poor woman duped by a sociopath' - and nothing else. Take the Daily Mail, who dictated how I should look (clothes, makeup, hair, pose, expression) to sell their story. They didn't want a photograph that shows the vivacious, positive person that I believe I am. Nope, I had to look severe, serious and (in my opinion) downright frumpy. Is it any wonder that the piece received a number of 'it serves her right she looks like a moose' type of comments?

I can ride those kind of storms - of course I can. There are always people who revel in making judgemental and negative comments. Sadly there seems to be a growing culture of cyber bullying and vile comments posted by a small minority. But that's not the point. I believe that we have a bigger issue. I believe that by consistently focusing on the 'bad news' we are only encouraging the baying mob and in the process we are in the process of dehumanising ourselves. I've seen it time and time again in my professional life - working with people who are either too afraid to speak out against wrong-doings, or who simply can't be bothered. "What's the point?" is, sadly, a phrase I have heard far too often for my liking.

So back to the libel lawyers. Those who know me well are already fully aware of the absurd battle I faced in even getting my book to publication. The details of which are far too complicated to write about here in a blog, so they are going to form a large part of my next book. The series of unbelievable events I went through are enough to make anyone's teeth curl! (Another wonderfully colourful expression my mother used on many an occasion). Suffice it to say that I have learned a huge amount about what can and can't be said. What can and can't be expressed. And how the most important thing is to make sure backsides are covered - instead of focusing on supporting those of us who have been through the ringer to get a real message of hope out there. It's skewed, to say the least!

But that's ok. I worked with these laws to get my story published - as I have said in the preface to my book:

"I am an ordinary woman who has faced a series of extraordinary circumstances to become the person I am today. Privacy laws dictate that I cannot divulge identifiable details about many of the people and situations that caused me so much pain. It’s a law that exists to protect the innocent, even though many of the people I’ve come across have, in my opinion, been far from innocent in their actions. That law, paradoxically, has actually worked in my favour while writing this book because this is not about ‘them’. In truth, it never has been; it’s about me. This is my story."

So I've done the hoop-jumping, and I've played my part. I have black and white evidence to support everything I've written about. I have witness statements and more. I've changed names, places and details so that people cannot be identified. And as I said, that's ok, it's more than ok in actual fact.

So last week, when I was contacted by a well-known morning TV programme inviting me to appear on their show to talk about my experiences, I welcomed the invitation with open arms. I was well aware that they'd want to focus on the tabloid headline grabber (that was inevitable) and I knew that once I was given air space I could work on getting the bigger message across to the audience. So I started talks with the programme producers. I supplied all the supporting evidence I had collected during my publishing journey. I explained the steps I'd taken to protect privacy. And I agreed to go in with their headlines. But that wasn't enough.

Ofcom rules dictated that they had to get a 'right to reply' from the people I was talking about - which meant making direct contact and asking for comments. Now, I understand the need for Ofcom's rules - of course I do. But in this particular case it seems crazy to me on so many counts. Not least of which is the fact that, having done so much to mask identities,  it would have meant divulging real names and locations to a bunch of strangers... how could I be sure that these details would remain confidential? (Not such a strange question to ask once you understand my previous experiences with another libel lawyer...) The main sticking point though, for me, was that I was once again being asked to put myself at the mercy of a disordered person. Someone who had already very nearly claimed my sanity with his lies, leaving me in a situation from which I had successfully fought so hard to escape. I was not about to give anyone that kind of power over me - not then, not now, and not ever again!

So politely, and firmly I declined the invitation, making this point at the same time: "... It's a shame that the 'rights' of someone who is clearly disordered takes precedent over sharing truths that help so many other people..."

And I felt pleased. I chose to step away from something that would have not only compromised my position (and that of others) but also given me a voice only on the condition that I talk about the headline grabbers rather than the bigger story. I had already been told "we only want to talk to you about the sociopath, nothing else..."

That same day, walking through the train station after a late evening meeting in London, I saw a young woman sitting and crying on her own on one of the benches. It was gone midnight, and there were very few people there - apart from a few policemen who were gathered at the ticket barrier - but I was astounded that nobody seemed to be helping her. So I went up and asked her if she was ok? Of course she wasn't, and as she shook her head, her face crumpled and her eyes filled with tears. I sat down next to her and held her hand as she explained what had happened.

