Lovefraud: Our Silence Is Their Greatest Weapon

This week I’d like to tell you a true story – although details have been changed to protect privacy. It concerns a recent dinner conversation I had with a well-balanced, well-educated, professional gentleman who has worked at the same company for over a decade. Why? Because he believes in what they do, he loves his job, and he loves the people who work there. This man is articulate, intelligent, great company, happily married and by any measure has made a success of his life – I’ll call him James. So, you can imagine my surprise when, in a quiet moment, this strong man took me aside to confide in me about the horrors he had suffered at the hands of a female boss who had recently left the business.

The antics of this particular individual took its toll on every member of her team – and indeed on the many others who witnessed the carnage but didn’t know what to do about it. From what James said, it appears she would take delight in ridiculing, menacing and threatening her dedicated team of people. She would have one face for public appearances, and a totally different face behind closed doors. She would make a statement about her team to colleagues, and then berate individuals for (allegedly) going behind her back or for non-performance. Rules were changed at the last minute, promises made and broken, rumors spread and threats made – all cloaked with the repeated warning “you’d better keep this to yourself – don’t say a word to anyone else, you know what I can do”

The Only One

I asked how long it had been going on and whether the other bosses knew what was happening? “It had been going on for years”he replied, looking down at the floor “but they could never get any concrete evidence on her. We were all too scared and didn’t realize the extent of what she was doing. I honestly thought I was the only one”

My heart bled for him, as he went on to explain that he’d been on medication to combat stress and depression. It was only after his boss had finally been asked to leave that James realised just how many others had suffered similar symptoms. I was intrigued to know how the other leaders in the business had allowed such bullying behaviour to go on for so long.

“Well, it’s just the way it is. We all love the business and the people in it – we just have a few really strong characters who still think it’s ok to shout and belittle people. We just get on with it and learn to take the blows…”

Now, I don’t know about you, but I personally think that this is a terrible way to go on – and I am constantly horrified that people in positions of authority do not stand up against this sort of behaviour? For me, as I’ve said before, it’s not about witch-hunts or persecution of these individuals. It is not about identifying who may or may not be the sociopath, the narcissist, or the disordered person. No, it’s not about pointing the finger out and hunting them down. It’s simply about recognizing when something ‘bad’ happens (from whatever source, no matter what, where or from whom) and then finding a way to something about it. Because if we keep silent, or continue to take no action, then we provide ‘them’ with their greatest weapon… and they become more lethal the more they gain confidence that they can continue getting away with it.

It doesn’t have to be anything major or personally endangering. Even the smallest and seemingly insignificant of actions can have a dramatic result. Making an internal “no” decision, viewing the bully as a coward, maintaining a blank expression when dealing with them, or just simply walking away.  All those are within our own control. And all of those diffuse and deflate their perceived power over us. Each and every one of us has the power to do this, and it’s multiplied when we join with others and do the same. Yep, that all makes sense – so what stops us then?

I Thought I Must Be Wrong

I asked James the same question. His reply was quite simple. “Having taken the emotional beatings for so long, I just got used to it and found ways to make the pain more bearable. I thought I must be wrong, that I was misinterpreting the situation and that I should just get on with it. In hindsight, I can see that the problems started and escalated when I did nothing about the very first attack – because I just brushed it off. As we all did. It gave us a sense of unspoken bonding, surviving the bad stuff together”

 But now he knows. And now he is keen to share his experiences so that others can also know.

I come back again to the saying “we see things not as they are, but as we are” – and it’s the nice-guys who make excuses for bad behaviors in others. We’re perhaps too willing to forgive or defend other people, on the compassionate understanding that they might just be having a bad day. I’m not saying that’s wrong. On the contrary, I believe it’s a healthy quality to maintain and nurture. Along with that quality, though, I also believe that it’s time that as human beings, we all learn to re-set our internal barometer to super-sensitive, and commit to speaking out any and every time we recognize something is even the slightest bit off-course. It doesn’t need to be an accusation… but it certainly needs to become a question.

The on-going libel issues surrounding my book, for example, have become a farce – and I have been questioning the wisdom of their progress. Because, not content with the mountains of black and white evidence and witness statements that I have already provided, together with substantial name, relationship and location changes, the legal team are currently of the mind that the next step is to make direct contact with the ‘baddies’ in my story and ask them for sign-off on the entire manuscript, just in case there is any way they have any comeback later on. I am flabbergasted. So far as I am concerned, the suggestion demonstrates naivety in the extreme – why on earth would I place myself once again at the mercy of people who I know for a fact to be disordered? The madness of their suggestion just goes to further confirm my own opinion that the law has lost its way.

Action Is The Key

Who, now, is the law protecting? Where, now, is the support for freedom of speech? How, now, is the law standing up for those less able to make their case? It seems that the easier road to take is that where they, like James, have learned to roll with the punches and protect themselves against the bad people. Because from my experience, they are usually the ones who will cite their civil rights when caught doing something wrong, and who will be familiar with every legal loophole. They are the ones who cost most time and money, because they’ve learned to twist the legal system just the way that they learn to twist the true and generous hearted among us. So the automatic route now is to second-guess against what ‘they’ might or might not do – rather than to stand up to them and say ‘enough is enough’. And yet, in my heart of hearts, I am certain that many in these professions are themselves sickened by the on-going change of focus – feeling powerless to make a difference when common sense and judgment has given over to tick-boxes and back-covering.

