Slippery Little Suckers

So here it is. Just when I thought I'd surely got to the bottom of things and found out all there was to know about myself... well along comes another hidden driver that had been hiding away for all those years. Something that has been ruling my life in a way I simply did not recognise. Something that, I now believe, is dissolving - because I've found it you see. I've acknowledged it. Finally I noticed what was there - something that for years has been asking for acceptance and was doing everything it could to get my attention.

So what am I referring to? What am I talking about? Well, tons of stuff has written about this subject, and there are many different opinions and labels for the thing I'm talking about, which is, essentially, a deeply held pattern or belief that drives the way we act. Some people talk about unconscious beliefs. Some speak of childhood patterning. Others mention karma. Others still tell us about previous life experiences that follow us in order to be cleared. Me? I'm choosing to call them parts of ourselves that have been longing for acceptance. Parts of ourselves that are so deeply engrained in our psyche that we don't even stop to think about them - or the effect they have on our experiences. Until they finally cause us to sit up and take notice. I call that healing.

It's like this you see. As you already know, the past 18-plus months have been a time of reflection and growth for me. Relentless shocks, setbacks and tests that have pushed me to become more than I was before. Experiences which, now, I can totally accept as gifts. I may not have had any conscious control over what was happening to me, but I sure had conscious control over how I chose to respond. I could either sink or swim. Give up or get up. They say that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger - well, I sure am lots stronger than I've ever been before. And calmer. More peaceful. More understanding. So, you see, I got my wish - to grow as a person. To become all I could possibly be. I guess that perhaps, though, I've just been one of those particularly stubborn and wise-cracking students who can only learn these things the hard way eh?

Anyway, so all that said and done, it hit me really hard this week to discover I felt down and depressed. Yes, I've been working myself hard - and it's paying off. Yes, I'm still fighting battles - and slowly winning the war. And yes, as a result I've achieved a colossal amount over the past few months. So, OK, yes, it would be perfectly acceptable for me to feel tired. But this was more than tired. I felt absolutely exhausted. Physically, emotionally and spiritually.

So when I received some less than positive news at the beginning of the week, I found myself spiraling out of control and in to self-doubt. Blurred focus, nagging voices in my head, and the overwhelming feeling that I just wasn't good enough. That I was about to be found out as a fraud. That despite my best intentions I just couldn't hack it. That people were laughing at me behind my back. And anyway, who did I think I was kidding?

During coaching sessions I talk regularly about pushing comfort zones. Encouraging people to move out of the familiar and in to stretch - but rather than stretch, it seemed I'd moved myself in to total panic! I knew I was in a mess, and I also knew this wasn't "me" - that all these thoughts were delusional, unfounded and totally unwarranted. But I sure as heck felt trapped and worthless - even after everything I've already achieved! So something had to be done.

First of all I went down my normal tried and tested route. I pulled myself back and away from the situation, found a change of scenery and started noting all the good things I've achieved. Work is piling in - check. Last week I facilitated two life-changing coaching sessions - check. My status in France is now confirmed - check. I am surrounded by wonderful friends and family who I love and who love me - check. I have a beautiful home - check. I'm looking and feeling pretty good - check. Yup. Did all of that and more, but still I felt drained, useless, and very teary. So what was that all about then?

I knew that somehow, somewhere, I was being given another gift. Another opportunity was presenting itself to me so that I could grow, although it didn't feel much like a gift at the time. I joke sometimes that I'm fed up with all this character building rubbish, and wouldn't it be better to just live my life asleep and unaware? Hell no! This is my choice, and on a soul level I know I'm lucky to have these opportunities.

So I let the tears fall. I let myself feel rotten. I allowed the feelings of despair to pass through my system - without judgement or resistance - and I knew the answer would come. And it did. This time the answer came through my dreams.

I dreamed that I was being offered a precious and ancient gift - funnily enough it was a small glass bottle of perfume (those who know me will tell you about my addiction to lovely smells!). Amber coloured, with beautifully clean lines, the bottle had a simply shaped old-fashioned stopper that perfectly echoed its rounded form. It was offered to me time after time, yet each time I went to take the gift, something went wrong. Either I couldn't open the lid, or the perfume had gone off, or I would drop the bottle. And each time I felt myself getting more and more frustrated, and heard myself apologising for not being able to accept what was being offered to me. And each time that happened I imagined Cam's face grinning at me - grimacing, actually, is a more apt description. Like some kind of malevolent energy, I began to feel his presence wrapping around me, pretending to give warmth but instead choking the life out of my body until I could hardly breath. And then all of a sudden I decided to stop apologising. Forcing a huge breath in to my body, and drawing myself up to my full height, I found my power and screamed out at the top of my voice "NO! I'm not taking this any more! It's NOT my fault! I'm INNOCENT!" And all of a sudden the darkness subsided and instead I was bathed in light - and in that very moment I knew I'd broken the spell.

