Lovefraud: Saying "Yes" Without Reading The Small Print

This week my post is inspired by a throw-away comment from my son. We were sitting in the kitchen, eating vegetable soup together while he downloaded a new app for my iPhone that will allow us to stay in contact more easily when I’m in the UK. As is often the case, the carrier has updated their terms and conditions so, before I could complete the download, I had to agree the changes.

“You don’t really want to read the 55 pages of new terms and conditions do you Mum?” asked Dylan, just checking the seemingly obvious before checking the “I agree” box. I laughed and shook my head – of course I didn’t!  And that’s when he said “Did you know that’s the biggest lie that people tell – not just once, but time and time again?”

“What is?” I replied, not quite getting where he was coming from “What’s the biggest lie?”

“Well, it’s like this” he continued with a smile on his face “We tick boxes saying that we’ve read and understood any number of terms and conditions, when in actual fact we’ve probably not even read a single word – let alone the countless pages of legal jargon that we’re expected to confirm that we’ve absorbed and understood!”

Hmmm… OK, I’d never thought about it that way. And it got me thinking further. I couldn’t help but make the link between my son’s observation and my own experiences in dealing with people where I ticked the mental “I agree” box without going through the terms and conditions. How often I’ve said OK because I’ve believed that what is being offered to me is…. well, exactly what is being offered! How often also, that at some point or other I have been disappointed to discover that actually, what appeared to be one thing was in fact something entirely different.

Relationship Agreements?

Imagine, then, that we could actually be offered a full set of legal agreement papers right at the beginning of any new connection. I’m not talking about a pre-nuptial agreements here, because that deals with how things are to be sorted out in the unexpected event of a split. No, I’m talking here about the possibility of having a legal description, associated risks, and possible side effects when entering in to a relationship with the person in front of you. I wonder what might be detailed? Would it be like a CV (another of the worlds’ biggest lies according to one of my favourite quotes “the closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form”) where there would be a list of experiences together with references – both good and bad? Would the document include personal feedback or a scoring system from people who have already been involved with that person – and if they’re no longer a part of their life, provide the details of what happened? Might it be a list of beliefs, values and priorities? A set of requirements expected of the other person, or perhaps a vivid account of their hopes and dreams?

Of course, this is all just creative musings on my part. But then again, I wonder though… if there really was an imaginary set of terms and conditions that was offered to us each time we struck up a new relationship (friendship, business, romantic or anything else) – would we really take the time to go through the small print? Would we…? Or would we just skip through to the end and tick the “I agree” box so that we could just get on with it? Well, I know that just a few years ago I wouldn’t even have taken a second glance. These days, though, knowing what I now know through my own experience, I am tempted to believe that I would go through every last detail with a toothpick!

Personal Terms And Conditions

It made me giggle, imagining how my own personal terms and conditions might have developed over the years. How, before I learned about predatory people I might happily have signed on any agreement without question“Yes, I’d like to get to know you, I believe what you’ve shown me, and I’ll commit to this relationship wholeheartedly – in fact I’m looking forward to it!” And, being the kind of person I was – well, actually, the kind of person I still am in many ways – having made the commitment I would never even have thought about reneging on my promise!

These days, while I may well be willing to sign, I would certainly include a caveat that might read something like this: “Yes, ok, I like what I am seeing and hearing and, assuming things continue along these lines then I’ll be very happy to share my time and experiences with you. And… be assured…. should at any point any of this change, or I discover that what you’ve said is untrue, or you have misrepresented yourself in any way, then all previous agreements between us are absolutely null and void with immediate effect”

So these days, yes, absolutely I will keep my side of the bargain. One hundred percent. The difference is, though, now my answer is never just “yes”…. It’s always “yes… and…” because I will never again allow myself to be trapped in a situation that is damaging to my health and well-being. Never again will I remain so focused on my commitment “for better or worse” that I allow the worse to take over while better becomes a distant memory! Never again will I allow myself to be swayed by silver-tongued reasoning that excuses a behavior or situation that I know deep within is a bad thing.

I know for a fact that I went in to the relationship with my ex as an open and trusting spirit, fully prepared to give myself to what I believed was the promise of a fulfilling, loving, and life-long relationship between two people who loved each other and chose to spend their lives together. I hadn’t recognized that within his terms and conditions, any mention of the word ‘spend’ literally meant spending on himself…. Love, trust and material goods were going out (from me) and coming back in (to him). He’d ‘pay’ me with his usual smiles, cuddles, displays of devotion, and constant assurances that our life together was perfect. But in reality he was stripping bare every asset he could find and systematically destroying any spiritual, emotional or financial security. It was me who was left spent. Dried up, worn out, and on my knees.

I remember right at the beginning that there were enough subtle warning signs – the ‘small print’ if you like. His hand-wringing guilt when he admitted that he’d wracked up ‘a few debts’ before we met. His tears when explaining his unusually long string of failed past relationships – and the numerous troubled and unbalanced partners he’d encountered along the way. His sadness at having been denied access to his two small children. Perhaps the most telling, though, was when a couple of close friends advised me to check out his version of events – one even went so far as to tell me she thought he was either an angel or a devil, she wasn’t sure which. But I was hooked by then and I brushed all of these “red-flags” aside, dismissing their concerns as unnecessary over-protection.

So yes, I reckon it could be a good idea to have a set of legal terms and conditions that should be read though, understood and accepted before engaging in any new kind of connection – on whatever level. That way, even if things turned sour, at least the original agreement would be there in black and white. And if any of the points had been violated by the other person well, we could walk away with our head held high knowing that we’d done our best. That we’d kept to our agreement, and that the ‘bad stuff’ was not our fault. Instead of which (as so many of us have experienced) we have been left feeling high and dry; consumed with overwhelming emotions of shame and guilt, together with endless “what if” questions stabbing and pecking away at our very soul.