She told me that she'd missed the last train to London by two minutes, and even though the train had been at the station, she had not been allowed to go through the barriers. She knew nobody locally, and was facing the prospect of spending the night in the train station. Hearing her story and seeing the policemen nearby, I went up to them to ask for their help. They'd been watching me all the while. Guess what they did as I came close to them?

They bristled, pulled themselves upright and shoved their hands in their pockets while the cold expressions on their faces gave me the clear message that I was to back off. You know, I actually felt I'd done something wrong! It's a darned good job that I am a trained communicator, because it took all my skills to crack through those defence barriers. They told me that they had it in hand, that the young lady was 'a mess' and was 'inconsolable' - rolling their eyes as if to say 'you see what we have to put up with?' My blood boiled but I kept calm. It turned out that they were waiting to hear whether they could get her on the last staff train home. But they hadn't told her that. And when I asked what could be done to make her wait more comfortable, they shrugged their shoulders, with another rolling of eyes, and told me that there was nowhere warm she could wait.

After making sure that they would indeed keep her up to speed with what they were doing, and would keep an eye on her while she was waiting, I made my way back to her and put my arms around her (making sure, of course, that the policemen saw what I was doing). I reassured her that they were doing all they could to get her home and that she was going to be ok. I then helped her do up her coat and put her hood up so that at least she would be warmer. I stayed with her until the tears stopped and she let me know she was confident that she was being looked after. Looking over at the policemen, I made sure they acknowledged me with nods and reluctant smiles.

So why couldn't these policemen have offered this vulnerable girl just some simple human kindness in the first place? Have they perhaps become so used to people attacking them that their automatic response is just to stay away? Was that why they all bristled when I went up to speak to them...? Or perhaps they've just joined the 'what's the point' brigade that is threatening to drown our system of humanity. Have we become so trapped by our rules, following blindly without checking the results or even questioning why they are there? Are we becoming that robotic in the way we lead our lives that we've become immune to what's really happening?

I don't know. But as I walked away from that young lady, knowing that at least I had done all that I could, I felt even more certain that I'd done the correct thing in turning down the barbed TV invitation. It's a sad state of affairs when it seems fear and separation is seeping in to our society - but it's not too late to do something about it.

I for one am absolutely determined to do all I can to stand up, speak out, and jolly well wake people up to the reality that we CAN make a difference. It doesn't take much. Just an honest reality check and a small amount of courage to shift the way we respond.

I am on the case and fired up. Watch this space my friends, watch this space.

The Right Place

Wow...! What an astonishing few days... and what an astonishing change from where I've been eh? Regular readers will know that I have often turned to songs and music to help get me through some of the tougher times. One of my old favourites was Eddie Reader's "The Right Place" - in fact I'm pretty sure I mentioned it in a much earlier blog post. Well there have been many times that this song has been a mantra for positive growth, rather than an acknowledgement of the truth.

Hey, ain't that all changed around now - and how! Just last week I was interviewed by a lovely reporter called Amanda Cable. It was a telephone interview for the Daily Mail, and the very next day they sent photographer Ben Lister and make-up artist Alice Theobald to my home in France for a (very specifically styled) photo shoot. Incredibly, the piece was then posted in the paper on Monday morning - it all happened so quickly there was barely time to take a breath! I know that the Mail Online (love it or hate it) is one of the most popular sites on the worldwide web, so I was expecting some responses. But goodness me, nothing but NOTHING could have prepared me for what has been happening!

With 830 comments, 100 Tweets and 1,100 Likes so far, it has attracted an unprecedented response. I am told they were expecting around 50 comments... And I have been inundated with messages from people all over the world thanking me for telling my story and helping them to make sense of similar situations. Some of the messages have quite literally brought me to tears - for example this beautiful email here:

I read your article today. I'm only 17 and never knew such thing existed. my exboyfriend showed almost all the signs of a sociopath!!... thank you soo much for sharing your experience you really have made me soo happy knowing its not my fault! ... I have finally after two months been able to let go and move on! thank you soo soo much! I almost cried with happiness this morning knowing I'm not the only one! And now everything he did makes sense! 