And yet – the more we stay silent or take no action, then the more it will just carry on. Because what we allow, will continue.

I believe that there are far too many professionals who, even though they feel frustrated, continue to keep their own silence, refusing to hold their hand up and ask questions when something is wrong. I read a quote this week by Martin Luther King and I believe it sums up the message I intend to keep sharing – particularly with those in positions of influence who insist on hiding behind bureaucracy, fear, and any number of ‘company rules’ and defunct mantras of ‘that’s just the way it is’ that keep them trapped in the belief that doing what appears easier automatically translates as doing what is right. Here is the quote that spoke so loudly to me: “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter”

Well, folks, my life is just getting going – and, like many of us here, my voice is getting stronger day by day. Because we’re the ones who know what’s out there…

Link to Lovefraud post here

Lovefraud: Real Love After The Sociopath

I don’t remember the number of times that my friends warned me not to shut down after it all happened. How many times they’d ask me not to lose myself. To avoid becoming bitter and lonely. To stay open, despite my pain.

“With what you’ve been through you have every right to never trust anyone again” they’d say “but please don’t let this experience change you from being the loving bubbly person that you are – time will heal. Stay open”

Yes, I am very lucky indeed to have such wise and loving friends. I count my blessings and am grateful for such levels of support – particularly during the early days after discovering the truth.  At the time I thought they were referring to my ability to trust another romantic relationship. That was ok, because I was always ready with an answer. My well-rehearsed response would be along the lines of “It’s ok, because I know that my feelings were real, even if his were not – and I know for a fact that I experienced true love. So if I felt that with an empty soul, then when one day I find a real person, surely the experience will be ten times better?”

The thing is, though, I have discovered that real love has very little to do with me finding another person. That ‘closing off’ does not just mean closing to the world and people that surround me. That yes, staying open is entirely to do with trusting and loving…. But loving who, exactly? And how…?

Rock And A Hard Place

As for all of us here, I’ve survived some pretty grueling experiences. My personal healing journey after the sociopath involved re-examining some of the old traumas that I thought I’d already dealt with. Re-opening the sealed emotions that were still hidden away, despite my honest belief that there was nothing left to discover. But there was. And to this day, there continues to be more.

There was a time when, to be frank, I was way too scared of going to some of the darker places that lay within me. Because I knew that re-discovery meant opening old scars and digging around in the old hurts. It was going to be painful, and I didn’t know whether I had the courage to go there – toreally go there and find out what was within. To deal with ‘whatever it was’ once and for all, so that I could be free and done with it. It was an almighty ask of myself – and there were many times that I felt overwhelmed by the enormity of the task I knew lay ahead. I became frightened that if I went to the places that were beckoning me, I might never find my way back out. That I’d die from the pain, or perhaps be held prisoner for the rest of eternity.

On the other hand, I knew that if I didn’t go there, then I was doomed to stay stuck in the living nightmare that had become my life. And that, by comparison, was far too great a hurt to live with. So, caught between a rock and a hard place, I felt pushed to the limit. I had to make a choice. And I made the choice to dive right in, hoping and praying that by facing my fears I would come out the other end.

Having made the commitment I discovered that in actual fact the pain was never ‘too much to bear’ and neither was I held prisoner. Quite the contrary. Looking back now, I imagine the journey as a daily trek in to a dark mine. Each day hollowing out more rock, my body and determination becoming stronger as I continued to work. The job, by default, therefore becoming easier as I continued scraping away, emerging at the end of each day with a filthy face and a dirty great smile.

Reflections And Sunshine

And you know what? I never did reach any impasse. I never did find any really ‘bad’ thing hidden there. But I did find something. Something that I had never  in a million years imagined would be hidden there! Because underneath all the dark rocks and dirt, I found a diamond. I found myself.

I said earlier, I had honestly believed that I’d already uncovered and dealt with the emotional damage of my past. Because of that I believed that there was nothing left to discover. On top of that, I now realize that I had believed for many years that even if there was any discovering left to be done, it could only possibly be more of the ‘bad stuff’ that I’d hidden away so many years earlier. It didn’t even occur to me that there might be good stuff to discover – DOH! And now I am thoroughly reveling in finding new stuff within – because I’ve finally tapped in to the real love that lies within me. And ever since the first tentative connection was made, it has continued to build. On a daily basis I am finding more ways to love and appreciate myself for who I am – yep, I’ve lived with ‘me’ for close to five decades, but it feels like I’ve only recently started to know myself.

I am constantly chuckling at the reflections of this process of unfolding that are now occurring on nearly a daily basis. Just at the weekend, for example, I noticed a stone building by the river on a route that I’ve taken countless times over the nine years I have lived in my village. But I had never before taken any notice of the building. On Sunday I not only saw it, I went to explore. There I discovered the most beautiful ‘lavoir’ (a covered area where the locals used to do their washing in years gone by) that had clearly been standing there for many lifetimes. There it was, an exquisite example of beauty and history right on my doorstep. Yet for so long it had simply been invisible to me.