I don’t know whether having a terms and conditions ‘blueprint’ attached to everyone would actually make a difference. I do know I’ve found it quite interesting to consider the possibility! I also know that next time I’m invited to tick the box, sign on the dotted line, or agree to a load of complicated legalese, I will most certainly remember my son’s words and have a wry smile on my face while I at least take a good look at the headlines…. Well, it’s a start isn’t it?

Original link on Lovefraud here

Lovefraud: There's Always A Gift - Even When The Situation Seems Hopeless

It’s been a funny old week for me. I am within spitting distance of completing a final piece of the jigsaw that releases me from my past – infuriatingly it’s still so close and yet so far. Over the past couple of years I’ve learned that some things just can’t be rushed. I’ve also learned that patience is indeed a virtue and that, contrary to the many messages I have been told throughout my life, I’ve realised that now I do possess it… in bucket loads! True, I still might kick and sulk a little when I’m required to demonstrate that particular skill – but there is no question. I can do it, and when necessary, it’s something that I’ve found can be exceptionally useful. Funny, don’t you think, since there are many times I can remember when I couldn’t possibly have imagined the value of patience!

And this is what brings me on to the theme I’d like to explore today. That is the one of finding hidden gifts when they’re not expected. The subject of expecting one thing and receiving something else. The topic of judging a book by its’ cover – and often picking up the wrong novel as a result!

What am I talking about? Well, I’m talking about what happens when we re-examine our own judgment and open up to the idea of possibilities that perhaps didn’t exist before. I’m talking about those exquisite moments when we think everything’s going wrong, but then all of a sudden it turns out that it was all for the best. The times when, despite careful planning or judgments, things just don’t go our way and we fear that we are doomed. Those same times when contrary to what we thought was good for us, there was an even better solution just sitting there waiting in the wings.

Fascinating Friends

I’ve been discussing this subject with friends this week. Friends who, by the way, I would never have had the opportunity to meet or make a connection with while I was married. Friends who are quirky and colourful. Friends who could possibly be described as a bit odd-ball. Friends who are genuine, open, honest and – most importantly – are comfortable in their own skin, and comfortable with me as well.

This week one of those precious friends took time out to drive me for three hours so that I could visit an old friend I hadn’t seen for many years. Sometimes it just happens that way. You have a close bond with someone and then somehow, for no apparent reason, you drift out of each other’s lives. Sometimes you never see that person again. Other times you may be lucky enough to pick up with them again further down the road. And if you’re really lucky, you find that bond is still there as if you only saw each other yesterday. Well, that’s what happened with this particular friend of mine last week. This was a friend I used to work with years ago. Early on, she and I became firm friends and loved sharing each other’s company both in and outside of work. It must be said that neither of us have had what could be called a straightforward life. We both understand what it means to overcome a number of life’s challenges and how it feels to be seen as someone ‘different’… as a result there was rarely a subject of conversation that was taboo. We could be equally happy exploring life philosophies as creasing up in fits of giggles over something utterly ridiculous – much to the amusement of those around us!

This friend of mine, I’ll call her Jane, has recently been diagnosed with a particularly nasty strain of cancer. I knew I just had to go and see her, even though nearly a decade had passed since we last saw each other. Arriving at her house – at the end of a particularly amusing and erratic car journey – it was wonderful to see her again after so many years. Smiling and giggling like teenagers, the friendly banter started almost immediately and the years melted away.

She’s feisty, strong, direct, and also incredibly brave. She always has been. But to see her last week, in the grip of a terrible disease that is slowly claiming her life, in my eyes she became the most beautiful I’ve ever seen her before. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting. I suppose that, since the death of my own mother from cancer, I was bracing myself for the worst. I suppose I was expecting to find someone who was either carrying on as if nothing was happening, or who was so sick that we wouldn’t be able to talk. I don’t know. But I do know that what I found was something that has touched me deeply and made me even more grateful that my life has been filled with so many wonderful people.

Facing The Truth

“I’m dying you know, Melanie” she said, fixing me straight in the eyes without a hint of distress “this cancer, it’s killing me. I’m going to die. But it’s ok. I’ve made peace, and I’m ok with it” Jane is one of the only people who call me by my full name, and as she addressed me I felt an incredible wave of love and compassion flowing between us. There was no hiding to be done. No judgments to be made. No good, no bad – just the truth. And, harsh though the truth may be, at the same time it was liberating. There was no pretense. Nothing to explain. And no room for embarrassment. Nothing but love, understanding and acceptance. Beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.