How amazing is that? Just by sharing my experiences, a young girl has found out early on how to spot the signs. She knows. And now she can look forward to enjoying her life without any fear of being trapped or duped again. 

Her wonderful email is just one from the many I've been receiving. I can't begin to put in to words the feelings of joy and gratitude that well up inside me knowing that I am making a difference. And it just makes everything I have gone through worthwhile, because it gives me a reason. As I said to a friend a few days ago, I have shed many many tears over my lifetime. Now, with each new confirmation that I am doing something to help people in a positive way, it turns a tear from the past in to a pearl of the present. I am feeling, quite literally, showered with blessings. It's wonderful. And I am grateful.... for everything. Yes, everything.

Along with the great stuff, of course, I know there are a number of less than kind comments that have been left by people who have read (or skimmed) the article. I was warned to expect that. And I have deliberately not even bothered reading them. Why? Is it because I'm scared? Nope. It's because there's no longer any need for me to 'fight' or justify who I am or what I'm doing. I've overcome so much, and come through smiling - so reading a few misguided comments will do nothing to serve me. It's not worth the fight and I'm quite simply not going there. Because nothing and nobody can push me off-course now. 

I am on a mission you see. A determined and focused mission to share all the tools and techniques I have learned over the years with as wide an audience as I possibly can... Not just the men and women like me who have been targeted. No, this is a set of tools that can be used in all walks of life. Corporate, consumer, young and old. I have a wonderful team of people working with me on this and the finishing touches are coming together even as I'm writing this post.

And at the same time the media circus is gathering momentum around me - so I am being given the opportunity to share my story in more ways that I could have imagined. Watch this space... 

Both my parents used to regularly say "the world is your oyster" and you know what? I believed them then (which is partly how I survived) and I believe them now - and each time another tear turns in to a pearl, well, I give thanks for their wisdom and love. They may not have been with me very long, but they sure did prepare me well.

So now? Today? I know I am absolutely in the right place. I'm excited. I'm determined. I'm ready. And I'm fizzly.... oh boy am I fizzly.... BRING IT ON!!! 

It's all PR to Me...

Goodness - talk about feeling fizzly...! I am walking a new pathway now, and life is continuing to expand in the most delicious and exciting ways. It's now coming up to four years since my life collapsed around me. The dust and rubble has now cleared, and in it's place I am truly living a life full of joy and happy expectations. The surprises are still there, for sure - but whereas I had been used to scary or dangerous surprises, it seems I am now surrounded by good ones. Some of them so good that I am literally pinching myself to make sure it's not a dream! More of that when I can give details...

In the meantime, I am beginning to learn about the power of PR. I have met some extraordinary people who are continuing to help me to get my message out there - it's a whole new science, and I am loving being a student. I now have an active Twitter account and Facebook page (thank you to Rachel and her lovely team at Au Fait Marketing) as well as LinkedIn, this blog and personal pages that I've had for a long time. I am receiving messages from people all over the world - making new connections, sharing ideas, and pooling resources. It's really quite amazing!

And you know what I'm also coming to realise...? Is that it was my own inner PR work (the skills and techniques that I used for myself, and that I train to others) that brought me to this place. I kept on telling myself the story as I chose it to be - rather than the nightmare that had appeared in front of me. I would share my dreams with others. I would share my ups and downs along the way - much of it through this very blog, as well as in conversations with friends. And you know what? It jolly well worked. It worked for me back then, and it's working again for me now. This time, though, the PR is not to myself to get myself through trauma. No, this time the PR is to help get the messages out to others, with the dream that my story will help others to come through their own challenges.

As a result of today's PR work - (together with the constantly strengthening relationships with existing friends - I never knew life could continue to grow so much!) I am continually inspired, prodded, lifted and generally 'steered' in the right direction by people who share similar dreams and passions. It's deliciously exciting...

All this is happening NOW, and the paperback version of my book isn't even out yet...!