As for my fear of becoming captive to the strength of the pain within? I now realize that I have been living my life as a prisoner for longer than I care to remember. The journey to cleanse my memories, my emotions, and my soul has ultimately proven to be my salvation.

So, for the journey, and for the real love that I am now feeling, I am once again inclined to thank my ex-husband, and all those who have done me harm over the years. I can’t begin to understand their intentions when they were being so cruel, but it doesn’t matter any more. What they did doesn’t matter any more either. Because whether it was intended or not, and whether because or in spite of their actions towards me, I have managed to find myself and re-connect to real love. The real love that was and always has been deep within me.

It turns out that it was not the ‘bad stuff’ I was afraid of – it was the love. Not the darkness, but the light. Through diving in and facing my deepest fears, I have discovered the truth that it was no-one and no-thing that had been holding the real love back from me. In actual fact I had become my own jail-keeper. I had been holding myself prisoner over so many years. Even through years of forgiveness and self-development work, I had still been hiding my light under a bushel.  It was me who’d denied myself the love and the light. I was the one who had closed myself off.

So, since I was the one who had locked the door I was also the one who could open it and let in the sunshine. And as I continue to let the sunshine in, the sunshine continues to grow within me. And as the light grows within me, so my life fills with more and more love.

It was here all along. It always has been. I just didn’t know it. But now I do know it – and I also know that others share the same light. Like me, though, many are yet to discover their own brilliance. It’s there. And I’m here as living testimony that, no matter how impossible it may seem at times, there is indeed real love after the pain.

With deepest love to all. Thank you.

Original link to Lovefraud post here

Lovefraud: Me-Muscles... It's All About The Questions

I’ve had an extraordinarily busy and amazing week working with a fantastic group – which is why I simply didn’t have the time to post anything last week. My apologies. The workshop sessions were intensive, running through from early morning to late evening, and yes, it’s tiring work – both for me as well as for the delegates and, of course, my training team. But goodness me it’s worth it. How do I know? The room filled with smiling faces tells me so, and it makes me feel glad.

So this week I’ve decided to share some of the techniques we were exploring over the course of the workshops – because there are many that, in my experience, also apply to dealing with the sociopaths among us.

The first subject is one I’ve written about before. It’s the question of blame and responsibility. You'll know and recognize the times when the hand raises, the finger starts pointing and out come words like “He said…” or “It’s her fault…” or “My boss is to blame…” as people focus on what’s wrong about something or someone else? Now then, so far as I’m concerned there’s nothing wrong in noticing when something is not right – in actual fact it’s extremely positive and necessary to take regular ‘health checks’ on surrounding circumstances. How else can we know whether or not we’re happy with where we are or what we’re doing? The problem, though, lies when people simply state the ‘blaming’ fact and leave it at that – without doing anything about it, and likely feeling more frustrated in the process.

What Can I Do?

So, instead of automatically leaving things as they are, though, what might happen if we adopted the habit of asking ourselves honestly and gently what we can do about it – even when it seems that things are out of our control? In a group scenario, it’s quite simple to give a visual explanation for this – so I’ll share it here with you now. Imagine pointing your finger out towards whatever is upsetting, annoying or frustrating you – and look at how you hold your hand. Notice that for the one finger that points away, there are three pointing back at you. It's a metaphor that demonstrates if we focus all our attention on what is ‘out there’ we are giving away our power – forgetting that if we focus back in on ourselves, we can both acknowledge our power, and also start to grow self-confidence by flexing what I like to call our Me-Muscles.

What are “Me-Muscles”…? They are the tools that sit within us – within all of us – that are within out power to recognize, acknowledge, and build. I often refer to the work I do as the “inner game” because I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that we have more personal resources within us than most of us realize. I have been learning and experimenting with this fact over many years, and after my experiences with my ex I know for sure that it’s the truth. Because I was able to fall back on the countless skills I’d learned and taught over the years, gradually strengthening my me-muscles and finding myself in the process. Those skills helped me to come through, and as a result, they have become even stronger as a result of my experiences.

That's all well and good, you may be thinking, but how do we do that? How can we find strength and faith in ourselves when all around us seems so hopeless…? It’s a good question – and let me assure you, it’s one I’ve asked myself on numerous occasions, while holding tightly on to the bathroom sink and staring at my tear-streaked reflection!

It’s Not About The Labels

And you know what I’ve learned? I’m aware that my next statement may well seem contentious at first – so please stay with me. Because the fact is I’ve learned that it does little or no good to point out the person who has done me wrong. Whether intentional or not, and whether from a sociopath, a narcissist, a bully, an abuser, a psychopath, an enemy, a back-stabber or just a misguided friend…. It doesn’t matter the label I give the person. It doesn’t matter the name or category that the person (or people) sit. No. At the end of the day, that’s not what counts. What counts is the recognition of the behaviour that they are demonstrating – whether that behaviour is conscious or automatic. Whether it’s deliberate or accidental, manipulation or just mis-guided care. At the end of the day, it’s not important. The label, once again, doesn’t matter. Because what matters is that whatever is happening, whatever we notice (and point our finger at) it’s an opportunity for us to flex our Me-Muscles and say “yes” to what we like and “no” to what we don’t like.

