Sanctuary In Healing

Hmmmm.... well, it's an interesting point don't you think? IS there sanctuary in healing? WHERE'S the sanctuary in healing? Sometimes this pathway to peace can be a rocky road. There are obstacles along the way - situations that arise to question even the strongest of pilgrims, together with well-meaning people who doubt the wisdom of the quest because it brings change. Those of us who choose to walk this pathway will naturally be met with resistance - and some things that used to be so real, so right, so important as a way of life suddenly become something completely different. And that's OK.

I remember one of my earliest teachers, Dr Patricia Crane, telling us how she had been surprised at the beginning of her personal journey to be urged by a famous speaker to "reconsider this pathway. Think carefully about the choices you are making. Because this is not an easy road to take - and once you've started there's no turning back". At the time I didn't fully understand the implications. But now, now that I feel I'm truly living in the way I'd always thought was possible, but didn't know how to find, I sense a deep resonance with what that wise teacher was saying. It certainly hasn't been easy to move through the multi-faceted layers of habitual emotional garbage I'd been unwittingly carrying and feeding for so many years. The challenges have been shocking, painful, and at times down right exhausting - but throughout it all I have never given up my faith that there IS a better way. I've soldiered on. Right from early childhood (as those who have followed my story will already know) I knew there was more to life than the confused and hurtful experiences that I was expected to believe were the reality of our human existence. And now I believe I've found that place - and, more importantly, how to get there. Because I also now know for a fact that for many years I'd been looking in the wrong places - so no wonder it had been so elusive! No wonder I had become so frustrated with what seemed like an on-going battle against mighty forces that appeared hell-bent on throwing obstacles in my way!

Now I've found the 'trick' to this quest, and I feel as though through the fire and brimstone I've finally found the holy grail of self-discovery. Now I accept all the good, the peace, the contentment, the joy, the love... everything I'd ever searched for... and I'm just giving myself time and space to settle in to this new way of being. And, as I settle, I am already finding that I'm more able than ever to point others in the right direction as well. Those who have asked for help over recent times, describe feeling 'calm' 'centred' 'peaceful' 'loved' and all manner of words to explain their experiences as they accept new ways of being who they really are. They look at me with surprise when I ask gently about whatever it was that was troubling them before they came to me - because the troubles have simply dissolved as a result of the work we've done together. And each time this happens, it re-confirms to me my own deep feeling of joy and completeness. Of safety, gratitude, and wonder at what life is REALLY all about.
So I'm now setting up my own sanctuary in healing right here in my home. Because that's what it already is. The natural positive energy here is abundant in every sense of the word - and it has certainly helped me to overcome my own challenges over the past 18 months. Together with my skills as a coach and healer, well, it's a natural choice isn't it?

And because I've put the intention out there, well so it is now becoming reality. Just a couple of days ago, during a phone call with my dear friend Kathy, she told me that she'd been talking about me to another friend of hers who already works in this field. They were considering alternative locations for their annual "me time" visits to places that offer peace and rejuvenation for the soul. Out of the blue Kathy had piped up "well, I have a feeling that Mel might be thinking of doing something like that" although I hadn't actually said anything to her!

In so many ways it's "already done" so now it's just up to me to accept whatever is happening to bring it in to reality. My own Sanctuary In Healing is coming in to being. Right here. Right now. Right time. Right place. And I'm ready.

Blip... Blip... Blip... That's Life!

The past few weeks have, as you'll know, been somewhat of a continuing revelation to me. And you know what? I'm realising that this is just the beginning. Rather than reaching completion, my true journey has just begun. For just as I think I've got it, just as I'm sure I understand, the very moment that everything makes sense to me - well, then all of a sudden "Wham!" and I'm jolted forward by another shock-wave of learning. The ride continues and I'm once again invited to accept an even greater expansion.

A relatively short while ago I may have been tempted to label these moments of growth a "bad" thing, because when they happen I find myself thrown off-balance and full of unanswerable questions. Well, OK, perhaps I wouldn't actually have described them as a "bad" thing, more perhaps as another "challenge" - by which I would mean something that's at the least annoying, in most cases scary, and in some situations terrifyingly threatening. Whatever the case, these moments of change certainly were not occasions I would look forward to - quite the opposite in fact!

But now things are different. Now I have learned to welcome their arrival. I've learned to gently move through the feelings that come with them, to accept the lessons they bring and to wait for the expanded understanding and deeper peace that always waits the other side for me. In fact I'm now so comfortable with them that I've even given them a nickname. These moments are now called "Blips", and they're helping me to expand in to the richness that is life. And boy is it happening quickly!

Blips of some sort or another are now happening regularly, at least every few days and sometimes more frequently. Sometimes they last a few moments, other times a good few hours. As I stand back from them I can imagine them as a rhythmic pulsing pattern - a throbbing heart-beat invitation from the life-force of the universe itself, pounding through me and urging me to live life to the full. Each one brings a new revelation - either a clearing of something from my past, or the forging of a new pathway that I hadn't known before. Each new revelation results in greater awareness, fuller acceptance, and deeper peace.