In the shower the following morning, I noticed that I felt somehow different. Freer than before. Lighter. As though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Standing under the hot running water, I looked up to the ceiling and asked myself what had happened. That's when it all made sense, and I burst out laughing. Guilt. That's what it had been. Guilt. Nothing more, nothing less, but a pattern of guilt I'd carried with me for more years than I care to remember. And as I thought about it more, I saw my life experiences flashing before me - all the times when I'd thought something had been my fault. Times when I'd admonished myself for making mistakes, for failing to put things right - for failing to save the people I love, including myself. I realised that at some level I felt guilty about my father's death. Guilt that I had survived. Guilt that I resented the birth of my sister. Guilt that as a result of my failure I had also lost my mother and failed to look after my sister. Guilt, even, about the way in which I was born - with my arm wrapped around my head, making it a very painful process for my mother. Guilt about some big things as well as some totally minor things - for all these things, being the first to hold my hand up and admit to something that was never my fault in the first place!

I remember one such situation a few years ago while I was on holiday in the Dominican Republic. We'd gone there for Christmas, and I was part of a jolly crowd of people enjoying the Christmas festivities. In my usual enthusiastic way, I'd put my drink down on one of the big glass tables a little too heavily than was necessary. The table smashed in to tiny pieces with an almighty crash. So what did I do? I immediately stood up, waved my hands in the air and shouted out "I did it! It's OK! It's my fault! I'll pay! Let me make it better!"

And you know what? Pay I have, through my own personal guilt-trip. Time and time and time again. For all those episodes where I've assumed responsibility. Far too much and for far too long.

Slippery little suckers, these unconscious belief patterns. They're with us and around us all the time - like the air we breath - but until we notice them, they have more power over our lives than we can imagine. So, having acknowledged this unconscious guilt pattern as a living breathing part of me, I did some research as to how this belief can manifest itself. I found references to people suffering from an unconscious need for punishment (hmmm) as well as feeling responsible for the emotional and physical well-being of everyone else. The drive to make things right, to put others first, to heal the world and to make amends. Because, after all, it's all my fault - isn't it? The more I researched, the more boxes I ticked - and the more my smile widened. Ha! Gotcha! I see you - and you see me. And, right in front of me, the guilt dissolved, and we both gave a sigh of relief. It had been accepted, and forgiven. And in it's place stands innocence - something I thought I might never feel again. Another gift - more valuable than anything money can buy. And it's mine to keep - thank you.

I went back and reviewed the less than positive news from a new perspective. And I realised it wasn't my fault. Whereas my fall-back position has often been "what could I have done differently here?" it suddenly became clear that the issue laid not with me, but with something outside of my control. I had already done more than enough, so I responded with strength and kindness. And the situation was dissolved - right then and there.

Now I have even more flexibility. Now, yes, I can still ask myself the often healthy question "what could I have done differently here?" and I can also take a step back to ask myself whether it really is something to do with me - or whether, perhaps, it's nothing to do with me at all. Now I know that I'll recognise the difference.

I thought I'd done it all. I thought I'd come just about as far as I could. I thought I was doing really well. And you know what? I have been doing really well - and I still am. I shall continue to take responsibility for my actions, and for the way my life is unfolding. Now, though, I can accept that precious gift of perfume in the way it was intended - with innocence and love.

Lessons From The Men I've Loved

Well here it is - and here I am. More learns, more growth, more emotions and more questions - some helpful, others less so. Some warming, others painful. All, none the less, useful lessons resulting in unquestionable personal growth. So, in the shower a couple of days ago, I decided to think about all the lessons I've learned from the men I've loved - whether as friends, family or lovers - because I'm realising that some of my deepest learns have resulted from some sort of relationship with the opposite sex.

Let’s start with the earliest male influence in my life – that of my father. Whenever I was around my Daddy I felt totally loved and adored. And I, in turn loved him back completely and utterly. He always told me that anything is possible, and through him I believed in magic. After all, wasn't he the person who could build a plane out of bits of wood, paper, glue and paint, and make it fly... with a real engine? He taught me how to play and how to fight as well "you must always know how to stand up for yourself" he'd say to me. We would walk together, laugh together and sometimes cry together – and I knew he’d always be my world. So when he died so suddenly when I was just four years old I learned some profound lessons. Some of which have been helpful, others not so – all of which have certainly had an influence on the way my life has unfolded since then.

The helpful lessons include these specific ones I still hold dear, which are that anything is possible, there is such a thing as magic, and that dreams really do come true. These remain some of my guiding values and, rightly or wrongly, have keep me going through many of the darkest periods of my life.

One of the not so helpful and equally influential lessons – a subconscious one I’m still unravelling – was the belief that I wasn't good enough for him. That quite clearly he didn't love me enough, because if he did surely he would never have left me? I learned what it means to feel abandoned, afraid and alone; and as a consequence I learned to keep my distance from anyone who might start to mean too much to me. I also learned to keep myself locked away so that I could never be hurt like that again.

My less than positive lessons were compounded twelve years later by the treatment received from my guardian. It was while I was under his roof that I learned it was safer to please than to speak out – better to fit in, to be a good girl, to do everything I possibly could to make my guardians' lives easier and make myself invisible. I believed that if I could do that successfully, then perhaps I would be able to maintain the unstable home he and his wife were providing for both me and my little sister after the death of our mother. I’d seen the way he treated his wife. I’d witnessed his cold behaviour towards his small children, together with the endless jibes and gossip about his friends and family behind their backs. I understood the threatening uncertainty of our predicament and knew I had to keep both my sister and myself safe and away from his radar.