It’s our invitation to go within and find our own resources. Why? Because we’re worth it. How do we do it? By learning techniques. When do we start? As soon as we realize (or, as I was taught many years ago “see with real-eyes”) that we can – or even if we may not believe that we can, perhaps we get an inkling that perhaps it might be possible that we may be able to do a little more than we had previously thought… You get my drift?

Can you begin to imagine the possibilities as more of us not only become more adept at recognizing bad behaviours (within individuals, groups and cultures) but also do something about pointing them out and changing them? I can imagine it… and it gives me goosebumps. Those goosebumps happen every time that I work with a group and hear these words “Nothing’s really changed outside – but I’VE changed, and now I know for sure that I can change my life for the better!”

It all starts with a set of questions. Gentle and honest questions to ourselves. Invitations, if you like, so that we can find ways to tap in to the unknown power that lies within us and learn to reclaim who we are. Those honest questions can be triggered every time that we point the finger out to someone or something else. And instead of just focusing on what’s happening, ask ourselves “How can I influence this? What can I do differently? What else is within my power that I hadn’t already recognized?” And you know what? The responses will start to come.

And if (as at times you will) you hit the brick wall of “I don’t know” – then gently continue your self-dialogue with an acknowledgement and another question “Yes, of course, I realize that I don’t know… but just for a moment or two, supposing I DID know…. Then what…?” And you can smile as the answers slowly start to form.

I hope this is useful, and would welcome your comments and questions :-)

Lovefraud: Opening Old Wounds

This, for me, has been a week of extreme highs and lows. And, as usual, has once again provided me with the perfect material for today’s post. Among the highs was finding and securing the perfect living solution for my son when he starts university – that’s a massive weight off both of our shoulders, and a cause for great celebration!

The lows? Well, they’ve been triggered by a piece of particularly unexpected news – and an announcement that I would therefore like to make to all of you here on Lovefraud. I discovered just at the end of last week that the publication date for my book has been moved. Not by the couple of weeks I might have expected, since I was already aware that the libel issues have taken much longer than anticipated to resolve. Nope, the date change is a full seven months down the line, with a new publication date of 7^th February 2013. The original date was this week, 5^th July, so it came as a bit of a blow. I am desperately sorry to all of you who may have placed an advanced order with Amazon, because now you will not be able to read the book until the beginning of next year. Please accept my apologies – this entire process is out of my hands.

What is the reason for seven months’ delay? Well, it turns out that there are optimal times for releasing books and, since we were going to miss our designated slot, I’m told that the next best time for promotion is February. I can understand what I’m being told. It makes sense. It really does. But that’s not the point.

Old Demons Try To Return

Because the point is that I didn’t know – although the publishers thought they’d told me. So while there is no blame on their part, it didn’t stop me from going through a maelstrom of emotional responses, because the way it happened triggered old feelings and opened up old wounds. I recognize that now, but at the time I simply felt hurt, deflated and defeated. I felt as though I’d been beaten at the last hurdle. That despite going through the anguish of writing out my story in detail, and despite agreeing editorial tweaks and providing all manner of black and white proof that what I am saying is true, I simply failed to cross the finish-line. Despite my best efforts, I had let people down – those who were expecting their book, those who have given me their endorsements, those who have lined up promotional support… all of that wonderful help and encouragement now wasted. Game over. Chance missed. Back to the changing rooms and back to the training field.

For the first few hours, I could hardly even focus as I reeled under the weight of guilt and shame. My hard-learned skills escaped me as any sense of balance or reason eluded me. Tears flowed, fists clenched, teeth ground, and frown-lines deepened. The old demons I knew so well once again slithered out from my subconscious and beckoned me in to their cold scaly grip, taunting me with hissed questions that stabbed at my vulnerability “So you really thought you could do it did you? Don’t you know that you’ll never come to anything? What made you think you’d succeed this time? Will you never learn?”

For a while, fury once again took over and I railed against the injustice of it all. “Why wasn’t I consulted? Why weren’t all these details covered off months ago? Where’s my voice in all this?” And yes, looking back now, I can fully imagine the stamping of feet, folding of arms, and a huge “It’s just not fair!” before the pout takes over and stomps off in to a corner. Yes, I can laugh now! But only now… Because I’ve moved through it all and been able to make sense of what has happened.

I already knew that the scars run deep after experiences of trauma and abuse. And like so many of us here, I’ve had my fair share of both – and worked my way through the healing process to reclaim my self, my sanity and my freedom. Which is why this most recent episode has turned out to be a blessing in disguise…

There Is Always A Gift

This latest experience, you see, has allowed me to get an even fuller sense of the range and pattern of emotional responses to manipulation and abuse. It’s allowed me to realize that the feelings I was experiencing were muchless to do with the situation in hand, and much more to do with old memories. I was able to put in to context my over-sized responses, and empathise with why I was doing it.

