Dancing In The Rain

I received a lovely email this week which ended with the following statement: "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain and merely opening your hands to receive something better"

It couldn't have come at a better time, because yesterday was just 'one of those days'. They don't happen very often anymore, and when they do it always comes as a surprise. And while I've come through so many battles, I still don't always handle those sort of moments very well. Yesterday afternoon was no exception. It all kicked off with an email from my solicitor. One of the creditors is chasing particularly hard, and despite the fact that I've written to them to explain the situation (that I am going through a divorce, that the debt is a matrimonial issue, and that their debt is one of many that all need to be handled together) and asked them to freeze the account and address queries to my solicitor, they still insist on sending letters demanding payment and a financial statement. Crikey, if they had that they'd certainly stop chasing me as it's blatantly obvious that I have nothing whatsoever!

So, in my mind, I've already done my bit in letting people know what's happening. And also as far as I was concerned, I had explained everything in great detail to my solicitor - and I'm sure you'll remember the battles I had even hiring the right person! Someone I could trust, and who would be prepared to fight for me and with me. So it came as a bit of a shock when he emailed me with the creditor's latest demand, and said he thought I should find a debt specialist as this isn't his field! You could have knocked me down with a feather. Open mouthed and noticing the heat of anger rise in my body, I felt as though all my battles, my research, my hours talking with debt advisors had all been for nothing.

My solicitor had told me when we met that the debts were now to be handled as a matrimonial issue - and added that any advice I'd already been given by debt specialists had not taken that in to account. We'd already agreed a way forward, and I had fulfilled my part of the bargain by writing to each and every one of the companies who are owed money. So why, now, was he advising me to seek help from a debt advisor to deal with this one creditor? It made no sense whatsoever, and in fact could jeopardised the whole plan! Just as I thought I had a professional who was on side, understanding, and competent, I suddenly felt I'd been shunted right back to square one again. The anger subsided, and I was now left feeling ashamed, crumpled and very very small, and wondering again where I was going wrong.

It would have been all too easy at that stage to link together all my other 'failures' and really beat myself up properly. Trust me, it was very tempting.... and it was as I noticed the return of a familiar sneering voice in my head reminding me scathingly that I'll never win, who do I think I am, and just look at the mess I'm in, that I decided enough was enough. The tears of defeat were already pricking in my eyes, and storm clouds were gathering outside. But I pulled on my coat, shouted to Hamish, and set out for a walk.

Well, to be honest it started off as more of a stomp than a walk for me as we marched off towards the barque and across the fields together. Geoff had decided to join us as well. He's my ginger tom cat, and he hates to be left out of things. So it was no surprise when I heard him meowing, calling out for us to wait. I stopped with an exaggerated huff and shrug of the shoulders, hands on hips, eyes rolling and tongue tutting with "can't I get any peace around here?" going through my head (just think of Harry Enfield's Kevin and Perry for I'm certain that's how I must have looked). And I turned around to see him running towards me from around the corner of the lane. My face must have had the sulkiest expression in the world, but Geoff didn't seem to notice, and just tripped along happily towards us - and if a cat could smile, that's certainly what he'd have been doing. And there it was - just like that. My mood was instantly broken.

And I burst out laughing at the absurdity of the situation. Here I was, stomping around all alone, carrying my very own dark and thundery mood-cloud with me, and yet my two pets still wanted to be around me, just happy for some attention. They didn't care that I was in a filthy mood. That I was teetering on the edge of listening to that malevolent voice in my head and giving up on all the progress I've made. Nope, all they cared about was being petted and having fun. So I decided to join them. Even though it was raining, all three of us sat by the river bank, Hamish and Geoff taking it in turns to get as close to the water as possible without actually falling in, and both of them coming back for regular petting and cuddles.

What more could a girl ask for? Unconditional love and affection, beautiful surroundings that money just couldn't buy, and a whole world of possibilities stretching out before me. Who cared about a small creditor getting their knickers in a twist over in England? OK, so my solicitor had slipped up - but then don't we all do that from time to time? And just who was in charge of creating my great future in any case? Well, me of course. And stomping around in a filthy mood, just because of a small set-back certainly wasn't conducive to receiving something better in my life! No way, no how!

So I took a deep breath, held my head back, opened my mouth and I shouted. And I shouted. And I shouted. And I shouted. At the top of my lungs - just to make a noise, and clear out any unwelcome emotions that had become trapped inside me. Although I was a little hesitant at first, I soon got the hang of it and boy did it feel fantastic! Another good reason to be grateful I'm living in the countryside far away from anyone else. Mind you, the French wouldn't bat an eyelid - I'm known for being a bit eccentric!

Back home I corrected my solicitor, and re-confirmed the path I had understood we were following. I asked him to keep all creditors at bay, asking them not to write until they hear from him, and not to respond to any more letters or emails. Each one costs me, and gives me less to repay the debts. And he responded beautifully - with an apology and re-focus on the plan. Job done.

So last night I played the piano at full volume. I sang at the top of my voice. And I danced around the living room with Hamish in my arms (that poor dog has a lot to put up with!). And I went to sleep wearing nothing but a dab of perfume and a big fat smile as I contemplated the great future that is coming in to my already fulfilling life.