So what, exactly, am I talking about? I'll give you a couple of examples, perhaps it will help to explain.
The first one happened on Saturday, and lasted for quite a while. I'd just arrived in the UK, with much excitement and anticipation, as it was to be my first stay with Simon. Fairly soon though, the excitement turned in to something else much less inviting. We were sitting in his front room and I felt a wave of panic rising up through my body. My heart rate was faster, and my smile had disappeared. I knew it was a Blip happening, and on Simon's request I did my best to explain what was going on for me. Rather than being dismissive (as I had experienced from Cam and others so many times in my past) he seemed totally understanding of my peculiar description of "a bunch of atoms and wormy-things whirling about and escaping from the top of a tube!"  We left the house and went for a wander in to the town, while I continued wrestling with the curious sensation that the top of my head had been taken off, and magic popping dust particles sent whirring around my entire body. 


These are not "pleasant" sensations - they're off-putting to say the least! But as I said earlier, I've learned to accept them and look forward to the extended good feelings that always follow. A few hours later all had subsided. The wormy-things had all returned quietly to their tube, the popping dust had gone and my head was back in one piece. My heart felt bigger, my smile was coming from within, my eyes were sparkling, I felt at peace and full of joy. I'd reached an even greater level of acceptance and growth - and I felt amazing! The message? It's safe for me to accept all the good and all the good that's being offered to me - the clearing of an old childhood pattern that made me afraid to accept the good stuff, for fear it would be taken away.

Another occasion happened just last night. Very quick, very unexpected, and very profound. You may remember that I've been particularly upset at times by people not understanding where I have been in my journey? People who, as far as I was concerned, were showing indifference rather than understanding to my plight? Well, how's this for a Blip that puts all these concerns away for ever? It suddenly dawned on me that, rather than being unconcerned about my situation, there were some people who (consciously or otherwise) through their actions had been showing me "another way" rather than allowing me to totally become absorbed in to a false reality of negativity. Let me explain. 


There have been times when all I've wanted has been a cuddle or a shoulder to cry on - but on some of those occasions, people I expected would have offered those, have instead chosen to ignore my words, and in some cases go on to complain about the terrible problems they have been facing! In the past, I have sometimes chosen to take these rebuttals as a personal hurt - a swipe against me in my time of need. Last night's Blip showed me they were in fact quite the opposite. Let's see if I can explain what I think I've learned.

While we're trapped in the thought-patterns of worry and negativity, experiencing life as difficult and scary, we expect people to provide the succour we believe we need at that time. Yet by providing such support, the other person is, inadvertently, buying-in to the illusion that we are somehow suffering - and, therefore, compounding the energetic vibration behind the situation. Am I making sense so far?

On the other hand, the person who offers no such support but instead chooses to talk about unrelated things, or even decides to ask something of us instead of offering support,  is refusing to buy-in to that way of thinking. They're refusing to perceive us as down or beaten, and instead are seeing us still as the strong person who's usually there to laugh with or to help them in some way. Now then, it may be excruciatingly frustrating at the time when these things happen (I know, I've been there!) but as my Blip allowed me to realise (to see with real-eyes) last night, in fact these people are showing the way forward - if we could just understand it at the time. They're offering the opportunity to help us re-calibrate our thought forms, our 'self-talk' if you like, and inviting us to heal from the situation in which we find ourselves.

It doesn't mean, of course, that we don't still seek the normal levels of support that pull us through these times. It simply means that those annoying ones who don't seem to 'get it' are perhaps the ones who still see us as healthy, happy and whole no matter what our situation appears to be. So, for me, rather than berate those who I thought were deserting me, I can now love them and thank them for refusing to treat me as beaten. For forcing me instead to do something different.

I don't know whether I'm right or wrong with these revelations that are coming to me - and in truth, I don't really care. Because these Blips are providing me what I DO care about. And that is peace, joy and freedom from the chains that bound me for so long.

Blip Blip.... Blip Blip.... Blip Blip.... The heartbeat of the universe continues to pulse it's wisdom and love through my body, breathing life in to my finally freed soul, while I soak up the wonders of this glorious life that's longing to share it's bounty with each and every one of us. I choose life - and life, in turn, is choosing me.

What A Journey - Or Perhaps A Pilgrimage?

"The map is not the territory" is one of those phrases I've found to be very useful over the years - although I must confess to not totally understanding it at times! The map? Or the phrase? Well, both to be honest. For now, though, my personal take on it is this. You can trace a journey, you can plan a route - but it rarely turns out to be anything like the actual experience!

For the past few weeks, you see, I've had a grin on my face that matches the warmth I now feel in my heart, in my body and in my soul - through and through. Nourishing. Comforting. Safe, secure and happy in my own skin. That elusive 'something' I seem to have spent my whole lifetime searching for is finally mine. For keeps. No matter what happens any more.