Just today I have had an interview published in Female First, and there are plenty more on the way. The book though, as I have said for a long time, is just the start. It's the platform. And very soon my dear friends, I will have so much more to share with you all.

It seems I am indeed learning the previously elusive quality of patience - because while part of me is bursting to spill the beans, I know that there is more crafting to be done. So I'm happily biding my time, knowing (finally, surely, and for certain) that all things happen at the right time, and for my highest possible good. I am indeed guided, and I am indeed blessed - it may have taken me more than four decades to learn this, but crikey it has been worth it..!!

BRING IT ON...!!!! :-)

Meantime, here is the interview as it appears on Female First

14 March 2013

What can you tell us about your new book I'm Still Standing?

It is often said that true life can often be stranger than fiction… I’ve been told that this is certainly the case for me! Since I was a child, my life has been peppered with a series of life-changing events, starting with the sudden death of my father when I was four years old, catapulting me in to a different world. My mother died equally suddenly when I was 16 and my sister 11 – my world changed again, and once again I had to learn to adapt to a whole new set of rules in order to survive. But that was just the beginning!

You might think that the death of both parents would be enough for anyone to deal with, but for some reason the ‘hits’ kept coming – and I kept adapting as a result.

The most recent (and arguably most traumatic) shock came in 2009 when I discovered that the husband I called my soul mate had betrayed me in the most terrible ways. This last trauma just about destroyed me, and it was then that I fell back on all the life-skills I’d fine-tuned since early childhood – together with all the career and personal development training I’d learned (and taught) over the years.

The book is my story of how I have succeeded in overcoming adversity time and time again; my message is that if I can come through – not just surviving, but thriving – then so can others.

You are the founder of a successful leadership development company; tell us a little bit about it.

Sure. Professionally I work as a leadership and change development coach, helping business leaders and their teams to achieve their best potential. My company is called The Top Banana Bunch (www.thetopbananabunch.com) and I absolutely love what I do because I am driven to help others succeed, particularly through tough times and change. No surprise, really, bearing in mind my personal experiences!

All of us ‘Top Bananas’ are equally passionate about what we do and continue to gain enormous satisfaction each time we make a difference. Running by the ethos of ‘rigid flexibility’ we are all totally committed to getting the best results for our clients which, I am sure, is why we are so successful.

Your blog was the inspiration behind the book, so tell us about the blog in its early stages.

Yes you’re right – it all started with the blog! It was just a few weeks since the evening I’d discovered the truth about my husband, and although I was putting on a brave face at the time, I was in emotional turmoil trying to make sense of the living nightmare that my life had suddenly become. I happened to meet a very wise lady (who has since become one of my closest friends) who had previously worked as a counselor, and who had also been married to a sociopath – both facts unknown to me at the start. She advised me to ‘just write it all out Mel. Don’t edit and don’t judge. Just write it out and eventually it will make sense’ – and so I did.

Rather than using paper and pen, I decided to keep an online diary. It was private. It was for me. And it was where I slowly learned to pour out the pain in my heart and soul. After a while I invited a few friends to read it – mainly just to help explain where I was at, rather than continually repeating the craziness of my situation.

So eventually I took the plunge and made the blog public, quickly attracting readers from around the world, and a continuing stream of encouraging messages as well!Their feedback came as a total surprise to me! Various people explained how, in different ways, my blog posts were helping them to make sense of stuff in their own life – and they encouraged me to share my writing with more people.

After being told time and time again that I should write a book about my experiences, I decided to take the plunge, and I’m Still Standing was born.

How difficult was it to relive your experiences through the blog and the book?

The blog was remarkably easy because it was talking about what was happening in the here and now. Each time I wrote, it was truly cathartic, because I was able to spill out exactly how I was feeling – and through writing it out and then re-reading later on, make more sense of what was happening. Exactly as my dear friend had originally promised!

Writing the book though, was a very different story. I knew that I would need to provide a solid explanation as to how I had come to start writing the blog. So that meant trawling back over childhood memories that I thought had been dealt with and accepted. Boy was I in for a surprise! The process of actually writing it out, and seeing the truth there in black and white stirred a maelstrom of deep and unexpected emotions. I can tell you, there were many times I would be typing furiously as the tears rolled freely down my cheeks.