But in the end my best wasn’t enough and I couldn't save the situation. I couldn't win his heart and we were both thrown out despite my best efforts to placate. And so another lesson was compounded – that once again I hadn’t been ‘good enough’.  This time, though, I'd not only let myself down, I'd let my sister down as well because I'd failed to keep her safe. And on top of that I must surely be a very bad person to deserve this treatment. Again, a deeply engrained lesson that has clearly been behind some of my less than healthy life choices since then. 

Fending for myself at a relatively early age made me toughen up in a way that many of my female friends had yet to discover. So rather than having close girlfriends, I tended to have a collection of close male friends. I found them straight forward, straight talking, and fun to be with. I found I could be myself with them, and felt chuffed when they called me 'an honorary bloke'. I learned a great deal about their approach to life, and being in their company strengthened the male side in me - something, I'm sure, that has encouraged me to be so driven in business. So determined to carve my own path and make a name for myself. These, I believe, were all good lessons. Perhaps, though, there was a fall-out as well. Perhaps I neglected my feminine side as a result. My instinctive, nurturing side. 

Oh, sure I could be nurturing to others - but not to myself. You see, I'd learned from the men in my life to stay strong - an approach that served me well at the time. If I hadn't been strong during my teens and twenties, then surely I would have broken down in to tiny pieces. So I learned how to become driven and focused. To believe that I was invincible so that I could deal with any situation. I would be the first to stand up against any injustice that had been suffered by another. I would put my neck on the line time and time again for those I believed had been wronged or misjudged. Because I knew I was strong enough to handle anything - look at what I'd already survived? On top of that, for much of my life I believed that I had a point to prove - that if I kept myself together and could prove that I was a good and worthwhile girl, well then perhaps, just perhaps, maybe one day I would no longer be a bad person and might be loved for just being me.

The change happened with the birth of my son when I was 30 years old. All of a sudden I started to consider that perhaps I was already good enough - in fact, perhaps I always had been. Through him I learned the meaning of unconditional love. I was enchanted and intoxicated by the exquisite and sometimes overwhelming feelings of gratitude and love I felt for this small defenseless person who utterly depended on me - and who absolutely trusted me to provide whatever he needed. And through my love for him, I finally realised for sure that my father would never have left me on purpose. I also began to understand that I had been holding on to a series of unhelpful subconscious beliefs that had shaped my life in to some less than positive twists and turns. So I embarked on my quest to consciously re-shape my life - a journey that is still continuing. I became a dedicated student of self-development and self-discovery in a bid to help me unravel the harmful lessons I'd absorbed through my earlier life. 
Paradoxically, I was the strongest I'd ever been - emotionally, spiritually and physically - when I met Cam nearly three years later. At the top of my personal game, it never occurred to me that he was anything other than who he professed to be. Through my relationship with him I learned about commitment, contentment and the fulfillment of my life's dream - to be accepted and adored for who I was. 

Despite the fact that since then I've discovered the grisly truth about him, those experiences are still mine to keep. Despite the fact that my feelings were never reciprocated, it doesn't matter a jot. I'm proud and grateful for those feelings. Because I felt them myself... honestly, willingly and with all of me. And I loved those feelings. And through what's happened since I discovered the truth, I have learned for certain that I am a good person. That I am enough. Because even though I could have crumbled as a result of his deceit, instead I've been able to draw on my strength and positive determination and I've pulled myself and Dylan through. On top of that I've grown further in the process - and am continuing to grow on a daily basis! So, as I've said before, I'm thankful for the deeply cleansing qualities of the whole ten-plus years he was an influence on my experiences. How on earth could I choose to feel anything else but gratitude?

And the most recent lessons from a man I've loved? Well, Simon has shown me the depth and breadth of the lessons I've been learning - and I know for sure that through our relationship, some old and deeply engrained patterns have shown themselves to have been finally shifted. I'm confident that those lessons are well and truly learned and absorbed - and there is no need for me to experience them ever again, at any level. And as for the thunderbolt of love I described at the summer festival? It remains with me to this day and is mine to keep for ever. Because, as I said at the time, it came from something bigger than the both of us, and stirred something deep within me that had not been reached before - at least, not on a conscious level. The power and innocence of that love meant I could love safely with Stuart - deeply and honestly. And at the same time be authentic to myself - something I'd failed to do previously in countless other relationships, be it with friends, family or lovers. So thank you, my Chevalier, for helping me on so many levels that will positively shape my life going forward. Thank you also for an on-going friendship that I know will stand the test of time.

And now… now… I have a sneaking feeling I may have found a new teacher to take over from all the male influences in my life. Someone who has been there all the time, but who has been waiting in the wings. Or, put another way, perhaps someone who I'd refused to acknowledge. This person, though, is someone who will never leave me - someone who has never left me. Someone who cannot let me down, and who understands me completely. Someone who is absolutely with me, on my side, and will do everything within their power to make sure I live my life to the full, and fulfill or exceed all of my dreams. 

So who is this person? Well, it may come as no surprise to learn that this person is me. Yes, little old me – Mel Carnegie. Here it is, and here I am. And I'm now very happy to announce to anyone who cares to listen, that I’m in once again in a committed and deeply loving relationship. But this time, it’s with myself. And right now, that’s the most important relationship in the world.