Those who know me will vouch for the fact that I've long since dreamed of completing the Camino Trail Pilgrimage - through France and on to Spain - after being inspired years ago by Shirley Maclaine's book The Camino. Raw and honest, it charts her own pilgrimage on that very trail, and it's held a huge fascination for me ever since. The place I live in France is very close to the trail, and is filled with history, mystery and magic, for it's a place where the Templar Knights once had a strong hold. I hadn't realised this at the time we moved here, of course, but it does make some sense to me now in explaining the instant 'pull' I felt for the place that since that moment has been my home for over seven years!

Today I decided to look back over some of my earlier blogs, and it's blatantly obvious to me now that I've already completed my own personal Camino Trail right here - without even leaving my home. For the journey I've taken, the trials and challenges I've overcome along the way, have surely led me to this sense of peace that I now know was always my birthright - and I also believe to be the birthright of each and every one of us.

I used to believe that if I ever found true happiness then it was time to die - for what else could there be? Why else would we continue to live - to search, to journey - once we'd found the Holy Grail? But I was wrong. And to be fair, how on earth could I have known how it would be until I experienced it for myself? Yet in searching for it, I'm now certain I was also subconsciously holding myself back. The irony doesn't escape me.

Since that incredible Saturday afternoon at the festival, that moment when I received the gift of love, I have changed. And there's no going back. I've felt it in my soul - yes, I've chosen to fight the feeling on a few occasions since then, but no more. Peace is now my natural way of being - and it feels amazing! Since then, when I've spoken to people on the phone, or seen them face to face, my friends have all confirmed what I already knew to be true - that I've transformed. That I'm now calm. No more Tigger-like bouncing. No more manic enthusiasm. Just peace. Calm. And gentleness. Don't get me wrong, the enthusiasm has by no means diminished - no, far from it. My optimism and positivity have grown beyond my wildest dreams. It's just that now I've just somehow managed to let it all in properly - to finally be it. To accept it and allow it to nourish me - in the way that nature intended.

"You sound very different!" were some of the first words my wise friend Kathy said to me during a telephone conversation just last week. "Your voice has totally changed!" exclaimed Audrey, who normally expects me to greet her calls with bounce and energy. "You look different - kind of shiny!" was a comment from Gillian when I saw her a couple of weeks ago. And I know it to be true. I feel that I'm radiating peace and happiness now. I know that I'm finally in the place I've always wanted to be - but I don't 'want' any more - because now at last I 'have' it. Does that make sense?

The journey has been rough. I've been to the darkest recesses of my soul. I've faced my demons - emotional and physical. And yes, it's true, there have been times when I thought I'd never come through. Times when I feared I would succumb to insanity - or worse. But now I've reached this place of peace, I can look back over whatever got me here, hold my hand on my heart and give thanks to every single one of the challenges that I've met along the way. Thank each and every body-blow. Thank each time I've been knocked off my feet, winded, wounded and wailing from the pain. Because now I've found salvation. I don't wish to sound all evangelical here, but I truly do believe I've found the light. And now so many of the ancient texts make perfect sense to me - no longer just as a 'theory' or a 'story' but as an absolute truth. Because now I feel it for myself.

Now I feel cleansed. I know that nothing now can harm me. I am safe. I am secure. And I am absolutely determined to share my experiences with fellow travellers - and aid them along their own pathway in every way I possibly can. This is my life's purpose - it's taken over 45 years for me to find my own peace. Let's hope my experiences can help others to achieve their goal in a shorter time.

I've started now, and I'm absolutely poised. Ready, willing and able to do whatever is required of me - because something bigger than me now flows through my soul and is already radiating in my life. Relationships are reaching new depths - friends, family, and of course my connection with Stuart, my own Templar Knight. Brand new projects are coming my way - exciting and meaningful projects I would not have dreamed of being possible just a few short months ago. I feel very blessed. Very lucky. And everywhere I look I know I am very, very loved.

Bless you and thank you - to every single person who's accompanied me along my pilgrimage. You all know who you are, and you all have a very special place in my heart - for ever.

The Gift Of Love

Do you ever come out of a situation wondering how on earth what just happened, happened? Feeling that your head's been taken off, messed around, blown away and then replaced? Knowing that, on the deepest of levels, your life has somehow changed for ever?  Well, I'm in that very place right now - and I didn't even see it coming.  Something totally unexpected. Completely left-field. Crept up while I wasn't looking - then again, ain't that just like so many things?

I've found love you see, just when I wasn't looking for it. That in itself is a huge shock to the system. But even more peculiar is the fact that it's not 'love' in the conventional meaning of the word. Or at least, certainly not in my usual understanding of it. This may not be easy to explain, so I'll just do my best.

It's all centered around a recent visit from Simon, a friend of mine I used to work with 20 years ago. I hadn't seen or heard from him in many years until we hooked up last summer on Facebook. Instantly we had the same easy click we'd always shared before. At that time, I'd only recently discovered about my husband's betrayals and I was just beginning to realise the enormity of the trouble I was in, so to re-connect with someone I'd counted as a good friend all those years ago was great, particularly because of the setting in which we originally became friends. For me you see, the time when we worked together was one of the most energetic, expansive and enriching times of my life.