Through it all, seeing it all there in front of me has provided a further healing process. It has helped me appreciate on an even deeper level how much my sister and I endured as we grew up – I felt angry, I felt sad, I felt hurt, and I felt grief. Over all though, I ended up feeling more love, compassion and appreciation for just how far my journey has taken me since those times.

Tell us about the feedback you have had from the blog.

It has been astonishing, which is why I eventually decided to write the book. These days I am receiving the most amazing feedback from people who have downloaded and read the book – rather than from the blog. Feedback that regularly brings me to tears!

Right from the beginning I set my intention that if my story could help just one other human being make sense of whatever troubles they were facing, then all my own traumas would have been worthwhile. It’s only been a short time since the eBook came out, and the paperback isn’t out until 1^st April – yet I have already been overwhelmed by the personal emails as well as the reviews on Amazon. Just yesterday, for example, I received this message in my inbox:

I am reading your book at the moment and am so moved by it. You are an amazing lady to survive such a nightmare. Your story is giving me the courage and hope to get through my own personal issues. I thank you for writing your story.

Each time I receive words like this, I am warmed to my very soul. I feel deeply privileged to be able to help, and it’s true, it does make everything worthwhile.

What was your biggest high and low during the writing process?

Wow – there have been a few… of both! The biggest low? It was more of an on-going ache when going through the legalities of the publishing process – another story in itself. There were so many delays that at times I felt I was banging my head against a brick wall. But we got there in the end.

I think the biggest high of all has to be the moment when I actually held a copy of my book in my hands. It felt absolutely amazing! Seeing it and feeling it in print, flicking through the pages and smelling the ink was a completely difference experience from reading it on the screen. Suddenly it meant that everything was real, and I’m not ashamed to say that I shed a few tears.

Why was it important to you to share your experiences?

Good question. There are two reasons. The original driver was because I simply had to find a way to make sense of the insane nightmare that had suddenly become my life – which was why I started the blog. As I began to share my soul-searching with others, I slowly came to realise that by explaining my own struggles I was somehow helping others. Eventually that became the overriding reason for writing my story out in a book – the idea that others would be able to identify with different parts of my experiences, and find ways to deal with their own troubles. In the process, of course, it helps me as well because it brings me huge joy to know that I’m making a difference.

What would you say if someone told you that we can only be better people if we have suffered pain?

I would say that’s a sad way of looking at things. First of all, whoever says we need to be ‘better’ in the first place? That, surely, is all part of the judgments we make on each other and ourselves, which only serves to diminish who we are as people. Why not learn to accept and be happy with who we are right here right now?

And no, I don’t believe that pain is a necessary gateway to happiness – there are plenty of people who are happy and contented without having suffered to get there! Having said that, I do also believe that any kind of difficulty can offer a new perspective on life – it’s up to us to choose what that perspective is going to be.

Me? I first chose strength, and then ultimately peace and love. My job now is to accept more of the wonderful stuff in to my life – what a fabulous challenge!

What is a normal day like for you?

To be honest, there’s no such thing as ‘a normal day’ for me at the moment as I seem to be entering in to a whole new world and I’m loving every moment of it! There are times; it’s true, when it feels a little scary, as I often don’t know what’s going to happen from one day to the next. Then again, feeling scared is physically almost identical to feeling excited – it’s just the label we give to those movements inside that dictate whether we call it positive or negative. So I’m consciously excited about what is happening and thoroughly enjoying the process of moving through the unknown.

What is next for you?

I’m currently working on a follow-up book to I’m Still Standing as there is so much more that has happened since I finished the manuscript!

I’m also working on a business book based on my years of working with leaders in the corporate world. I am increasingly concerned that people are losing their voices in the workplace, and I’d like to continue my work sharing techniques to help others stand up and reclaim their power. I’ve seen too many cases where even senior managers feel helpless to take action when they know something is wrong. The reasons for this vary of course, but it seems to me that many of our businesses today are suffocating their people who are, after all, the lifeblood of any successful company!

What else is in store? 