Through my own healing process I have been learning to own, accept and express my feelings – even the ones I had previously labeled as “spoiled brat” or “judgemental” or just plain “bad”. And so my discovery that the book wasn’t going to happen in the way I had believed provided me the perfect opportunity to re-experience the roller-coaster emotional ride that started when I discovered that life with my soulmate was a sham. Back then it took me many many months to make sense of what was happening. This time it took a matter of hours to experience the same set of emotions and deal with them honestly and with kindness. I’m sure that these responses will be all too familiar with many people here on this site:

Betrayal because I hadn’t been told the truth. Abandonment because I had been let down at the last minute. Isolation because I felt that nobody was ‘with me’ or willing to stand up for me. Guilt because perhaps I hadn’t given enough. Shame because I would have to explain what had happened. Confusion because I thought we were on track. Shame once again because I didn’t see it coming. You know the ones…?

Well, this time, as soon as I realised what was happening, I was able to give myself some distance from the situation. I felt able to give space to each of those feelings, and accept them as they passed through – because they were real, and they are part of who I am. I took many deep breaths, went out in to nature, and consciously did more of the things that I had learned helped me get through the last few years.  Within 24 hours I felt clearer and lighter – and the ideas started to flow.

I’m Ready

Once again, I realize that there has been a gift in the situation. Once again I feel I have learned and grown as a result. Once again I am confident that I am in exactly the right place, and that everything is unfolding in the most perfect way. Gratitude is once again flowing, and I am forging ahead with ideas that would never had appeared had everything run to the original plan.

Now I realize that I have a seven-month window to reach out to more people and to share the skills I have learned in a more structured way. I also have the opportunity to expand my reach and connect with the language of the place I live – here in France we just don’t have the number of resources available that we have in UK, USA and other English-speaking countries. And yet here, it could be argued that oppression is even more common – and even less understood.

This was always in the background plan. But I had reasoned that I would need my book to come out first. Not so. Because now I am fired-up to do everything within my power to reach out to others. The book is already written and edited. It’s ready. And so am I. And I’ve realised that it really doesn’t matter which comes first – a bit like the proverbial chicken and the egg. So, watch this space… there are plans afoot 

Original link to Lovefraud post here

Lovefraud: Shifting The Blame

Well, I’m delighted to report that my son completed all his exams last week – and is confident that he did well. Recognizing his ability to respond to the challenge, he did everything within his power to make the most of the situation, staying calm and able to think as clearly as possible in a highly pressured situation. So, regardless of what happens next (the results are published in a couple of weeks) the fact remains that he’s done his very best, and it’s over.

Which is why, this week, I decided to expand on the subject of blame and responsibility. There’s a huge difference between thinking in those two opposing terms. There’s also, of course, a huge difference when people choose to use those kinds of behaviour – with a sociopath of course, the blame is always placed on another person. There is always some reason why the job fell through, why their last relationship was so difficult, why they need to borrow money or whatever else may have happened to justify their murky past. And when it all blows up, of course, well who is to blame? Their trusting, loving partner of course… us, and all those like us!

So the way in which they use the power of responsibility and blame, is not healthy – it’s deliberately manipulative. It works so well because mastery in recognizing and harnessing the difference is such a powerful tool. The fact is, though, most of us have no reason to learn these kind of communication skills. Most of us go through life with the basic understanding that if we “do as you would be done by” then all will be well. Which accounts for why, in my opinion, any encounter with a manipulative or abusive person comes as such a shock to the system. And why we automatically ask ourselves the “where did I go wrong?” type of questions.

Communication Is Key

In business, however, particularly in managerial levels, it is very important that people have a more thorough appreciation about the impact their communication can have on others. This, as you know, is the arena where I have chosen to work in my professional career. Communication, self-responsibility, motivation and personal development skills have all been practiced, taught, and practiced again over the years. Indeed, it was living by so many of those skills I have taught that helped me survive and heal from my own situation.

Don’t get me wrong. There have been countless times when all those practiced abilities went out of the window, as yet another boulder crashed in to me. Many times it was all I could do just to make it through to the next minute – let alone to the end of the day. Thoughts of anything more than that were just too much to handle. So in those times I would just let myself be, slowly learning how to be gentle on myself while my shattered emotions began to heal. And that process alone, of course, taught me more lessons; adding, not detracting, from everything I’d learned before. But those are stories for another day.

So, OK then, what am I talking about when I say shifting the blame…? Well, this is based on some of the training I use within groups. This particular subject is the notion that we can consciously choose the way we approach a situation. Specifically, whether we decide to think about a situation in terms of blame, or in terms of responsibility. I am not talking about the kind of ‘blame’ that all of us here will have experienced. Nor am I talking about the kind of ‘responsibility’ that we may well have thought we should have been feeling when faced with those kind of accusations. You know the sort of accusations I mean? The ones that go along the lines of “It’s your fault I did this, you made me do it!” The ones that are then more than likely followed by this kind of thinking on our part “Why did that happen? Where did I go wrong?”

It’s All About Noticing – And Then Choosing

I would imagine that it’s pretty easy for most people to identify the blaming behaviour being demonstrated by the accuser. I wonder whether it’s quite so straight forward, then, to notice how the blame-thinking is then continued by the person who has been accused…?

Let me do my best to explain more clearly what I mean. In workshops, people usually discover that their automatic response reflex to most situations is to ask themselves why it happened.  Now ok, I actually believe that’s all well and good in many cases – so long as people are aware of the results their questions will achieve. If they think along the blame-style lines of “What is wrong?” “Why did it happen?” “Whose fault is it?” then they’re directing their brain (and internal resources) to explore the cause – and only the cause. What’s wrong with that? (notice the deliberate blame-style question by the way!) Well, nothing per-say is ‘wrong’… it’s just that by staying in that style of thinking and questioning, they hamper their ability to either find a solution or just to move forward.