We were part of a team of 20-plus people from all walks of life, who worked and travelled together selling advertising space for Yellow Pages. It was the first time I'd ever experienced the power of working in a cohesive team that really looked out for each other, supporting each other through thick and thin. To feel the pure magic of team spirit, the almost unquantifiable 'something special' that succeeded in pulling together a diverse and exceptionally colourful group of people with the most extraordinarily strong bonds. For me, that was the time when I first felt truly successful at what I was doing, and I loved every minute of it. It was also during this time that I fell totally and utterly in love with another work colleague - a passionate but illicit affair that was doomed to failure, but that none the less touched my heart and soul in a way that has only ever been matched by the man I went on to marry (another doomed relationship as we all now know, but this time for totally different reasons!)

Simon, of course, was there throughout all of those times - he was always the calm voice of reason, the person others could turn to for advice and guidance, and a loyal friend to everyone in the team. I was delighted to find him again after such a long time.

Over recent months, Simon has had his own issues to deal with culminating in the breakdown of his marriage after a 30-year partnership. It was clearly a very bleak and frightening time for him, and I could feel his pain. Although my situation was very different, I felt I could empathise and help him in some small way. I keep copies of the huge collections of emails, texts, messages and letters that I received from friends and family who continue to send me love and support over my difficult times - and I re-read them whenever I feel in need of a boost. So, appreciating the power of positive messages from my own experiences, I determined to do my best in supporting Simon in the same way. I'd post a message on his wall when he described a dark day. I'd send private messages with more details - words of encouragement, directional pointers, positive reinforcements. And I'd let him know that, as my friend, he was welcome to come over here and chill out. To relax in the natural healing energy that is abundant in this welcoming French countryside I'm lucky enough to call home.

Well, a short while ago he did exactly that, and arrived at my home for a stop-off on his epic journey that was going to take him way further south. It was great to see him again - I could see that the 'old' Simon I'd always known was in there somewhere, but the person who stood in front of me was a stranger - care-worn, fatigued and clearly in a great deal of pain. A brittle shell bravely fighting for survival, and my heart went out to him because he so closely mirrored my own pain from last year. And I promised myself, and him, that I would do everything within my power to help him through.

The first couple of days found us talking, sharing and laughing about the old stories as he gradually opened up - allowing me to freely employ the range personal and executive coaching skills for which I'm known. Every angle, any opportunity, without respite - I focused on re-igniting the spark I knew was there. On finding the true essence of who he is so that he could move as quickly and effectively as possible through the pain that he must overcome.

We talked. We walked. We cried. We challenged. We fought. We ate. We drank. We played. We sat in silence. We roared with laughter. And no matter what, we kept on going - kept on moving through, even when it was scary. And little by little the spark burned brighter as we breathed life back in to his soul. Before my eyes I saw the person I had known so well coming alive again. His eyes gave the first sign that things were changing - clearer, more open, as once more the deep hazel green hues started weaving the mischief and fun I recognised from our Yellow Pages days. Then came the smile - the dimple that suddenly appears from nowhere, the crooked cheeky smile and familiar chuckle that made him so popular all those years ago. And I was pleased. Pleased that my friend was returning, and pleased that I was clearly still as skilled in the profession I love so much. But it was more than that - because the more Stuart regained his strength, the more he started replaying the lessons back to me. And the more he continued to reflect back, I too started to change.

It was slow at first - creeping up so that I didn't notice what was happening. But soon it became clear that  I was, perhaps, not as far forward as I had previously thought. Clear that, even though I had believed I'd done really well over the past 18 months, there was still room for growth and learning. Clear that although I'm now happy and feeling free, there was plenty more within me yet to be discovered - and, therefore, plenty more outside of me that I can achieve and accept as a result. So, with Stuart's help, I found myself starting to open to the idea of more possibilities and joy in my life...

At the weekend we travelled south to Bordeaux to the Sun Ska Reggae festival. Simon had secured VIP access all areas passes for us both and while it took us over three hours to foil the determined efforts of the French resistance security team who were hell bent on refusing us correct entry, once we finally got in it was amazing! It was Friday evening just before midnight, and there we were standing in the wings backstage while Bob Marley's Original Wailers performed to the crowd of some 30,000 fans. It was absolutely breathtaking! We were touching distance from these legendary musicians while they opened their souls and shared their messages with the crowd - I thought I might pop with the enormity of the experience!

I have always loved live music - but this was something else. To actually be there. To be surrounded by the sounds, the vibes, the people, the atmosphere. To see the backstage workings. To meet the legends whose music I had loved since I was very young. Bob Marley himself has always had a special connection for me, since he died of cancer in 1981 just a few months after my mother - who died on his birthday, 6th February. So it is somehow fitting that it was there, at that festival, that my own spark was jolted in to being.