White Heat And The Stranger Within

Today I've woken up to find I'm a stranger to myself. I have the same body - the same arms, the same legs, the same face - but I'm a stranger inside. I'm a different person from the Mel I knew yesterday - today I simply don't know who I am, but that's no bad thing. You see, it's been another of those life-changing weeks... well, actually, the past few weeks have all had something pretty big happening to be fair. This one, though, well it heralds the end of another chapter and the beginning of a new route. Two major events have prompted me to reconsider where I'm at and where I'm going.

The first was earlier on in the week in Scotland. Because I saw him. Yes, him, my estranged husband. The person who prompted me to start this blog in the first place. He didn't see me, but I saw him. From a distance, but it was him. The last time I saw him was in April last year when I dropped him off at the airport. At that time I had no idea what I was dealing with, and we had parted with an embrace, a wave and a "See you at the end of the week!" Just three days later I discovered the truth, and I have neither seen or spoken with him since.

So, whilst in the town where he is still living, I was a tad nervous about bumping in to him. But I had no need to worry. Chance had decided that our paths wouldn't cross - and so I plucked up the courage to make my own luck and seek him out for myself. I knew it was just something I had to do. Something that would help to heal one more part of the pain. I had no idea how I might feel, or what reaction I might have to seeing him - so I made certain to keep my distance from the place I knew I'd find him. And there he was. I saw him.


The intensity of my response took me quite by surprise. The white flame of passion roared loudly as it coursed through my body. Starting at my solar plexus, and shooting skyward with such an extreme force it nearly knocked me off my feet. So what was this passion that so quickly overtook me from nowhere? Love? Pain? Fear? No. It was something I've never quite felt on that level before. It was fury - pure, white fury that burned right through me with the intensity and speed of a magnesium flame. The shock of it made me stand up straight and tall, catching my breath as the heat of it burned away more of the old scars that I've been holding on to. I was both rooted to the spot and also shooting up to the sky. Quite extraordinary. And that was it. That was all I had needed to do. Nothing more, nothing less. So I walked away. And, as with many other deeply emotional experiences this year, Simon was right by my side.

Which leads me nicely on to the second major event of the week - much more recent, and much more raw, this one also came from nowhere and has rocked my world with more intensity than I had expected.

Simon and I have broken off our relationship and returned to being friends - deeply connected friends, but just friends. We knew from the start that our relationship was based on a long-term friendship, and have always only committed to total honesty with each other - nothing more, nothing less. And through this honest and loving relationship, we have both grown. But the realisation came that we were not ready to continue the way we have been heading - a case of too much too soon, with far too much healing still needed. A good thing. A wise decision. The best way forward. So that, in itself, is no surprise - not really.

No, the surprise this time is the roar of conscious awakening that is coursing through my soul. It's ferocity is really quite overwhelming - and once again I can feel myself being released from yet another burden. And yet I'm sad. Very sad. But the tears I'm crying are not for the breakup of a relationship. No, they're to do with something much deeper than that - although I can't quite put my finger on it. Then again, it doesn't matter. I've learned this lesson over the past 18 months or so. Emotions are not logical - and it rarely makes any difference to trace back to their origin. In fact often that approach can be damaging. So instead I'm just letting them come and I'm breathing through them, knowing this is just another stepping stone along the pathway of my wonderfully colourful life.

I have learned this week about keeping my boundaries. About standing up for myself. About speaking up when something isn't right. And I've also learned that, despite myself, I have been pretty lax about keeping my boundaries clear. Too focused on healing the world rather than looking after myself. Too swift to brush aside small things that have upset me, rather than stand strong and face them. Too willing to believe I'm strong enough to take on the world. Because you see I'm not - and why on earth should I be? Who said I had to be super-human? Nobody else but me. And today I've realised that I don't need to be super-human, and nor do I want to be any more.


No. I am little old me. Mel Carnegie. A 45 year old mother who's already experienced a pretty extraordinary life, and who intends to continue living with passion and authenticity - whatever happens. And so that's why today I am a stranger. I'm waking up to a new identity. Reaching within myself with honesty and kindness to discover a wealth of quiet areas I can explore. Being gentle on myself, and looking after myself - because if I don't, then how in the world can I expect anybody else to do the same?

Mel's World - Out Of The Wilderness

These days I'm finding it practically impossible to call back the darkness of the past 18 months. Yes, I can remember the horrors, I can recall the pain, I can bring to mind the endless sense of wading through treacle in my efforts to overcome the countless hurdles that rose up in front of me. But I can no longer make any true association with those times. I can no longer feel the experience as being anything to do with 'me'... because I've moved on so far, so deeply, so sincerely, and so completely, that those experiences are now nothing but a memory.

And although I no longer have a full sense of it - thank goodness - through it all I've certainly grown. And this time I've grown and learned properly. Once and for all. Those experiences have probably taught me more over 18 relatively short months than I've learned during my entire 45 years on this planet. And as you know, I've hardly been short of, shall we say, 'learning opportunities' along the way!

It was a few short weeks ago that I was enjoying an evening dinner filled with fun and laughter with my friends that the term "Mel's World" was coined. Peter had said, in his typically ebullient manner "Mel's World - I love it. What a great place that must be!" And you know what? He's right. Because my world now is full of love. Full of fun. Full of opportunities. And at the same time it's calm, peaceful, safe and satisfying. In more ways than I could have possibly imagined just a short time ago.