OK, so how might the question or thinking behind the question be more useful? What could they ask instead and how might it affect what happens? Put in simple terms, I would typically invite people to think about the problem in terms of future rather than the past. Just by asking a few responsibility-based questions (thoughts that are firmly rooted in the future, in terms of what the person or group would like to happen) people can start to work through the situation, making the most of their ability to respond.

Specifically – questions like “What would I like to achieve?” “How will I know when I’ve achieved it?” “What can I do right now to help?” are all questions that help people to move forward. It opens up possibilities, and increases positivity.

I remember my ex asking me those kind of questions in the early days. He would, of course, use the questions in terms of “we” thereby ensuring that I was actively involved in designing our future – and feeling excited about it at the same time. Clever. Then, of course, when the blame and accusations came, along with the “It’s your fault, this is what you said you wanted!”  I went automatically in to typical blame-style thinking –“Why did this happen? What did I do? Where have I gone wrong?” and so the cycle continued. But I didn’t know it was happening. And that’s my point.

Looking back it is now so very clear to me. Yes, I know, I am a trainer in all these things. And yet still I didn’t spot what was happening. I’m sure you can imagine, therefore, just how hard on myself I was when the whole thing came out in the open! As I started looking at myself, and weighing up my situation (yup, it was tough… many times I winced at the dawning realization of yet another example of how I had been manipulated) I actively started to choose my the direction of my thinking and my questions. Regardless of how difficult the particular dilemma might be – varying from irritating to full-blown crisis – I started to train myself to actively ask supportive questions that would move me forward.

In order to do that, I kept my focus on the future. I had to believe that I would get through. Because if I didn’t, well, it doesn’t bear thinking about. That meant that during those darkest times, I consciously chose to keep asking myself “Where am I choosing to go? If I don’t like the way I’m feeling right now, how would I like to feel instead? What can I do right now that helps?”

It wasn’t easy. There are still days now when it isn’t particularly easy. But you know what? Each time I flex my decision-making muscles, and deliberately choose future-based responsibility-style thinking – well, somehow the problems start to lose their grip.

This is powerful stuff. And I know from personal experience that it can be used with great effect against people. I also know that the more we become aware of what has been happening, and start to practice these tools in positive ways, then it lessens the opportunity for others to continue using them to manipulate or negatively influence us. Of course I can’t speak for everyone, but so far as I’m concerned at least, that can only be a good thing, eh? :-)

Lovefraud: Reclaiming Our Power - One Decision At A Time

Thank you for your continuing comments after my posts. I feel deeply honoured to be here, and I am so glad that my stories seem to help in some way - it makes all the bad experiences worthwhile! As each new week arrives, and the time comes to writing an article, I look back and search for something that has hit home in some way shape or form. Something that has made a difference to me and that, therefore, I hope will be of value to my friends here on Lovefraud.

This week there have been a couple of things – a photograph that a friend sent to me was one of them. It was one of those quotes that tends to do the rounds on social media sites. One with a photograph and a motivational or poignant phrase. This one was a quote by the author Anne Lamott, and this is what it said: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

And that, of course, is what I’m continuing to do. Even when it appears that getting the truth heard and acknowledged is sometimes harder than it was living through the reality! But I’m continuing. Because if I don’t, then I am guilty of allowing the bad stuff to carry on regardless – and I simply cannot allow that. I’ve spent too many years staying quiet, letting things go, keeping my head down and generally doing my best to please people who, as I now realise, viewed kindness as weakness, and silence as stupidity. It’s taken many years to find my own courage. So there is no way that I am going to back down now – heck no. For goodness sakes, the fact is I’ve only just started!

Home Truths And Inspiration

So along with that comes the second thing that hit me this week. As has been the case many times before, I have once again been inspired by my son. Dylan has been through his own fair share of difficulties over the past three years. Like me, he has had to make sense of what happened, and survive through the emotional and financial devastation that happened as a result of my husband's betrayals. It’s a huge ask for anyone – let alone for a boy who at the time was only 13 years old and in the middle of a hugely important school year. Yet despite the odds he has come through. He has excelled in his studies and this week is the week of his baccalaureate exams (the French equivalent of “A-Level” or sixth-year studies), which will determine whether or not he can continue his education in the way he has chosen. He has already been accepted in to his university of choice, now he just needs to get the grades.

The thing is, he is still only 16 years old – whereas his contemporaries are 17 or 18. He was skipped up a year in junior school (despite coming in to a foreign country and having to learn a foreign language) and has managed to maintain his grades since that time. So, as I said, it’s a pretty major achievement and this week is a pretty major deal. Assuming everything goes to plan, he will be moving away from home in the autumn and settling in a new town a couple of hours from here. So, as you can imagine, I have been concerned to make sure I’ve been giving him as much guidance and day-to-day skills as I can while he's still living with me so that he can flourish as he starts his new life.