Simon and I continued with our chats and explorations - bobbing and weaving, challenging and cajoling, encouraging and edging forward on our healing mission. And on the Saturday it happened. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I remember with crystal clarity what it felt like. All of a sudden it was as though I couldn't breathe. My heart started fluttering, and I felt the crown of my head opening up as an enormous whoosh of light and love flooded down to me from beyond the clouds and right through in to my body. It seemed to reach in to my soul, and I was rooted me to the spot. I remember the stunned blinking, and turning to face Simon, my mouth opening and shutting because I was unable to speak. And at that moment I saw it in his face as well. It wasn't just me. He'd had exactly the same experience. As if from nowhere, like a bolt from the blue, both of us had fallen in love. With each other, through each other, as a mirror of each other... all of those things, none of those things, and so much more.

But this wasn't what you'd expect. This wasn't 'normal' boyfriend girlfriend stuff - no, it was something quite different and very very safe. A sense that the love was coming from somewhere beyond, somewhere much further reaching than either of us could comprehend. A feeling that the love from the universe had suddenly reached us - both at the same time. And suddenly I knew that I'd come home. I knew then that some of my antics in my efforts to find connections over recent months, some of which make me wince with embarrassment, were all OK. I'd been right to search for connection. For love. And in seeking it so honestly, finally it had been delivered.

Through Simon, on that day (particularly auspicious, not just because of the Wailers and my mum's connections, but also because it happened to be the very day when I'd made my commitment to Cam 12 years earlier... also in a field, and also camping... ain't life sometimes weird that way?) I had been given the gift of love.

And this time - now - I know it's for real. This gift is mine to keep, no matter what the future might hold.

NOW I'm alive. NOW I'm ready. NOW I am me - and I accept it all, at last. I've seen the light and I've felt the love... and it's absolutely amazing. Life has now begun. I AM alive, and things will never be the same again.

Pain, Shame And The Winning Game - A Shark's Tale

I've been writing. And writing. And writing. "What and where?" you may well ask, since I've been very quiet in blogging terms, so the writing's sure not happening on this website! Yes. And that's because I've had my head down writing the manuscript for my first book. It's something I've always wanted to do since I can remember, but it hasn't been until recently that I've found the confidence to get on and do it. The outline has been 'out there' for nearly a year now - after all, I signed the contract with my agent. But getting the manuscript itself written has been proving itself to be somewhat of a difficult birth!

Hardly a labour of love, it's much more what you might call 'cathartic' as I find the courage to write my story. Keeping the end result in sight helps enormously, and it also helps to imagine in detail the reactions of people I intend to benefit from the tale - their expressions, their words, their situations. But going through it - well, that's another matter. It's been necessary to revisit certain episodes of my life to give credence and colour to the narrative. And it's tough. And it's draining. And it's very very sad.

It's tough to go back in to the black experiences in my past where I've felt so helpless and lonely. It's draining to dredge up old emotions, to go through old evidence, to revisit past happenings and see everything with new eyes. It's sad - heartbreaking - to understand how my naivety, positivity and trusting nature, the very part of me that friends and clients react to so positively, are the same parts that led me so willingly in to the lions den that very nearly claimed my sanity and perhaps my life.

Pain and shame is a good way to describe some of the emotions that are swirling around me at the moment. Not for the 'real life', not for the 'here and now' but for the 'then' which made up so much of my life. Pain at the excruciating hurt and anguish that came as a result of my naivety. Shame at the way I allowed so many things to happen. At my willingness to sacrifice myself at the alter in the wolf's lair - without any hesitation or even a backwards glance. At the fact that despite all this, despite giving my all, I still failed on the one goal I'd set out to achieve - being part of a nurturing and happy family for the rest of my life. That, indeed, is what has proven to be my downfall. Staying so fixed on the subconscious goal that I was blind to the realities. Oblivious to the day-to-day signs that could have shown me another way. Ignorant of the deliberately manipulative tactics of others, instead believing that the 'bad stuff' was somehow my fault. Instead accepting 'the edge of sanity' 'exhaustion' and 'crazymaking' as a normal set of feelings. Because I was told that this is what normal life is all about - and I believed my sources.

So this book is about taking meaning from the madness - for others as well as myself. And it's a tough journey to explain in writing.

Today is the twelfth anniversary of the day I met and fell in love with Cam. It's a massive confirmation to me for how far I've moved forward, since I didn't even realise the significance of the day until this afternoon! As I've said before, this day was always the most important day in the year for me - a day that signified true love, gratitude, safety, the finding of my true soulmate. It was a day that we would celebrate with gusto, and I would look forward to it for weeks!

This time last year I was trussed up in a full leg-brace, not yet realising the extent of my knee injury. I was equally ignorant as to the level of debts that were going to come out and bite me, since the major ones still hadn't hit. Surrounded by wonderfully supportive friends yet still I felt so desperately alone, and was still torturing myself trying to make sense of what had happened. Where had I gone wrong? What could I have done differently? How could I have been a better wife? How did it all fall apart when we'd been so strong together? All questions which, as I now realise, were utterly futile - but perfectly normal for people who have a healthy emotional response - and the very same questions that did nothing to alleviate my blindness in the past. The same sort of mindset that kept me oblivious to the truth. The very same approach that must have made me a superbly lively and entertaining mouse to the fat cat who was just toying with me.