These days, it seems, I'm truly living 'in the flow' and I feel at one with the world - and with myself and also those around me. Opportunities keep presenting themselves. Key people keep appearing in my pathway - teachers, friends, business associates, and positive influencers. And I am able, with every opportunity, to make good use of what's in front of me - to the point now where my days are filled with openings, beginnings, possibilities and, most importantly, the chance to live my life as I'd always dreamed. I can live here in my beautiful French home, content in the knowledge that projects are continuing to show themselves, enabling me to use my skills and experiences for the bettering of myself and others. I can work to a timetable that suits me. I can allow myself time to relax, as well as time to focus and really get things done. I can work with people who inspire me, and in turn can work to inspire others on more levels than I'd previously been able to reach.

During my wilderness months, though, the picture couldn't have been more different. There may or may not have been more opportunities opening up for me during that time that I just didn't see - I don't know. But what I now know for certain that, whatever the case, I was in no state to receive them fully. For instead of finding the peace and calm I sought so desperately, I've come to understand that in fact I would regularly found myself flummoxed by my own repetitive self-sabotaging behaviour. Thoughts, words or deeds - all of them subconsciously ruining things despite my best conscious efforts to stay positive. This is tough to admit, and tough to write - but I am doing this for a good cause. To write honestly about what I'm learning - warts and all - in my intention to help others by sharing my own experiences.

I have been involved in many ridiculously toe-curling incidents over the past 18-months, which I can now admit to and accept. For example, I would often drink too much - and frequently end up in conflict or compromising situations that just made me feel worse about myself. I would push myself to the limits - emotionally and physically - telling myself to keep on going even when I was exhausted. I would experience moments when I was so enveloped with anger that I couldn't see a way forward. And as for the time when I snapped my cruciate ligament - well, that really was an accident just waiting to happen. I was lucky to escape with a relatively minor injury! Self-protection had gone out of the window as I stubbornly struggled to fight my demons, and to find the love I craved. But you know what made the difference? It's only now becoming clear. The one thing that made the difference was this...

After each ridiculous incident, I started learning to have greater patience with myself. I decided to imagine myself as a confused and hurt child, and reasoned that in my experience a child doesn't do "bad things"  deliberately - and neither was I. So there was no point in telling myself off any more. I reasoned that the better option would be to cast aside any judgement, and instead forgive myself for whatever misdemeanour had occurred. Unconditionally. It made sense on a logical level, but on an emotional level - boy was that a big ask! And yet... deep breaths and positive self-talk at the ready, slowly I stopped beating myself up for my ridiculous behaviour, and instead learned to love myselfthrough the event. Those "mornings after" for example, rather than berate myself for once again making a bad situation worse, I would reassure myself that "this too will pass" and slowly started to accept and live through the feelings of shame or embarrassment - without judgement or criticism. And as my acceptance grew, my self-sabotage behaviour decreased. And as I forgave myself on the inside - well, so the outside started to reflect my slowly growing sense of peace. To the point now, where regular self-sabotage is a distant memory from the past.

Because now my world and my experiences are supportive - and surprising. Not just sometimes, but constantly and consistently. Just last week, for example, I was lucky enough to find myself in the wonderful situation where I was a delegate on an inspirational training course. For the first time in years I was the one receiving the input! I was the one who was learning and being motivated! I was the one whose mind was being stretched with new ideas and new methodologies - and boy did that feel great! And you know what? That ground-breaking course came to me as if it was a gift. Out of the blue, totally unexpected, and totally right for me.

This post is for anyone who has known or who is still experiencing their own wilderness. My intention has been to explain, warts and all, that even as we may feel ourselves sinking in to despair and self-loathing, even if we find ourselves repeating the same old destructive patterns - despite our best intentions; even though we may feel we can never be good enough, whole enough or lovable enough... the journey starts from within. It is said that the darkest hour is the one before dawn.... so no matter how grim it may seem, the sun will always shine again. And as it is within, so it becomes without.

Wilderness times are not "bad times" - they're the times of growth and discovery. The opportunity to finally find out who we really are. The time to put an end to putting up or making do, and to start living life to the full. It's the invitation to love ourselves - fully and unconditionally... yes, even through those seemingly unforgivable behaviours. For these are the things that become our greatest teachers - and eventually, our best friends too. Because by taking a look at ourselves and dealing with these things honestly and without judgement, so we can free ourselves and claim the life that is truly ours to live. My wilderness has helped me to find who I am.... and I'm deeply grateful. Because, you know what? Mel's World is a blummin great place to be - and if I can come through these experiences feeling whole and complete, well then so can everyone. And I, for one, am standing right here for anyone who's going through any kind of wilderness-thinking. Keep going. Keep the faith. And one day all will suddenly make sense.

And to finish? As if by magic, here's another perfect example of the world I'm now experiencing. An automated email has just this moment come in that sums up exactly what I've just been writing. It's a regular note from Neale Donald Walsch's website, and this is what it says:

On this day of your life, Mel, I believe God wants you to know...

....that there will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That
will be the beginning.

Louis L'Amour said that, and he was right. We must let it go. All of it.  It will look as if your life is over, and that everything you have worked for has collapsed. 

Actually, its construction will have just begun.

It is so trite, I know, but I must say it anyway. I have to say it.

"For every door that closes, there is another that opens."

This is the door you have been looking for...but you could not hope to find it while you were locked behind the first one.

Perspectives - Thoughts Or Senses?