It’s very similar to the feeling I have when I hear other people sharing their experiences with sociopaths or any other kind of abusive relationship. When they finally say “yes, it happened to me as well” or “I am broken inside, but I know I’ll get better” or “I have to break free, I just haven’t yet found the right way to do it”. Just like my friend Jane, these are all statements of the truth – and many of them are statements that most people wouldn’t imagine could apply to the people saying or writing the words. People who are expected to be strong. People who are judged to be clever and successful. People who, as many thoughtless critics are quick to say“should have known better” when the truth comes out. People like you and me, who look perfectly normal on the outside, but who share a common bond of suffering that I believe ultimately allows us to become more understanding, complete and whole as human beings. It’s a bond that allows us to say “yes, I’ve been there seen it and got the T-shirt – and you know what? I made it. So come on, let me help you to make it as well”

And I don’t know about you, but for me I regard that as an astonishingly valuable gift. If I can reach out and give something to another human being… If I can give even a glimmer of hope to someone who is suffering… If I can make contact with just one other person and help them in some way… well, then all the rubbish times have been worth it. OK, at the time it all may have hurt like hell, and there is absolutely no way I could have said that what was happening to me was a gift. No way at all… In fact I’d probably have punched anyone who might have dared to put that idea forward! But now, now that I look back at where I was and who I was, and compare it with my life today… well, I can honestly hold my hand to my heart and be grateful for the gifts that have been given to me. This is what I mean by judging a book by its cover. My experiences with my ex, and also my difficult childhood have all brought me a barrow-load of pain and suffering. But at the same time, they’ve made me who I am, and brought me in contact with a wealth of wonderful people – friends and colleagues as well as audiences who seem to identify with what I have to say.

Could I have done that if I hadn’t been given the opportunity to grow and develop through difficult times? Well, I don’t know. It would be great to think that I could have become the ‘me’ of today without all that rubbish… but I have a sneaky suspicion that I was born one of those stubborn students who need to have lessons spelled out loud and clear… so perhaps not eh?

And as for Jane, well, last week she gave me the greatest gift of all. She showed me that it’s ok. That it is indeed possible to face death squarely and bravely, with peace and courage. And I am deeply grateful that she’s my friend and that she’s back in my life – however long that might be. As I said to her when I left, “I’ll be back you know, because I know where you live!” And as she said to me in return “I’ll always be with you, wherever you are”

I’ve discovered that really, at the end of it all, love and friendship are the only things that matter. These are the things that hold true. Everything else is just a passing phase.

Thank you and with love and blessings to all my friends here on Lovefraud.

Original link on Lovefraud here

Lovefraud: Dancing With Myself

It’s Valentines Day today – a day that, I’m quite sure, can generate bittersweet memories for many. If I choose to think about this festival only in association with the traditional interpretations of cupid, love, relationships, romance and all that entails then yes, I could indeed become sad and morbid myself. I might be tempted to dwell on the past and mourn the ‘what if’ scars that are the war wounds I usually wear with pride. It’s even possible that I might even fall in to the trap of once again berating myself for allowing myself to be duped…

Associations. Thoughts. Patterns. Behaviours. These are all fascinating tools that I honestly believe are here with an intention to serve us well – but that somehow often threaten to lead us a merry dance, unless we keep a check on what’s happening. Unless we stay aware of the results we’re getting. Unless we stay honest with ourselves about what is acceptable and supportive, and what is not.

This morning I received a lovely email from a friend who has been a massive positive influence in my life over the past couple of years. She wrote to wish me a Happy Valentine’s Day, saying that she thought the occasion should be “all about telling everybody that you love, that you do!” And it made me smile. Because, once again, here was proof that love exists in so many ways – and that for me in any case, the love I have found outside of the romantic love I had valued so highly, has proven to be stronger, deeper, mightier and more fulfilling than I could possibly have imagined while I was still trapped in the façade I so desperately wanted to believe was ‘true love’.

Musical Movement

And I believe that my friend is right. I think that Valentines is about so much more than just the traditional celebration of couples. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t celebrate romantic love – I’m just saying that there is so much more to love that everyone can celebrate, regardless of who they are or what their relationship status.

Last night I was chatting with a French friend of mine who introduced me to a saying I had never heard before. We were talking about the perfectly normal difficulties associated with families, friends and work colleagues. We shared past experiences of letting people know when we had been upset, and what steps we took to protect the feelings of the other person in the process. The conversation continued, both of us describing more embarrassing moments, until we both ended up laughing and he said “On ne pas savoir sur quel pied danser!”which literally means “you don’t know which foot to dance on!” I thought it was a delightful expression that more or less says the same thing as our own saying “walking on eggshells” – which he found equally amusing.

And I began to think about dancing and dancers, and how delightful and varied they can be. The ballet dancer. The break dancer. Line dancing. Ballroom dancing. Latin. Spanish. Rhythm. Contemporary. Modern. Hiphop. Swing…. The possibilities are endless. As are the people who can choose to take part. Old and young, rich and poor, happy and sad, fast and slow…. It doesn’t matter. We all have our rhythm and we’re all part of this dance of life.

Yes, some of us may have two left feet – my ex always took great delight in telling me that I had no rhythm. For years, whenever we were at a party I would be the one glued to my seat while everyone was dancing and having fun. But you know what? I’ve learned that it doesn’t matter. We’re not here to dance for anyone else, or to anyone else’s tune. I believe that we’re here to dance for ourselves – for the love of our own life. Then, and only then can we share and spread that love with others. Rhythm or no rhythm, I have slowly learned to let myself dance for myself. I’ve learned to listen to my song. To find my beat. To let myself just “be” – without any criticism or blame, either from myself or others. There have been many evenings over the past couple of years when, alone and at home, I have cranked up the music and danced like nobody was watching – because of course they weren’t.

Freedom… And Gratitude

Let me tell you, it certainly didn’t come naturally to me! I was acutely embarrassed at first, but I didn’t understand why. In the early days I couldn’t move at all. I remember just standing there, twitching my fingers, hanging my head, and keeping my feet firmly placed on the floor. And when at last I finally did start to sway with the music, I couldn’t open my eyes. Then slowly slowly I started loosening up and as I did, I would find myself singing along with the music. As I sang louder, my movements became bigger. And as I lost my inhibitions, I stopped judging myself – and just let myself go. It was an extraordinarily liberating experience for me!