Well, I needn’t have worried. It turns out that my son is light years ahead of me in so many ways. How do I know? Well, it was a conversation we had this morning. It is Sunday afternoon as I write this, and today I am flying out to the UK for one of my regular work projects. Before leaving, Dylan and I shared a coffee and a chat (around my newly refurbished table  - the one I talked about a couple of weeks ago) as I was keen to give him some final words of encouragement for his big week. He told me that last night, while lying in bed, he had felt suddenly overwhelmed by the prospect of what he was facing. He explained how it had hit him that this was the week that his entire school-life had been leading up to, and he’d found himself thrown in to a minor panic.

And Breathe

Yet when he was explaining this to me, he was very calm. So I asked him what he had done to abate his fears.

“Well, it’s quite simple really” he said “As soon as I recognised what was happening, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself and give myself some space. Then I decided to just imagine myself as a teacher, so that then I’d feel really confident about taking any exam! That made me smile, and I fell asleep.”

Now, here’s the thing.  It would have been so easy – understandable even, given the circumstances – for him to have allowed his fears to grow and overwhelm him. It might arguably, then, have been perfectly reasonable if he’d tossed and turned during the night, restless with worries and concerns. But instead, he slept soundly and felt refreshed the next day. So what happened? What did he do that made the difference…?

The simple answer, so far as I can see it, is that he took a decision based on his awareness of the situation. First of all he recognised what was happening, then he decided to do something about it. Now then, of course he couldn’t actually do anything to change the situation he was facing – as is very often the case with things that worry us. But what he could (and did) do something about was to adapt his response to the situation in hand. I know I’ve spoken about this before, and I feel it’s worthy of another reminder here. If we look at it, the word responsibility, can be broken down to mean a person’s ability to respond. So when we take responsibility, it simply means we take control of our personal responses in a given situation. By doing this we can stop letting other people and situations control us, and instead start to reclaim our power.

All it takes is a decision. A decision that says “No, I’m not willing to feel this way any more!”or “Yes, I’m ready to start feeling better!” And then, even if it seems impossible (and to start with it may very well be tricky to achieve any significant changes), the fact that the decision has been made means that we are so much more able to find a solution.

Focus On What’s Already Within Our Control

What kind of things can we control? Just as Dylan did, we can choose to control our breathing. A few slow deep breaths can work wonders in times of stress. We can also choose to control our thoughts and focus – granted it takes practice. The fact is, though we can ultimately direct our mind to focus on thoughts of our choosing. In fact, I’ll bet that when we really start to think about it, there are many more things we can choose – or at least influence! Whether or not to have milk or sugar in coffee. What food to put on the plate, and how much of it to eat. What underwear to put on. Which station to watch on TV – and even if the choice in that instant may not be ours, then we can still certainly choose whether or not we allow ourselves to focus in on the programme!

Little by little we can reclaim our power – no matter how hopeless the situation may seem at the time. How do I know this? Because not only have I learned how to do it myself, I’ve also witnessed the results in others. Just the other day I was talking to a young French lady I often chat with. I don’t know her that well, but through various conversations we discovered that we share some similar childhood pain. Hers came from cruel treatment by her stepfather, who would regularly beat her mother and had started to do the same to my friend and her sisters. For a while she adapted to what was happening, learning how to walk on eggshells and keep the peace, particularly after he’d had a drink or two.

She told me that one day, though, she suddenly decided that she’d had enough. That she wasn’t going to put up with what that man was doing to her family. She was 14 years old at the time, and she described how what started as a little niggle gradually grew to become a huge “NO!” that coursed through her body. At that stage the decision was made. She confided in other family members and the police were informed. The process took a long time to yield tangible results, but ultimately the stepfather was jailed and the family was free.

“But that didn’t matter” she said, her eyes flashing at the memory “it wasn’t what happened in the end that was important. The only thing that was important was the moment in which I decided I wasn’t going to stand for it. From that instant, I started to become free”

I know, of course, that everyone of us has a different story and different experiences. I know that what works for one may not necessarily work for another. I also know though, that no matter how large or small the issue, and no matter what action follows, it’s the decision that counts. Step by step, breath-by-breath, decision by decision – we can reclaim our power.

With much love. Mel xxx

Lovefraud: Lifters And Drainers - Finding Sanity After Crazy!

As is my usual way here on this site, I’m writing this week about something that’s hit home to me once again. This time, it’s about the subject of Lifters and Drainers, Boosters and Bursters, Gremlins and Heroes…. Yes, I have plenty of terms for the subject I’m about to explain. But what, exactly, am I talking about you may ask?

Well, I’m talking about how we are influenced in the ways in which we operate. Taking both extremes, it’s the differences between whether we feel up, positive, poised and ready, or whether we feel tired, drained, despondent and depressed.  Specifically in this case, I’m going to focus on two direct ways in which we are influenced – the people around us, and our own thoughts and reactions. Because those are the things I’ve been dealing with this week.

Let me put things in to context as best I can. I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the libel issues around my decision to honestly share my story are still proving to be somewhat of a challenge. That’s putting things politely. And, to be brutally honest, there have been times last week when I’ve broken down in tears – gripped by feelings of frustration and pain. Frustration because of the limitations that are being placed on my freedom of speech (while there were no limitations placed on the inappropriate and cruel behaviours of certain people in my past – not to mention no recrimination for their actions) and pain because each time I am asked to prove beyond any level of doubt that what I am saying is the truth, it feels once again as though the knife is digging in to me. Although I understand that they are not intended that way, both nonetheless feel as though they are attacks. And it hurts.