At the same time, I did my best to keep hold of my optimism throughout all the difficult moments of last year. I believed, despite all indications to the contrary, that somehow I would find a way through. That somehow Dylan and I would be alright. That I'd be able to keep our home, and somehow find self-respect once again. That one day my confidence would return and that I may be able to earn a living using my skills as an executive coach. That one day I'd be able to look at myself in the mirror once again. Yes, I kept hold of those ideas even through overwhelming evidence that I was clearly kidding myself. No income. Debts. Injury. Who was I trying to convince...?

It's these very same attitudes of optimism, self-exploration and personal responsibility that made people perfect bait for the coldest most ruthless of sharks. Sharks who sneer at the pain of another and who thrive on confusion as they deliberately muddy the waters to disorientate their target even more. Pain and shame is what allows these sharks to win - and that's all they want to do. It's the only thing they know how to do. Anything else they pretend to be, is just that. Pretence. But for the rest of us, the 96% of the population who have a code of ethics, an emotional response, a conscience, we simply cannot comprehend that this kind of creature can exist among us. It simply will not sit in our frame of reference - even once pointed out. For even once the truth is laid bare, we will still struggle to come to terms with the fact that the person we thought of as being like this or like that is actually no more than a hollow shell. Automatically we will still revert back to our own feelings of guilt for some imaginary support we failed to provide. And that's what can make recovery such a slow and painful process.

But these feelings of pain and shame are what are driving me right now. And I must find the courage to work through them - honestly and in detail - so that I can make my story real for others. So that, perhaps, other people reading the book will finally be able to move through their own feelings and do something to help themselves. And in that way, then perhaps I've secured one more step forward in my battle to move in to the light - perhaps the very attitudes that led me blindly in to the lions den are going to be exactly the same attitudes to lead me through the darkness and out to salvation. Because when I take a step back to see what I've achieved by staying positive and (some would say) naively optimistic in the face of continued challenges, they seem to be working pretty well so far!

• Top Banana is set up and I'm making all the right contacts to keep work coming in and growing the business - clients new and old are all poised to make this autumn a very busy time!
• I've met all of my day-to-day financial obligations and paid every single bill on time - although sometimes I really don't know how! 
• The book is coming along nicely - and the plans becoming more audacious by the day!
• Most importantly, though, Dylan is thriving on all levels - and is growing in to just the most wonderful young man, and cool and handsome to boot! 
• Plus, I've got more friends than I can ever remember, new as well as a raft of old friends now coming out of the wood work - I am rich indeed!

So yes, those very beliefs that made me an easy target are indeed the very same beliefs that are helping me to win through in the end. The difference is that now I know the difference. Now I know how to keep these feelings authentic. Now I know to trust even the smallest doubt and question even the slightest concern. I've discovered from recent experience that I can now spot a shark from a mile off - and I also know that they can never be tamed. So I won't even go in to the water to try. Instead I'll head off in the other direction without even a backwards glance.

Oh yes, indeed, pain and shame may be the winning game for sharks - but it will also be their downfall. Because it's taught me how to beat them at their own game. And soon, very soon, I'll be showing others how to do exactly the same. They ain't seen nothing yet..... Bring it on....!!!

Petit à Petit L'oiseau Fait Son Nid

... is one of my favourite French sayings. The literal translation is "a bird builds it's nest little by little" but the deeper meaning is more along the lines of "with time and perseverance goals can always be accomplished" - and that's where I am today. Finally my nest is coming together. And finally I am straightening out the little niggles that have been pecking at my conscience.

You see, things are falling in to place. Almost as if by magic. And it feels so good!

On a recent visit to the UK, for example, I had a magical time catching up with old friends I haven't seen in years. Dave on the Tuesday night for the first time in seven years, Craig on the Saturday for the first time in twenty, and Tanya's parents, on the Sunday for the first time in three years. I've also deepened existing friendships - Beatrix and I had a magical Friday evening together that lasted right through until gone 4am on Saturday culminating with an impromptu firewalk in her back yard. OK, it was only two steps, but we repeated it plenty of times!

In a couple of weeks I have another old friend from 20 years ago coming to stay. That same month I'm hooking up with a school friend who's visiting the UK, and in the beginning of September yet another old school friend I haven't seen since we were teenagers is also coming to visit here in France! Just last week I had the Princess and the Runner here to stay (you know who you are!) and it was fabulous - my friendships are getting stronger and stronger, and my life is enriched as a result.

And I'm also strengthening the relationship with myself each and every day - although I must admit it's not always easy. A couple of weeks ago, for example, I spent two days observing a 'training' event for the 250 top-tier leaders in a hugely successful UK PLC. It's the first in a series, and they had asked me to provide feedback on the event and help them to make the following planned events more successful. A great opportunity! But as I was observing the whole situation, I felt myself getting more and more uncomfortable with what I was witnessing. Double-speak, manipulation and bullying and at it's nastiest - because the delegates, the so-called valued leaders of this organisation, the very people the event was allegedly designed to help, ended up feeling that they were somehow at fault.