On one such occasion, I suddenly caught my reflection in the window. At first, though, I didn’t recognise myself. Because there, in front of my eyes, was… a dancer. OK, maybe not a professional or even an amateur performer, but there was no mistaking that the reflection in the window was moving smoothly and in time to the music. And, more to the point, that person was smiling and happy. That moment, although it may seem a minor thing, was a major revelation for me. I stood there, blinking. Shocked at the recognition of the free-flowing joyful person weaving her dance and so clearly lost in the moment. And all of a sudden the scales fell from my eyes. All of a sudden I realised that I had been judging myself as worthless and clumsy. That even though my ex had vanished from my life a good while earlier, I had still been carrying the memories of his judgments. I remember shouting at my reflection as fury, tears, relief, gratitude and a whole heap of other emotions exploded out of me

“It’s not true!” I shouted, fists clenched as alternately I hugged myself and punched at the air “It’s NOT true! I’m NOT useless… I CAN dance… I CAN, I CAN, I CAN!”  And yes,  in case you’re wondering, there are many times when I’m deeply grateful that I live in such a rural location – I’m not sure that neighbours would have been quite so understanding of my enthusiastically noisy revelations!

Back to the French saying about not knowing which foot to dance on. I think it’s a crying shame that so many of us here have had to experience such sadness and pain. My heart continues to go out to everyone who has been or is still in any kind of unhealthy relationship – yes, including an unhealthy relationship with themselves. I know I was one of those people. But you know what? I also understand that at the time, I did the very best I could with the comprehension and information that was available to me.

I may not have known which foot to dance on, and I may have been afraid of making a mistake or seeming foolish. But when I pushed things away, kept quiet and carried on regardless, I was doing those things to keep safe – or so I thought at the time. Does that make me wrong? No, I don’t think so. We don’t know what we don’t know, so I cannot sit in judgement about the errors of my ways.

What I can do now, though, is to be grateful for what I now realise. I can be grateful for what I’ve learned and who I’ve become. I can be grateful that I now know the difference between supportive and destructive behaviour. I can be grateful, also, that I now have the courage to make healthy choices. To top it all, as I’ve said before, I can also be grateful for my time with my ex. It may have been a façade to him – but for me it was real, and I’ve grown beyond recognition as a result.

So, Happy Valentines Day to you, ex-mate…. My dance with you was poisoned and awkward. Now I’m dancing with myself and with love – and with so many more beautiful people than I could ever have possibly imagined before.

Love and blessings to all here on Lovefraud – let’s keep dancing together.

Original link to Lovefraud here

Lovefraud: The Ducking Stool

This week I’m inspired to write after receiving a distressing email from a friend of mine on Saturday night. This particular friend of mine is, like all of us here, someone who knows what it’s like to be conned and manipulated. Like so many of us, she struggled to make sense of what had happened – the explanations coming just as hard to herself as to her friends and family. Particularly, of course, those who had known her sociopathic husband and had also been taken in by his charming lies.

This particular lady, though, rather than hide herself away or hope things would just disappear, instead decided to write a book about her experiences. Now translated in to several languages, her story has helped and inspired people all around the world. To this day she continues to receive emails and letters thanking her for speaking out and giving others the courage to break free. To this day she also works tirelessly to help others understand the threat of the ‘everyday’ sociopaths who live among us. And to this day she still remains baffled as to how some people continue to be so judgemental about her situation – people who, it’s quite clear, choose to pass criticism from a point of ignorance. Because for all of us here who know what it’s like, we understand the torture. We understand the diminishing self-esteem. We understand the manipulation. And we understand how difficult it is to explain to others. Whereas other people don’t – yet they seem compelled to share their hurtful words and opinions.

My friend is Mary Turner Thomson – she is a huge supporter of this site, and you’ll find her story in the blog section. Her book “The Bigamist” is a best-seller and at the end of last year it outsold every other Random House e-book in the USA. It’s a huge achievement and I believe it goes to show how relevant her story is today.

Amazon.com

So what prompted her to send me an email on Saturday night? She had been made aware of a comment that had been placed on Amazon.com regarding her story, and it had cut her to the quick. This is what it says:

“Although i found it a little repetitive and long-winded in parts, the story was still compelling and should be compulsory reading for anyone in an abusive/manipulating relationship or in the dating scene. Having said that, I’m still finding it hard to believe that this story is true! Yes, you can be blinded by love, conned etc but to have a man who works for the government and has no money for food?? Who year after year comes up with dire, life-threatening reasons for urgent large amounts of cash?? To never actually meet any of his family in 6 years?? 6 YEARS OF THIS?? I found it eye-opening and informative but at the same time I found it almost impossible to feel any kind of empathy for this daft, gullible woman. I’m sorry but anyone that stupid for that long is just asking to be taken for a ride….it’s just plain sad. And to liken it to the abuse suffered by rape and molestation victims in terms of not being ashamed to speak up…pfft…there is no choice in rape or molestation, whereas the author did have a choice and more or less allowed herself to be a victim…and that IS shameworthy.”

I know for a fact that her story is true. I also know that her ex, Will Jordan, is still at large in the USA and is still spinning the same tales and entrapping more women in similar situations – it seems that “the powers that be” have no power to stop him. I know as well that Mary has offered support, guidance and friendship to his subsequent victims, who have tracked her down as a result of reading her book. She also helped me in the early days – openly, honestly and with love, although at the time I was a stranger and she had no reason to trust me or welcome me in to her life. I am now proud to call her my friend.