This is a subject that's fascinated me for more years than I care to remember. It's to do with the perspective from which we choose to experience living. It's also, I believe, to do with the way in which we've learned how to think about things. And I'm surely and certainly coming to the conclusion that many of the ways in which we have been guided about how to do things - how to focus, how to achieve our goals, how to create the lifestyle we'd like to have, have actually been misguided. I'll do my best to explain. 

One of my particular areas of interest, as those who have experienced any kind of coaching with me will already know, is the use we make of language. How the words we habitually use to describe ourselves, or our situation, can provide the keys to what is really happening for us. Many of my clients, for example, will come to me looking for solutions to a situation they describe as something they "should" do, or "need" to change, or "have to" do something about. The fact that these restrictive, or punishing words are being used, tells me instantly that there is an internal conflict going on for that person. It's like there's a part of them that's quite literally scolding another part of them - although we're rarely actually taught about the impact of such language on ourselves and on others. When I'm working with someone, or a team, their language can quickly tell me where there's a gap - a void. How, unconsciously, they're continuing to repeat the very pattern that is bringing them the results they say they don't want. 

So I'll invite them to find other words to describe the same situation, and at the same time bring a sense of connection and power - so that they can stop the battle about what they "should" or "must" be doing, and instead move through that to find the key that can actually create the changes that have been so difficult to resolve. Because once that internal battle is dissolved, then they are free to work on whatreally counts. Until that is done, they'll continue going round in circles - and as a result will experience frustration and self beat up because they can't make any progress. It's not rocket science - it's actually very simple. And the simplicity is what, sometimes, means it's difficult for people to believe.... until they actually experience the changes when they choose a different description to explain the same situation. The situation itself doesn't change, but the way they feel about it changes completely. And this is what I mean about perspectives.

Another example - and one of my particular bugbears - is the way in which numerous positive thinking books, and motivational teachers, will encourage us to focus on what it is we want from life."Get absolutely clear on what it is you want, and just how much you want to achieve it!" they'll enthuse "Make that vision real, so you believe what it is you want!" Now, all very well meaning, and I'm certainly not dismissing the good intention here. Far from it. What I'm questioning is, from my experiences, the continued inappropriate use of words. Because surely, if we state and re-state how much we want something, well then we're never going to have it - not now, not ever. Because all we're actually focusing on is the want... the lack.... the non-havingness that we're currently experiencing. It's like those well-meaning people who say with absolute certainty "I WILL do that thing" whatever it happens to be - go to the gym, stop smoking, find the right relationship. But no matter how much energy and passion we put in to the word will, that's exactly what it remains. WILL and not IS.... because no matter how fast we may choose to run towards that goal, each time we re-confirm that we WILL have it, well that's all we can experience. The sense that some time in the future we will do or have that thing we so desire.

So how do we fall so easily in to these traps? Why doesn't something stop us - or at least raise a warning flag to alert us that, perhaps, we've taken a wrong turn? Why do we continue blindly following the"shoulds" the "wills" and the "wants" - is it purely because we've been taught that this is the correct way to achieve our goals? Or is it something else? This, for me, is the crux of the matter.

I believe that, too many times, we are taught to assess the world purely through our cognitive, thinking ability rather than through our senses. The feelings, the instincts, the soul if you like, that exists within each and every one of us. Our thoughts, it is said, create our reality. And I absolutely believe that to be true. The thing is, though, if we don't check our thoughts through our internal feeling process, then how will we know whether the thoughts we are choosing are actually achieving what it is we say we'd like to have more of or less of in our lives? How on earth can we know whether, even with all the right intentions, we're inadvertently heading down the wrong track?

I remember attending an Anthony Robbins 3-day seminar some years ago. It was an amazing experience, and one I would recommend wholeheartedly. But there was an incident on the second day when I just couldn't help chuckling to myself. He was encouraging the audience of thousands to take control of their life. To feel good about themselves. To BE who they choose to BE - and not settle for anything less. And he had everyone following a chant to remind them - The Winners Creed. This, more or less, was how it went. Mr Robbins would lead with a phrase, and the entire audience would follow it with passion. So imagine, if you will, the pumping music, the hyped up audience, and the highly effective speaker leading the chant:

"Now I am the voice!" (now I am the voice!)

"I will LEAD not follow!" (I will LEAD not follow!)

... and instantly my impish giggle started, and wouldn't stop. Here were all these people following along to exactly what was being fed to them! Now, I'm not saying that this was done on purpose, but I couldn't help but titter at the irony...!

We're taught to "go for it" to "reach out" to "seek and we shall find".... but instead of searching for something "out there" how often are we encouraged to go within ourselves instead? I was talking with a dear friend on Friday about this. He was telling me how he's got to make changes, how he's got do do certain things in order to achieve some major shifts in his life. I invited him to consider, then, what he was actually creating through those thoughts. I showed him how to go within himself and check in with his feelings - and the result was astonishing. Because it helped him to realise that all the time he thought he had to find something "out there" he was re-confirming the "fact" that his life right now was far from ideal. And all the time he's doing that... well... guess what... his life would remain exactly as it is. I reminded him of the countless stories about prisoners of war, who, regardless of their grim situations, continued to imagine themselves in a place of peace and beauty.