I heard the whispers and read the fearful thoughts that leaked through their behaviour and body language. "Perhaps I'm too stupid to understand the messages? Perhaps I shouldn't really be here? Perhaps I'm just being tested and singled out for the next round of culling?" It was nasty. Insidious. And I began to wonder to myself whether I was trapped inside the Matrix. Surely I wasn't the only one who could see beyond these masks of professionalism that the heavy-weight speakers and organisers were preaching as "openness" "honesty" and "one team"...? Or perhaps it's just that I'm now indelibly tarnished from my experiences with Cam - and my in-depth knowledge and appreciation of abusive behaviour. Perhaps I'm automatically seeing the baddie in everyone and everything?

My answers to these inner questions came in three different ways. Firstly, there was a consultant there at the event who had been working with this particular company for the previous eight months. We were sat together on the same table and we immediately bonded. She echoed my thoughts and concerns, and also shared more in-depth background on her own viewpoints over the time she's been working with these people. I felt delighted (and a little bit smug if truth be told) to discover that my observations over such a short space of time were exactly the same as hers after eight months involvement. Ha, so I haven't lost my touch then!

Secondly, as I was driving away from the event, I received a call on my mobile from the person who'd originally introduced me to the company. I'd worked with him some seven years earlier when he was with another organisation - the work had made a significant difference to him and his team, and he was keen to get me in to this place. Now I understood why. He explained to me his frustrations with the company, and how their unreasonable demands and relentless bullying had resulted in his breakdown a few months earlier. He stressed that he's not the only one, but that the culture is to keep your head down and do anything to survive the blows. That way of working goes totally against my grain, and I felt desperately sorry for these genuine people who were surely just being used and abused - empowerment was a joke, a word that the leaders were telling everybody they had to achieve (and berating those who didn't) but only so long as they remained in their box and 'did' empowerment as the leaders expected. Again, I'd seen all of that about the culture in a very short space of time - ha!

Thirdly, a great friend of mine (a very senior HR professional) gave me this simple comment when told about the horrors of this particular organisation: "Sounds like a client you don't want to be working with, however it reminded you how good you are. Cutting to the chase on the analysis issues so your team can deliver!"

So, the answer is no. No I'm not seeing horrors in everything. No it's not that I'm tainted. No I wasn't wrong. In fact I'd say that, on the contrary, I've become stronger and more accurate in my observations, and certainly more authentic in my responses. Because I sent this company a brief but honest feedback report on my observations, together with a short email stating that I'd happily go in to more detail as and when they chose to move forward with me - confident that they had no intention whatsoever of calling me back. Because, as I found out on the first morning, they already have a consultancy working with them, and they certainly don't need another. In fact I have no idea why I was invited in the first place - unless they thought they'd get a full-blown guidance report for free! The response came back as expected, that they thought the event was a huge success (of course) and they're taking my feedback on board as they plan the next events (because, actually, they don't want to change anything).

So, job done. Professional integrity in tact, safe escape from a toxic company, and a clearing of the pathway to make space for clients who really do want to make a positive difference.

And guess what? One such new client has immediately come in to play. Fun, forward-thinking, with clear integrity and a major passion for developing their people. Oh, and they're also worldwide with fantastic plans for the future. During the meeting we spoke the same language and shared the same passion. Now that's the kind of client I'm going to love working with and will happily give my all!

Petit a petit, petit a petit. What looks like a failure can be released in place of the hidden treasures that sit behind every situation. And, while it often feels as though I'm taking one step forward and two steps back, I know - I absolutely know - that little by little I'm making progress, and building solid foundations on which to create my new world.

Form E - Disclosure And Discovery

These past two days have found me completing a complicated and (in my humble opinion) unnecessary 36-page form that apparently plays a critical role in my divorce. It's all about the money, you see. It seems it's the only way a marriage can actually be measured. The disclosure of financial circumstances that define the "pot" from which a judge will decide the appropriate division of assets. Except in my case, for reasons that I've explained before, there is no pot. There is just a gaping great big financial (and emotional) hole in the place of what I thought was a partnership built on love, trust and mutual respect.

I've already been called stupid, blind, delusional and all manner of other descriptives when it comes to my explanation of the car-crash of a mess that I find myself in since the discovery of how my estranged husband had been behaving behind my back. And seeing the contents of this particular form in black and white, well, I can understand how many people can believe that to be the case. In fact one of my trusted friends said exactly that to me just this week - in so many words anyway. She told me, with tears in her eyes that I need to "get real" and "take my head out of the sand". Harsh, but meant with the best of intentions. So I chose to listen.