Well the fact is I simply don’t know, and that feels amazing! I’ve come to understand that life can shift in the blink of an eye, so I have stopped holding tightly on to plans or next steps. What I know for absolute certain, though, is that whatever happens next will certainly involve helping others, while continuing to learn and grow myself in the process.

I can happily say that I am loving my life right now, and I have a wonderful feeling that the adventure has only just begun…

Thank you for interviewing me!

Secrecy And Fear - It's Time For Action!

I've just read an article that absolutely pushed my buttons - firstly because it resonates with issues I have had to face and overcome myself, and secondly because I know from experience that these kind of situations are far from unique. I believe that they are continuing to happen because of our growing culture of secrecy and fear. And it's time to do something about it...!

The article I'm referring to is the story of Gary Walker, former Chief Executive of the United Lincolnshire Hospitals Trust. Sacked in 2011 for raising his concerns about the way the hospital was being run, he was then the subject of a gagging order and pay-off following a harrowing battle with the trust to have his case heard. Now he has decided to take a stand, defying the threats of lawyers employed by the NHS, and to 'whistle blow' about his experiences while working at the hospital. His word is being contested and he is facing financial ruin, so I found his statement particularly poignant: "... if it's got to the stage where thousands and thousands of patients are dying needlessly in NHS hospitals and the Government says no-one's to blame, someone needs to stand up and be counted. If they want to fight me in the courts for breach of an unlawful contract I was forced to sign then I will fight them all the way."

For me this is punching-the-air-brilliant stuff, and I found myself willing this man on, just for his courage in standing up and speaking out. 

Of course there are rights and wrongs and a whole heap more to this story I am sure - but the fact remains that it takes courage and bloody hard work to speak up against anything that is intrinsically wrong. In fact, those who do find the courage to do so are nearly always ridiculed, often ostracised, and sometimes ruined as a result. One of the comments after the article talks about working at places where "... you have to be very careful what you say or you could find yourself out of a job.... There is a climate of fear in many offices..." 

My professional dealings tell me that this is so very true - and, in my opinion, getting worse. People are afraid to say (let alone do) anything that might rock the status quo, for fear of losing their job. So instead they follow the code of silence - knowing that something is wrong but feeling powerless to do anything about it. This kind of behaviour eats away at self-confidence and ultimately threatens the very soul of a business. The more people are having to pretend that everything is ok, the less they connect emotionally with their work colleagues and their surroundings. They start to become empty shells and as a result their work and concentration becomes (at best) robotic. 

So far as I'm concerned it becomes a vicious cycle of bullying and fear. What happens then to good customer service, caring about results or 'going the extra mile' - the small but personal differences that encourage a business to thrive? With so many people invested (for whatever reasons) on maintaining a status quo that rewards few and harms many, is it any wonder that we have reports telling us that people are less happy and more stressed today than ever before?

The thing is, those of us who keep the silence are in our own way enabling the bad stuff to continue. A bully can only harm others while he or she thinks they have control. This is why silencing people is such a powerful weapon - it separates others and breeds insecurities.

I remember one of my earliest projects was to help two separate offices from the same firm to integrate in to one large building. It was absolutely fascinating collecting the feedback from both groups of people. Each believe the other had a better working conditions. Each was convinced that the other group would judge them. Each was scared that they might not fit in. Each held their clients in such high regard that they were afraid the move would upset their relationships... It wasn't until I played back the feedback to both groups of people that the tensions subsided. Once they realised that they both had the same (or very similar) hopes and fears, they pulled together and they made it work.

OK, life may not always be that simple. But the thing is, if everyone stays quiet then nothing will change. I know from bitter experience how hard it has been for me to get my own voice heard - how it appears to be more important to cover backs and make sure we don't rock the boat than listen to what is wrong. It riles me no end to know that the focus seems much more on 'not upsetting the baddies' rather than taking action on what is right. 

I for one have now found my voice. And my intention is to help others find theirs as well. I'm not suggesting that everyone should take the same 'out there' route that I am choosing - what I am saying is that the more we can start to acknowledge (even if only to ourselves) when something is not right, then we can start to work out how to take action.