There's an account about one such prisoner who was a keen golfer. He used his time in solitary confinement to imagine he was on the fairway, practicing his golf swing. When he was finally released - yup, you guessed it - his ability on the golf course had increased ten-fold. The point here is, he wasn't imagining he would be on the golf course when he got out. He was imagining he was already on the golf course. He'd found the key that seems so elusive to so many of us - including those of us who avidly follow self-development and improvement teachings.

So my point is, the perspective we choose will always have a huge impact on the results we experience. As a perfect example, consider the picture above (Aude Oliver, Massachusetts Institute of Technology) which depicts two very different people. Close up, most people will see Albert Einstein. But move away from the screen, and Marilyn Monroe will take his place. Brains or beauty? Thoughts or Senses? We all have choices.... 

I, for one, believe that the most powerful choice remains in noticing the feelings that are inside us. In accepting those feelings, and nurturing the sense we would have if our lives were exactly as we would choose it to be. Because once we can achieve that, well then the rest follows. Yes, I believe our thoughts do create our reality - I have plenty proof of that from my own experiences. I also believe, from my own life experiences and from testimonials from my coaching clients, that the real trick is in acceptance of the good stuff rather than chasing things that we think are outside of us.

Have a go - it's easier than you may think!

"Follow Your Heart" - Childhood Inspiration

I've just had another of those "ah-ha" moments and felt compelled to write. You see, tonight I've found an audio file of a record I used to listen to when I was a child. I've been looking for many years for this particular recording to no avail. For some reason (you know how it is!) I just managed to find it tonight, with very little effort. It's a recording of an old 45rpm record I used to have when I was a small child, Beatrix Potter's "The Tale Of The Flopsy Bunnies" read by Vivien Leigh - the link is at the end of this post for anyone who's interested.

It starts off with the Flopsy Bunnies cheerfully singing along together "We don't care, we don't care, we don't care a fig, there's a lettuce in the pantry but it isn't very big. It won't last tomorrow, I'm sorry to say, but tomorrow is another day..." and goes on to tell the tale of how the little rabbits went over to Peter Rabbit's place to ask for some cabbages, how they got in to some trouble along the way, but how they eventually escaped and got home safely to their family with plenty to eat. Many of us, I'm sure, grew up with these wonderfully innocent tales from Beatrix Potter - but it wasn't until this evening when I heard the entire track again for the first time in 35 or 40 years (!) that I realised the relevance and importance of this particular audio track.

There is one particular song that has stayed with me throughout my entire life, and I must say I have often wondered at the significance. But now I've just heard it again in sequence with the rest of the story and the accompanying songs, everything is falling in to place - and old memories have been triggered. For me, the story tells of a bunch of cheerful rabbits (children) with a bright outlook and a remarkably positive attitude to life. The crisp British accents, and the innocence of the jolly songs is, perhaps, just a quaint peep back at yesteryear... but it's something that I now know for certain put me in good stead to deal with the challenges I've faced and overcome since my own childhood. And it serves to remind me just how important it is that we teach our children well. How important early influences can be and how, if they're the right ones, they can carry us through for many many years to come.

The Flopsy Bunnies, you see, worked together and looked after each other. Together they faced and overcame the dangers of becoming made in to rabbit pie, outwitting the gardener who was intent on capturing them for his tea. All the time they kept a jolly smile on their faces, and nurtured a certainty that all would work out in the end. They'd been taught by their parents, you see, that all they needed to find food (nourishment and safety) was "a nose and a little faith" lessons they had learned by means of a song, Follow Your Heart.

When I was a little girl, it was simply the fact that I liked the tune - and, fancying myself as a bit of an actress, I'd spend hours singing the song and acting out the story to my 'audience' of dolls and teddies - and sometimes my baby sister if I could get her to sit still long enough! As an adult, the song has come to mean so much more to me. For it is something I have regularly referred back to during times of trouble. Just remembering the crisp clear voice of the singer, and the gentle tinkling music in the background, has transported me back to those times of innocence and magic, and helped me to remember that things are OK and that somehow there is always a way through - no matter what. It has reminded me that I can get through anything, that the most important thing is to believe and to listen to myself - that I am OK, that I can find a better way and that I will survive.

I can remember first listening to that record snuggled up in the arms of my Daddy - breathing in the smells of tobacco on his thick woolen jumper, and listening to the deep tones of his voice resonating through his chest as he hummed along to the tunes. As of this evening, I can now also remember singing the song to myself quietly in bed, tears streaming silently down my face after he had died. I remember singing it in my head to help create an attitude of defiance whenever the tears threatened to fall again when I went back to school. I also remember writing the lyrics in my orange covered school rough book when mum was taken ill, and again many more times after she had died. Last year, when I discovered my husband's betrayals, I would hum the tune and try to sing the words through the sobs and my desperate feelings of abandonment. And you know what? It worked.

It worked not only because each time it took me back to that sense of safety and warmth with my father, but also because the simple words actually tell a story. It worked because despite everything that happened, I have been able to keep myself open, to do exactly as the words advised all those years ago. To follow my heart, just as the song invites, and to find love and peace in a world that had on many occasions threatened to engulf me. 

Tonight, as I heard the song for the first time in decades, the tears rolled freely down my cheeks - but this time the tears were of joy and gratitude. Gratitude that I am who I am and that I am whereI am. As parents we're encouraged to teach our children well? Well, I was taught very well indeed, by very wise parents whose love still carries me to this day. And I am grateful. I just hope that I can give as much to my own son.