So far as I’m concerned, that kind of behaviour demonstrates that Mary is far from being a person who could be described as  ‘a willing victim’. Far from it. She is feisty, sassy, accomplished, independent and (as I’m sure you can guess) one of those lovely people who just likes sharing and giving to others. Is that such a crime…?

Armchair experts and a baying crowd of critics can swap allegiance and have their opinions swayed by the smallest of changes. And yet these easily influenced people can sometimes hold the power between life and death. Remember the gladiators in the Roman Colosseum? The crowd’s chants could pressure the emperor’s thumbs up or down – the life of a man quite literally hanging in the balance.

Ignorance Is Bliss…?

Now, I’m all for people having an opinion – of course! What saddens me, though, is when a damning criticism is forthcoming from the basis of ignorance. It tells me how much further we have to go in order to educate people against the dangers of psychopaths and sociopaths among us. Yes, of course I understand that for those people who have never been entrapped, the story we have to tell can seem unbelievable. But that’s because, as we know, they’ve never been there.  As I’ve said many times before, it’s because as a human race we tend to judge others by ourselves – we see things not as they are but as we are.

That’s how a charming, manipulative, ruthless sociopath can keep ‘normal’ trusting people in their clutches. As we know from personal experience, it is not the ‘stupid’ or ‘gullible’ people who are targeted. Yes, OK, once it’s all out in the open we might beat ourselves up and think we must have been naive  (“how could I have been so blind? How could I have been such a dunce?”) but that is a natural reaction from anyone who’s been a victim. I was told by a physiotherapist that this is the common response from people who’ve been in an accident. Guilt, shame and self-beat up – as if they could have done anything about it in the first place!

I know how hard it is to speak out. I understand how painful the process is to step back, reassess and make sense of what happened – whilst also maintaining a level of personal dignity, and eventually finding self-esteem and confidence. I also know how much those of us who do choose to put our head above the parapet after such an experience can indeed help others to pull through. I also understand that by doing so, we are opening ourselves up for criticism and blame.

In some cases it feels a little to me like the Ducking Stool favoured in britain during the middle-ages – have you heard of this? In the days where women were hunted down for being witches, a crowd would tie the accused in a chair that they’d then hold over water – the village pond or similar. The poor creature would then be ducked under the water to find out whether or not she was indeed a witch. If she didn’t drown it was perfectly clear that she was a witch. So she’d be taken off and burned at the stake on the grounds that they had proof of her satanic powers. If on the other hand she did drown, well then she obviously wasn’t a witch so they’d made a mistake. Oops! Damned if you do, damned if you don’t eh?

I Salute You

Well, in a way, you could say the same about all of us here who are choosing to speak out – in whatever format we may choose. We’re once again holding ourselves up for public judgement – often by those armchair critics I mentioned earlier, who judge from a place of ignorance. Harsh words may sting, and pointing fingers may hurt… But you know what? I reckon it’s worth it. Because for every badly informed comment or response, there are many more who I know benefit from shared experiences.

The Ducking Stool may be an ancient relic, but the ignorant and fearful critics remain. That’s ok. Because little by little we can help to educate them about these dangers – and hopefully save them from having to experience it for themselves before, like us, they can fully understand what it means to be trapped by a sociopath. It’s easy to point the finger at those who stand up and speak out – and Mary, my friend, remember just how many thousands of people you are helping, just by being who you are.  There is nothing’ shameworthy’ in what you did then, nor in what you continue to do now. I for one salute you.

There has been a picture quote doing the rounds among my Facebook friends this week, and I thought it would be relevant to share it here: “Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you”

With love and blessings to all here at Lovefraud – I salute you too. Because without you, there would be many more people (myself included) who might never have discovered the truth. Thank you.

Original link on Lovefraud here

Lovefraud: Shame And Silence

There has been a story in the UK news this week that touched my heart. It’s a story of a ruthless abuser who controlled, abused and manipulated their partner. Sounds familiar?  Two years of mental, emotional and financial cruelty, the physical injuries alone resulted in the need for corrective surgery. The attacks included bleach sprayed in the eyes. Lit cigarettes up the nose. Fractured skull. Cracked ribs. Repeated scalding with an iron and boiling water and attacks with a claw hammer. And yet even after all that ill-treatment, the victim has not lost faith in finding another partner. These are the touching words that reached out to me and brought tears to my eyes:

“It’s going to be difficult when I meet someone who doesn’t understand what I’ve been through. They will no doubt ask about my scars, and I’m not going to lie. My fear is that they’ll wonder what I did to deserve it…”

Prior to the relationship, this person was a successful professional. After the relationship this same person was left homeless, penniless and living in the grip of crippling fear. Trapped in the silence by constant threats, the victim says “I felt as though I couldn’t walk away, because she told me she had family who were involved in organized crime who would kill me if I left her. I felt I was trading with my life”

Yes, the reason why this particular story made the headlines was because the abuser was a woman. A small woman at that, standing at just 5ft 1. The victim is a man. A well educated, successful man who, in his ownwords “was brought up well and taught never to hit a woman”. Like so many of us here on this site he had trusted his partner. She took control of his money and ran up debts – another familiar story for so many of us. So the night he finally broke free (after a worried friend tipped off the police) he found himself staying in a shelter for the homeless – where he stayed for the next 18 months. Looking back at that time he says “I didn’t have any money and didn’t know where to go or what to do. I was petrified walking the streets, as I was paranoid her brothers were going to come and kill me. As it turns out, they didn’t exist. But I didn’t know that at the time”

It Can Happen To Anyone

The gentleman in question is called Ian McNicholl. He took the brave decision to speak out but as he says “I can completely understand why some men will feel embarrassed speaking out…. The massive problem is that men are not seen as victims.”