It's the smallest tiniest things that make a difference. We may feel like we're only a drop in the ocean - but as we all band together our power will expand until we are the difference that makes the difference.

So now, I wonder who's up for joining in...?

Feeling Fizzly...

What a time it is for me at the moment... Talk about expansive and life-changing! Since the publication of my book (on Kindle and iBooks for the moment, paperback out on 1st April) it's fair to say that I am continually blown away by what has been happening. 

Because no matter where, how or when something happens, I am becoming more and more aware of a feeling inside me that I can best describe as 'fizzly'. It's more than just plain fizzy... because to me that means champagne, or pop, or something like that. It's a kind of visual word that evokes pictures or objects, whereas 'fizzly' seems to encompass sounds and sensations as well. I wonder how many of us remember Spacedust, those packets of brightly coloured sweet tasting popping powder that we used to enjoy as kids? Or Spangles? Or Refreshers? Or Lovehearts...? (it is Valentine's day after all!). Well, the fizzling that I am referring to is like all of those put together... and then doubled :-)

All the time, I feel connected with the low, steady 'thrum' of the fizzle. There are times though, when this fizzling becomes so strong that I'm just not certain that I can contain all the energy within my body! Friends will vouch that there have been recent occasions where it's as though I'm literally bursting with it all - the grin on my face just keeps getting wider and wider, and neither deep breathing nor shaking it out seems to dull the sensation. I'm perfectly sure that there are currently moments when I'm probably almost impossible to be with, although I hope that is not too often the case! Thank you, my friends, for understanding.

So what, exactly, is causing this to happen? It is a number of things - and although they may appear separate or apart, they are all aligned in some way. I'm going to do my best to explain.

Firstly, I suppose, it's the feedback I've been receiving from people who have read my story. I was so very nervous when the book finally found it's way 'out there' and have been like a cat on a hot tin roof (Marty, you know exactly what I'm talking about!). I am equally blown away by comments from friends who hadn't known my full history, as by feedback from strangers who tell me how the book has helped them to make sense of stuff in their own life. To say I'm 'over the moon' is putting it mildly. For once, I can find no words to adequately describe how delighted and touched I am to know that I am able to reach others - even without meeting them or chatting with them. It's a huge honour, and I'm loving - absolutely completely and utterly loving - connecting with so many new people, knowing we share something in common! It makes everything worthwhile (the struggles, the pain, the magnitude of changes) and my sense of gratitude is continuing to build every day.

As well as that, I am hugely excited (and nervous) about the opportunities that are showing themselves. It feels like a whole new world - well, it is a whole new world in actual fact! Over the past couple of weeks I've been involved with radio interviews, I've completed another video shoot, I've completed an on-line interview (thank you Arvind), and I've been promoted by other people (thank you to Fishead and also to Lovefraud). There are other hugely exciting projects in the pipeline that I could never have dreamed of a couple of years ago! On top of that I have a new website, a new Facebook page, and a Twitter account that is finally working properly.

I've also been meeting some incredibly dynamic and energetic people, all of whom seem to 'fizzle' in a similar way to me. Aristotle's famous quote "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts" is so very true for me right now - strengthening existing connections and creating new as well... honestly, it's a dream come true!

I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me. Equally I have no clear 'plans' of what to put in place - so much is shifting, and I'm simply enjoying every moment.

What I do know for absolute sure and certain is that this fizzling is just the beginning. It's the call (or the shove!) to an even more fulfilling life filled with more joy and happiness than ever before. The thing is though, I have a small persistent question that keeps tapping me on the shoulder and swimming around my brain. The niggling question is this... Will I be actually able to accept it all? 

It's all so new, and all so different from what I've been 'used to' in the past...

In all truth, I don't yet know how I'm going to accept it all - then again, I don't think that the hows really matters. All I know is that the way I'm feeling now, I know in my bones and in my soul that I'm in the best place I've ever been in my entire life.

So please, let me make a declaration right here and now. I am loving this fizzly feeling - and I'll be doing my absolute darndest to learn how to accept every bit of joy that's heading my way....!! 

What a fabulous challenge eh? Bring it on...!!