Follow your heart 

Just where it takes you 

And it will take you anywhere you want to go 

And if you should ever be in doubt 

Your heart will always find a simple way out 

Follow your heart 

Follow it blindly 

And it will take you on a journey to a star 

A million million miles need not be very far 

Just follow your heart 

And there you are!

Carpe Diem

...which is part of the longer phrase from Horace: Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future."  For me, this means to make the most of every opportunity that is presented. To live like there is no tomorrow. To exist in the flow of now. To be grateful for the gifts that are around us - right here, right now. Or, to quote another famous saying "eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may die!"

This was been brought home to me with a resounding thud this weekend, and made even stronger through a conversation I had this morning with my beautiful friend Vera. I learned at the weekend that one of her friends had been killed in a freak motorcycle accident. Less than 40 years old, married with two young children, this young man had set off on his own to ride a cross-country route he knew very well. As usual, his wife was waiting for him at the normal finish point, expecting to take him home and enjoy their customary family evening meal together. But he never returned. Concerned that time was passing, she called his friends who went out to look for him. They found him some five hours after the accident had happened - he'd fallen off and hit some rocks - and of course by then it was too late.

This morning Vera told me how yesterday she had gone to the undertakers, to find her grieving friend still sitting with the body of her husband. She was lying against his cold and lifeless shoulder - and as she saw Vera enter, she pulled herself up to greet her, but she wouldn't (couldn't?) let go of her husband, so she stayed there just rocking back and forth, and moaning with the agony of it all. The way it was described to me it seems like the most shocking and heart-breaking scene of human suffering - one which nobody should have to endure. And I know that this is just the start of it - for now this young woman will have to find a way to get on with her life, for herself and for the sake of their two young children. Although I don't know them personally, my heart bleeds for them.

And it made me think. It made me re-evaluate where I am. For yesterday, you see, was one of those not so good days for me. I'd allowed myself to become tired, and all the little niggles of everyday life had suddenly appeared much more threatening. I'd allowed myself to remember the battles that still lie ahead of me, and I found myself lured back in to the feeling of sinking in to the quicksand I'd fought so hard to escape. Those all too familiar feelings of hopelessness and fear suddenly seemed to be lurking once again, threatening to gain power and suck me in to their clutches... and I was struggling to shift them. So I decided to let them happen. To allow those unwelcome emotions to have their moment and to wash themselves through. But rather than be dragged through with them, I instead just did my best to observe them from a safe distance. I wasn't going to let them get the better of me, nor was I going to fight them. My choice was to just let them be. Give them their space, without fear or judgement, and know that they'd pass through in their own time. 

This, I believe, is what's called acceptance. Acceptance of what is, acceptance of who I am, and acceptance that some times are going to be less shiny than others. Because, surely, whatever I'm feeling (welcomed or not) this is all part of who I am. Since I'm only just finding out who I really am, well I believe this is all part of the process.

In bed, much later on, I decided to take a good look at where I've got to compared with where I was last year. So I had a read through the stories I've posted on this blog since I very first started. And I'm amazed. Amazed at the honesty with which I shared my feelings at the time. Amazed by the overwhelming pain and confusion that I endured and overcame. Heartened - and amused - by the determination of my quest for something else. My unwavering belief that things were always getting better. And also saddened in a way at how long I've fought, and how many battles I've faced. Through the stories I recognised a small yet determined girl, fiercely focused on staying strong even in the face of untold horrors and uncertainty. And I smiled.

As I've said many times in recent posts, now I'm finally finding out who I really am. Now I've finally discovered where to look for peace and contentment - and, more to the point, how to accept them. Along with the good stuff, I've learned to accept everything else that comes along with this wonderous thing called life. And OK, so yesterday wasn't one of my shiny days - but it still fulfilled life's constant promise to bring forth unexpected gifts. Because once again I grew a little bit more. I became even more of who I already am - and in turn I grew to like myself even more through the process.

So, you see, there really is no need to worry or feel down about anything anymore. Acceptance of even the 'bad' stuff is acceptance of all there is. And all there is, is everything there is. And if I were to die today, well I'd die knowing that I've lived life to the full, and to the very best of my abilities. I've grown through adversity, and I've learned to accept that there's always a way through - no matter how hard or how scary the future challenges might seem. For that is all they are - future challenges. And that's all.

Today, right here, right now, life is good. I am already living the life of my dreams - I live in a beautiful home, I have a wonderful family and the most amazing bunch of friends around me. I have food on the table, clothes on my back, and a warm place to lay my head each night. And yes, I have the biggest plans for the future - great goals to keep me inspired and on track.

But that's all those plans are - future plans. And you know what? The fact is that in a way they're already achieved. Because I ALREADY feel good - about myself and about what I'm doing.

Babatunde Olatunji, the Nigerian drummer, educator and social activist puts it this way: "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. And today? Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present"

So carpe diem seems an apt and fitting statement for where I am. Because NOW is the time to celebrate. NOW is the time to feel love. NOW is the time to know that life is good - and seize it with both hands, to jump in with ALL of myself. Honestly, openly, and with joy in my heart. 

You can check out this performance from Babatunde's album Drums of Passion - and FEEL the truth in his wisdom :-)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wp1PKuqwPk