It’s deeply moving stuff and my heart reaches out to this man. I feel for him on many levels. Firstly because I know how hard it is to come to terms with betrayal and emotional abuse. Unlike this man, though, I never (thank goodness) had to also endure physical torture.

Secondly because I know from experience how difficult it is to explain to others what has happened. I know what it feels like to answer questions that are meant to help, but that actually cause more pain “Why didn’t you do something earlier? How did you not notice? Why didn’t you just get away?” Of course, we all know it’s not that easy, and it hurts like hell when those close to us don’t seem able to understand.  It was tough enough for me – but I reckon that for this man he must have faced even bigger barriers because, as he says, men are “not supposed to be victims”

On closer inspection, I found that this kind of story is far from unusual. I read another article that said according to recent British Crime Survey statistics, a third of domestic violence victims are male. That’s at least 400,00 men a year in the UK alone. Another anonymous male victim says :

“Did I say anything to anyone? Or leave her? No, I didn’t. For, like thousands of other male victims of domestic violence, I was mortally ashamed of what was happening to me. I made light of what was happening, even though it robbed me of my confidence and self-esteem. After all, I was a man. How could I be a victim of someone nearly half my size?”

I know it was hard enough for me to break free and share my story with sympathetic friends. I felt the burning shame, the twisting guilt and recoiled at my own head-bangingly stupid blindness – all of those feelings that most of us here know only far too well. But I was lucky. Because as soon as the truth came out I was encouraged to talk. The anonymous gentleman goes on to say: “…embarrassed I’d put up with I for so long, I didn’t tell many about the experience.”

Who Can Handle The Truth?

The shame runs deep. But I still believe it’s the silence that is a killer. Simon and Garfunkle put it very succinctly when they sang “silence like a cancer grows”. The silence can come from anywhere. We remain silent because we hold on to the hope that it will all be alright. Friends remain silent because they don’t like to interfere. Society remains silent because, in many cases, it’s just too horrible a truth for people to acknowledge.

The truth that yes, there are “bad people” out there. The truth that those caught in an oppressive relationship are trapped because they are good people – not because they are stupid, blind, or did something to deserve it. The idea that daylight imprisonment can and is going on right in front of our noses – and that others can do little or nothing to help.

Hmmmm….. Or can they….? I’m becoming more and more convinced that we can do a whole heap about this. I believe that the more we educate people about the reality of predators among us, the more we can stand up and do something about it. Because surely, the more that people can learn to trust gut instincts (we all have them) and the more we can act as a result, the more people can learn how to identify a threat and protect themselves accordingly. At the moment, sociopaths can more easily hide in a society that could arguably be said is psychopathic in its’ structure.

What do I mean? I mean the accepted (encouraged?) focus on greed, competition, looking out for number one, and the glib use of the phrase “it’s not personal you know!” All these go against our natural instincts.  They encourage us to toughen up and hide our feelings. They encourage us to ignore our own internal sat-nav system that’s there for our own protection – for fear that we’re making a fuss? That we’re wrong? That it’s a storm in a teacup? That really – who are we to judge anyway? Better to put on a brave face and carry on regardless.

Well no, I don’t think it is. Too often (particularly in the corporate environment) I hear what I call the business babble of false words, double-speak and turning a blind eye. People carry on and ignore the fact that they are suffering. Until something happens…

Here’s a great example. I was working with a board of directors. To say they were dysfunctional is an understatement. There was much finger pointing and whispering behind closed doors, but no direct or honest conversations. The blame was placed squarely at the feet of one particular person – their boss. A lady who, it was deemed, was ‘beyond help’ – the archetypal corporate bully who was so emotionally detached from her team, they felt helpless and depressed. It was during a group session that something changed. The boss was away doing ‘important things’ so could not attend the session. All of a sudden, one small, quiet voice spoke out:“We may not be able to change HER, but we CAN change how we respond to her” he said “we all know when she does something mean or wrong, but we’ve kept quiet about it. Now it’s out in the open. Now we’ve all acknowledged what she’s like. So now it’s time for us to stick together and just say no. It’s our duty – to ourselves and to our teams”

A few seconds of shocked silence was followed by smiles, nods and an impromptu round of applause, and a few misty eyes as well. Something had happened. The group had acknowledged that something was wrong. They’d reclaimed their power and decided to stop letting the bad stuff happen.

The silence was broken. They’d spoken out. And now they were working together. That boss could never again hold them in such a stranglehold – her time was over, and theirs had just begun.

Original link on Lovefraud here

Lovefraud: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

This week I’ve been inspired by another motivational quote that I hadn’t seen for a while:

”What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

And it got me thinking. Looking back over my own experiences of abusive people, I realize that I believed words over actions. That because the things they were doing were so divorced from the story I was being told, I decided that I must have misunderstood. It must be me who is misinterpreting the situation. It must be because I’m giving out mixed messages. Heck, perhaps it’s just that I’m asking too much – perhaps I just need to be grateful for what I have and be more understanding of the other person’s point of view?

When I was wrapped-up and trapped in the warped relationship that I believed was real love, I hadn’t realized quite how much I was enabling the situation by my own excuses or blinkered outlook. I sometimes wonder how much earlier I might have broken free if I’d actually given myself more credit and prodded harder at the smiling façade that masked the bitter truth.

Who Am I To Judge…?
By the way, I’m not saying that I blame myself, nor am I saying that I think I was wrong. Far from it, in actual fact. As I said in a previous post, we can only judge situations and people by what we already know – we see things not as they are but as we are. That’s why, in my opinion, we excuse and brush aside negative behaviours and situations that from a realistic perspective are absolutely not ok.