And through listening, and biting my tongue on many occasions, I learned that actually I have been doing the best I can and I have been facing the problems head on. What I've clearly failed to do, however, is to understand and take on board the specific and process-driven language of the law. And along with that, the accepted approach that is expected in completing such a document that is destined for the eyes, opinion and ultimate judgement of the legal system. A way of being that I have to say I have very little faith in following the scarily contradicting advice I've received from numerous solicitors, debt advisors and other professional bodies from whom I've sought advice over the past year. Each one professing to have the solution. Each one promising me that this is the law. The way. The only solution.

It's been an eye-opening journey of discovery that has resulted in my conviction that it is up to me, and only me, to find a way through the maze of difficulties I've had to overcome since I discovered the email trail that told me beyond any doubt that my marriage was a sham. The absolute and irrefutable proof that I had pledged my love, commitment and (blind?) faith to someone who was prepared to not only lie and cheat, but who would also abandon me to a pack of money-starved wolves baying for my blood, without even a backwards glance.

So to be told by this trusted friend that I'd hidden my head in the sand for too many months and also advised that I need to "get a grip on reality" was a pretty hard pill to swallow. But then my interpretation of those words is only that. My interpretation. Perhaps it wasn't the intention. And that was the only reason that I listened. And I'm glad that I did.

Because through my friend's emotionless approach (don't get me wrong, she cares deeply for me and is concerned about what's happened, but she was able to approach the task in a non-emotional way that was way beyond my capabilities) I learned that many of the things I wanted to say, in the way I wanted to say them, were in fact highly likely to go against me in a court of law. I learned that this form, this pain-in-the-arse pile of paperwork that demands my total disclosure of the miserable and excruciatingly embarrassing financial situation that I'm in - along with the proof documents that would back up my confessions - could actually be the key to the clean break I'm seeking. That I'd be wise to rise above my emotions, distance myself from the perfectly justified fury I feel, and place the cold hard facts on the table. And all in such a way that a totally dispassionate judge might be able to grasp the whole situation and make a decision in my favour. I still cringe and fight about the idea that a judge might hold the power to give a verdict on what should or shouldn't be given or taken from me, but I'm having to learn that this is the law of our land. Ass or not, it's a constitution whose rules I need to understand so that I can do my best to let them work for me rather than against me.

And yet I'm tired. I'm all washed-up. The fight and the fury has gone. I've been placing every ounce of energy in to building a business so that I can get out of this mess. To re-build my self-esteem and re-create a business that works for me rather than against me. To create and live the life I've always wanted to live. On my own this time, yes, rather than with a life-partner. But still, to find myself in a place of peace where I can breathe, relax, enjoy life and truly relish every moment rather than fearing each letter that arrives in the post. Without dreading every 'out of area' phone call on my landline. Without holding my breath whenever there's the announcement of a new email on my laptop. It's no way to live - but it's been my way of life for over a year now.

So it has taken super-human strength for me to attack this task with the same level of professionalism I employ when I attack my work. Thoroughly. Accurately. With focus and determination. And with a goal to finish it faster than expected. And, together with the patient help and cajoling of my friend, it was all done and dusted by 5pm today. The t's are crossed and the i's are dotted. The only things still missing are the 12-months of bank statements, which are on the way. Job done. My entire marriage explained in black and white via a series of numbers and failures recorded on a ream of photocopy paper. Kinda sad, don't you think?

Did I happen to mention that at the same time, this week has seen the first major project for Top Banana? And did I also happen to mention that my trusted team carried out the project without me being there? No, I didn't think so.

Surely, then, I must have mentioned that this is a week where my sleep has been racked by unusually violent and disturbing nightmares. A week where my natural optimism seems to have taken flight, leaving fear and solitude in it's wake? A time where my eyes appear to have adopted oversized suitcases rather than the habitual bags, where my laughter has become hollow, and every smile brings with it the pricking threat of tears that might engulf me? Hmmm... perhaps not.

Well then that's good. Because I don't want to dwell on that. Because, despite or because of my friend's well intentioned warnings, I've discovered that I do know what I'm doing - and with her help and understanding, she's helped me find a way to explain the facts to a judge so that he or she will also agree that I've approached my challenges in an intelligent and honourable fashion. At least I hope so.

And now's the appropriate time to mention - no, to shout out loud and clear - that the project my team completed this week went down an absolute storm. I am so very proud of what they've achieved. And it was Mary, an original Top Banana and the lead facilitator for this project, who put it all in to perspective. When I asked her what had made it so successful this week, she simply replied

"Because this time I could be me - we could all just be ourselves. And because between us all we could be even more than we ever were before"

This is what I'm learning as well. But you now what? Sometimes it's not easy being me. I'm not always nice. I don't always get it right. I can be annoying. I can be selfish. I can be delusional. Sometimes I'm downright oblivious to what's going on around me. But you know what? The intention is always positive. And I guess that's what I've got to learn about other people as well - yes, perhaps even the sociopaths among us. Well, actually, maybe that one will take a bit more time. But in the meantime, I know I'm doing my best - and if it ain't good enough for some people, well... so be it. But it's good enough for me right now. And I for one think that's a major step forward.