Steam Train Ahead

Yes, I have spent a lifetime learning skills to deal with these kind of assaults – I’ve dealt with much worse – yet still I found myself feeling just a tad wobbly over the past few days. And I began to wonder what that might be about.

After all, the worst is all over, isn’t it? I’ve survived. More than that, I can now hold my hand up and say wholeheartedly that I’m actually thriving. I’m lucky enough to be living in a reality that on many occasions had seemed like an impossible dream. I’m happy with who I am. I am surrounded by friends and family who love me. I am thoroughly enjoying my work. And little by little I am reclaiming my home, turning it in to my own personal space. So life is good… isn’t it?

So how is it that something can come along with a side-swipe that knocks me off balance, leaving me feeling bruised and battered?

And then I got it. Crashing towards me like a steam train, and a great big “DOH!” as I smacked my forehead. Of course! I’d forgotten about the Lifters and Drainers. Those insidious influences that, if we’re not aware, can seep in to our reality and affect the way we respond. The thing is, from my own experience, I tend to forget about those little beasties when life is good. When I’m facing struggles, then my armor is up and I’m constantly poised for battle – and the Gremlins don’t stand a chance. But when I’m happy – well, then they can just sweep in unnoticed and catch me off-guard!

Cheerleaders

What am I talking about? Well, let me explain a little about what I term a Lifter, which can be many things but in this instance, either a person or a thought. Let’s imagine it as a person for the moment. Lifters are those people who are constantly encouraging you to do better. They’re the ones who will do their best to help you reach your goal when you mention your dream to them. They will instantly start thinking of ways they can help and support you, will be excited about your dream (maybe even more so than you are!) and will constantly remind you of it. If you like, they are the cheerleaders – the people who tell you to “Go go go!” and reassure you that you can do it, even when you doubt yourself.

Drainers, on the other hand, are those people who will give you all the reasons why your dream can never be achieved. They’ll tell you that you’re wrong, that your idea is nothing more than a hair-brained scheme, that you’ll only end up disappointing yourself, and give you the impression that you were foolish to even consider such a notion in the first place! Drainers can’t understand dreams and ambition – and when they see you fail, they take secret pleasure. Because your failure confirms their view on life.

When left unchecked and unrecognized, Drainers can weaken your defenses and literally drain your energy. Another great terminology for these kind of people is “Mood Hoovers”.

Exactly the same process can apply to thoughts. Lifter-thinking, for example, will include self-talk such as “I can!” “I am!” There’s always a way!” “Life is good!” – whereas Drainer-thinking will consist of “I can’t” “It’s impossible” “Things will never change”.

Now then, what I realised this week is this. When hit with some less than positive news, since my natural stance was ‘neutral’ (neither Lifting or Draining) because in general I’m in a good place, I inadvertently allowed the news to activate negative thinking. Rather than let the emotions I felt (frustration, anger, hurt) flow through, they instead triggered my thinking to go along the “it’s not fair” sort of powerless route. The fact is that it isn’tfair (not just for me personally but on a much more global scale) but if I allow myself to wallow too long in that thought, then I’m trapped. It’s cul-de-sac thinking so far as I’m concerned. Easy enough to turn in to, but once you’re in it’s equally easy to go round in circles and never get out.

Don’t Drown – Surf Instead!

So there I was, feeling more and more frustrated with the situation and in the process dragging myself still further down. Yes, as I’ve said before, I believe it’s good and healthy to acknowledge the waves emotions as they come in. The trick is not to be swamped by them – much better to learn to surf them if that makes sense!

Yet the Drainers had got me, and I was hurtling out to sea – and in the process getting ready to battle for survival again. And that was when it hit me. That was when I realised that, once back in battle-mode I could notice what was happening. And I saw crystal clear that I had got myself in to a much worse mess than was necessary – simply because I’d allowed my thoughts to hijack me! The Drainers had moved in and I’d forgotten to call in the Lifters. As I said, “DOH!” – it’s amazing how situations can suddenly become clear in a moment don’t you think?

So – from that moment on I’ve been actively choosing my thoughts once again. I’ve distanced myself from what is happening (because much of it is now out of my hands) and instead told myself that there’s a gift in everything, and that there’s a reason why the legal team are in place. Even with that very small change of thought, I have been able to take a much more objective standpoint, and feel much more positive about the process. Yes, there are still things that, in my opinion, are wrong not only about my personal experiences, but also about this approach in general. The point is, though, me getting upset about it is not going to allow me to influence the situation in any positive way. It’s just going to drain me of my resources.

What I’m doing now, instead of festering on the injustice, is I’m taking notes about what I believe is wrong about how we as a society are approaching issues such as abuse – and why it is that the bad people seem to get away with it. All of it is material for further books, talks, interviews and workshops.

That, in turn, is spurring me on and making me even more determined to continue speaking out and stepping up. So – once again I am grateful for what is happening, I am accepting of any natural hiccups in the process, and the Lifters are back in force. “Go go go! There is ALWAYS a solution!”

Original link on Lovefraud here