For me, I know that I would regularly dismiss warning signs that something was wrong. “It’s alright” I’d say to myself, ”s/he didn’t mean to upset me. S/he doesn’t know any better – and anyway, nobody’s perfect, right? Who am I to judge?” I’d then pour more love and compassion on the situation, and inadvertently play right in to the path of more damage.

Yes, like so many of us, I hold my hand up, because now I understand that I was a willing victim. I played my part to perfection “Bravo Mel, compelling performance, encore!” And I’d continue to perfect my role of blissfully happy and in-love, whilst at the same time unknowingly building my own façade and continuing to lose myself along the way.

In the early days after the truth came to light, I blamed myself for so many things – veering from broken-hearted disbelief “What happened? When did I lose him? How could I have shown more love?” to the coldly self-critical “Why couldn’t I see what was going on right under my nose? I must be stupid!”
It’s taken a long time, and a huge amount of determination to work through the questions and re-connect with myself. And it’s been worth it. Because now I understand what was happening. I understand that in healthy relationships, other people’s actions do indeed speak louder than words. I also understand that a sociopath on the other hand can use such a barrage of flowery and compelling arguments, that it becomes nigh on impossible to see the wood for the trees!

Listen And Feel
And at the same time, with the benefit of hindsight and distance, I now recognize that I had another action-related guidance system I could have consulted that would always have told me the truth of the situation. And that was the feelings that were within me. The shivers down my spine when I saw his flashes of anger. The twist in my stomach when plans suddenly changed at the last moment. The tiredness behind my eyes when once again I couldn’t make sense of a situation. Those clues, those ‘actions’ were all there. But, instead of going within for answers, instead I’d check outside of myself to understand what was happening. Each time I’d voice my concerns, or ask questions – and each time the confident responses would flow out. Easily, effortlessly, and with what seemed like a perfectly logical situation. Each time those responses would be sealed with a Judas-kiss, or a squeeze on the shoulders, or those well-used words “Come on, you know I love you, it’s you and me against the world!” and the accompanying look of pity that made me feel I must be stupid.

I remember searching for physical signs that I was being told the truth – after all, I worked in the field of human behaviours, so accurately reading the non-verbal clues that show themselves in any communication was my profession, right? Hmmmm…. wrong. Because now, of course, I realise that the sociopath is a pathological liar. They can reason with any number of untruths – no matter how far fetched – and make the story so compelling that they are believed. And, because they demonstrate none of the usual non-verbal signs of a liar, there is no way of gauging the truth behind the words that are being spoken. So in the case of dealing with a sociopath, there will be no supporting ‘actions’ to determine whether the story is a true fact or a deliberate web of lies. And that was where I allowed myself to be scuppered – time and time again. I was looking for the physical responses (nervousness, sweating, tiny changes of expression, eye movements – all the things I’d studied for years and knew so well) and when none were apparent, I concluded that I’d made a mistake. And so would start, once again, my internal criticism and determination to be more loving and less judgmental.

Let’s just get clear here. The truth was there all along. Because the actions I could have been taking notice of were my own internal responses. Those were the actions that spoke louder than words. Those were the signs I could have believed. But at the time I had no comprehension that anyone could possibly tell bare-faced lies without displaying some kind of unconscious signal associated with lying. Equally, of course, I had no comprehension of psychopaths.

I said that one of my automatic responses used to be “Who am I to judge?” Well, in actual fact, who am I NOT to judge? What gave me the right to put myself down, to banish my intuition, to shut up and put up when, as I now know, there were so many things I could have done when faced with an unhealthy situation! But at the time, well, I didn’t know what I didn’t know – so like all of us, I did the very best I could.

Yes, hindsight and distance has brought me a wisdom I didn’t possess when I most needed it. I guess my intention in this post is to pass on what I’ve learned – because had I known then what I know now, I’m convinced that I would have paid far more attention to the warning signals that showed themselves time and time again through my own senses. I would have known, beyond question, that what was happening was notok. I would also have realised that I was dealing with something that was totally alien, and that I’d be wise to seek out and learn as much as I could from others who ‘knew’ before planning my next moves.

I now believe that it was my naivety that played a big part in keeping me trapped. Because these days, even the slightest flutter within alerts me to the fact that something is not right. These days I take action to support my internal guidance. These days I pay much more attention to the non-verbal messages that my body transmits any time I choose to tune in. These days I’ve learned that they are always right, even though they may seem at first to be misplaced. As a result I’m delighted to be surrounded by a set of healthier relationships than I’ve ever experienced before.

And the bottom line is that the buck stops here. With me. Because, if I don’t learn to listen to and look after myself, well nobody else is going to do it for me – because if I don’t practice self-compassion, I won’t even be able to notice it in others, let alone accept it!

It’s taken time, patience, and a whole heap of gently saying “ssshhh!” when words have threatened to create too much distraction – my own or those of other people. As a result I’m now convinced more than ever that actions really do speak louder than words. I’d believed it to be true for many years – but now, though, there’s a small but critical difference in my understanding. That difference is my focus on which actions to believe; only those of others, or also those of myself? Those tiny internal responses that always speak the truth above anything else…

And you know what? The warm happy feeling that’s rising inside me right now as I finish this post, tells me that I’m indeed on the right track 

Original link on Lovefraud here

Lovefraud: Chain Reactions

It’s been another interesting week for me with a good few ‘ah-ha’ moments sprinkled in along the way. So this week I decided to write about how we are influenced as well as how we influence others and ourselves. First off, I’m wondering how many of you have seen the Skype Laughter Chain on Youtube?

The description below it says “Laughter brings us closer together – it’s a language we all understand. It’s also contagious..” and it was made by filming peoples’ reactions as they watched other people laughing. My son introduced it to me at Christmas, and since then I’ve watched it over and over as I continue to share it with friends. And you know what? Each time I can’t help but start giggling within seconds of it starting, and I always end up laughing out loud – even though I’ve seen it all before!

And so it got me thinking. And I started wondering about how just one thought or direction can influence us and how, if we choose where to focus, we can change our mood in just a few moments. The laughter-chain example is, of course, a positive influencer – and one I highly recommend to brighten up your day. On the other side though, (as all of us here know) we can also be influenced by negative messages. It’s the same physical process, but in these instances I believe a better label is ‘manipulation’ rather than influence.

The Inner Spiral

Sadly, we all know how it feels to be told or have it implied that we’re not good enough. We know the pain. We understand the shame. And I guess most of us are also familiar with the spiral of doubt and fear that is then triggered inside? For me it was a familiar feeling – and because it was so familiar, I would slip in to it easily and effortlessly, adding my own internal critic to whatever judgments I felt were coming at me from the outside.“Foolish girl,” I’d curse in my head “you shouldn’t have done that! You should have known it would only cause trouble!” It was a subconscious reaction, and while the criticism burrowed in to eat away at my self-esteem, I kept the painted smile on my face in an attempt to mask my pain.

But of course the pain didn’t go away. In fact it got worse, as I continued to allow ‘bad things’ to worm their way in and take hold on my self-image. When I was still a child, after my parents died, I regularly received the message that I was worthless. That somehow I was to blame, and that I’d never amount to anything. As I grew up I worked to counteract those damaging messages and learned how to feel good about myself. When, many years later it finally dawned on me that I was being subjected to the exact same manipulation by the man I called my soulmate, well then I just knew I had to find a way to break free and heal.

It is said that we don’t know what we don’t know – so ok, if we don’t understand that we’re being controlled and manipulated well, then that’s all there is to it. We just don’t know. But surely, once we’re aware of what’s happening, whilst we may not immediately know the answer, it must stand to reason therefore that we can decide to do something about it? Doesn’t it? Equally, surely the seeds of strength, the beginning of reclaiming our power, must lie purely in that decision alone? Because as human beings, once we settle on something, our minds can’t help but start searching for ways in which to achieve our resolve.

Now then, I am not naive or insensitive enough to suggest that just by deciding to do something that our situation will instantly change. Of course not. I understand that there is no simple solution for escaping the grips of any abusive kind of situation. I’ve been there too many times to know that it takes focus, courage and determination to make lasting changes. And as I’ve said before, I know the ensuing journey can be fraught with challenges along the way.

One Thought At A Time

What I am saying, though, is that it is always within our power to create some kind of positive improvement in our experiences – no matter what the situation or difficulty we’re facing. And I’m also saying that, with consistent practice, we can eventually create new habits that serve to support us and eventually help us break free.

I remember in the early days (not long after I discovered the meaning of the word ‘sociopath’ in actual fact) I was standing in my kitchen, holding on to the sink for dear life while my body shuddered with painful sobs. Confused, hurt, and still trying to understand where I had gone wrong, a fleeting thought suddenly entered my head. I had read an article on Lovefraud earlier on that day, and it went along the lines that we can’t ever make sense of their madness. That the void is their problem, not our doing – and with that I pulled myself back, stood up straight, and declared out loud “this is not my fault! It never was!” and with that I got up and searched out some defiant music. Around that time Pink’s “So What” became a firm favourite…!

It only took that one thought. That one fleeting realization, to cause a chain reaction of similar thoughts that led me to seek out the music. And once the music was on, I started jumping round the kitchen, punching the air with my fists and singing (well, shouting!) at the top of my voice. And boy did I feel better!

Did it mean that I’d solved my problems? No, of course it didn’t.. Nor did it mean that all my difficulties miraculously disappeared. But what it did mean was that in those few moments I felt better – and right then, that was all that mattered.

And you know what? As I’ve moved forward and continued my healing journey, I’ve come to realize that how I feel is really all that matters. Because when I feel good, I know I can stand up against anyone or anything that threatens me or those close to me. When I feel good, I can also give more love and kindness to people I care about. When I feel good, I can get on and secure business deals and widen my network.

So yes, these days perhaps more than ever, I am still acutely conscious about the thoughts and decisions that effect my day. I may not always be able to blast out music, and it may not always be appropriate to dance around shouting at the top of my voice. But even if I can’t do it in person, I can always imagine it – and there is no person and no situation that can ever stop my imagination.

Even in public – a crowded tube, a busy supermarket or even a silent library for example – it makes no difference. Because my thoughts and imagination are just that… mine. They belong to me and nobody else. So, no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I can choose to create a party in my head… and guaranteed it will soon make me smile. And then… guess what… my smile may then be seen by somebody else who will also smile… and then their smile may be noticed by someone else… How’s that for a chain reaction?

I happen to believe that any of us here can help to positively influence ourselves and others along the journey to healing after the devastation created by sociopathic personalities. We’ve all been there, seen it and got the T-shirt – many of us are still battling to break free. And right here on this site, we’re in exactly the right place to share, to mend and eventually to become whole again.

A huge thank you to Donna for having the foresight and courage to create this site in the first place, and a massive TOWANDA to everyone who has found their way here. Because now we’re all part of our own chain reaction to heal and reclaim who we really are.

Original link on Lovefraud here