Happy Anniversary

It's only just hit me. And hit me like a steam train. I simply hadn't noticed it. And the sudden realisation sent shivers down my spine, and a whooshing sensation I can honestly describe as being how I would imagine an out of body experience to be. It happened just a few minutes ago. I'm still in shock. I was sitting out in my garden you see, soaking up the spring sunshine in the courtyard I'd been tidying earlier on in the day. Eager to finish the end of the novel I've been reading, and thoroughly enjoying the chorus of birdsong that surely confirmed the end of a long cold winter, I'd settled down on the wooden lovers chairs next to the area I grow my tomato plants. My dog, Hamish, was sitting happily in the other seat, and I was feeling pretty good about life. In the final chapters, the author raised the question whether, perhaps, things were just meant to be - that perhaps the characters in her story had been part of an intricate plan - call it fate or call it faith, wasn't it true that, in fact, everything always works out in the end? Her musing caused me to swiftly scan my life, so that I could gauge my response and perhaps add another opinion of my own.

And that's when it happened. I was smiling, you see, finally feeling content and generally at one with the world. Last night I'd shared a wonderful evening of fun, friendship, food and plenty of laughter with some wonderful people who are really now more family than friends. And today the sun has been shining - I've been out on my bike for the first time since my accident last year, and this afternoon I've been tidying the garden and planting seeds so that I may enjoy a rich summer of colour and perfume. I allowed myself to bask in the fullness of my life, and started to think about my new business and the wonderful future that I know is ahead of me. Absent-mindedly I was still scanning for any "life coincidences" in response to the question posed in my book.

And then BANG! There it was. Clear as day, bold as brass, obvious for all to see. Except I hadn't. With a loud and deliberate"Oh... my.... goodness!" (or words to that effect) my hands fell to my lap, the book fell to the floor, and Hamish jumped from his chair.

How on earth had I missed it? The day last year, when my life was changed for ever, is a date I thought I would never forget - Wednesday 22nd April 2009. For that was the day when I discovered the truth about the man I loved and with whom I had shared my life for more than a decade. As well as being the day that my entire reality came crashing down around my ears, the day when everthing I thought I could rely on as being real turned out to be nothing more than a sham - it was also, as you'll remember, the very day when I outlived my mother and, therefore, both of my parents. So it's a date that has been branded deeply in to my consciousness. I confess, I'd been worrying about how to best celebrate the anniversary this year. Should I go wild? Party like there's no tomorrow? Or perhaps drown my sorrows with a couple of close friends? I hadn't decided, but I knew I had to mark the occasion.

Over the past week I have been working on pulling together the very first team event for my new business The Top Banana Bunch. The leadership team now stands at 15 people, not including the teams within the team - if that makes sense. Everyone has busy schedules and work commitments, so it has been interesting working out how best to organise such an event - what it should entail as well as where and when it should be held. We started off with five dates to choose from. And with 13 out of the 15 people able to make one particular date, we settled on it. Yup. You guessed it. Thursday 22nd April 2010.

In my focus on creating a team day, I had totally overlooked the significance of the date we have all chosen. So now, as it all falls in to place, I am grinning like a Cheshire cat (I told you Alice has a lot to answer for these days!) and feeling the sunshine in my soul absolutely matching the warmth of the early evening rays.

What an absolutely perfect way to mark the anniversary, and finally wave goodbye to what has been the most testing year of my entire life. Yes, most testing, and at the same time most rewarding in so many ways. For I have discovered the richness of friendship. The strength in surrender. The peace in trust. And the comfort in the knowledge that no matter what happens, things always turn out well in the end.

So on 22nd April this year, with my new company up and running, instead of wondering as I was this time last year how on earth I was going to survive the shock and pain of betrayal, I shall be working and planning with my amazing team of Top Bananas how to bring magic and delight in to the lives of business leaders around the world.

What a difference a year makes eh? Happy Anniversary!

Through The Looking Glass

Life for me these days is really, well, a little as I would imagine Alice felt during her travels through Wonderland. And, quite frankly, I've given up trying to understand, control or predict how events are going to turn out. For whenever I think things are moving in a certain way or heading towards a particular destination, I am greeted with unexpected changes and surprises.

"Curiouser and curiouser" is a regular mantra for me these days, together with a wry smile and slow nodding of my head. And curiosity, I am finding, is an extremely useful and positive tool to keep fear at bay, no matter how menacing the apparent threat or danger of a situation.

Instead of last year's responses of panic or despair when hit with unexpected happenings, these days I find myself instead surrendering to an inner calm. A place of peace. A position of safety where I can watch the next chapters of my adventure unfold. Wondering about how it will all come right, and at the same time knowing and trusting that all is working out for my highest good.

It's when I recognise this process that I feel as though I must be in Alice's Looking-Glass House. For everything appears to be the same, and yet it isn't. What looks like a perfectly normal, run-of-the-mill sort of a day, is in fact a time where nothing is as it seems to be. I know I cannot change what is happening, and I also acknowledge that I've come through so much over the past year, that nothing now can threaten or derail me any more. I have survived - and more than that, I'm actually thriving now even in the face of adversity. So now, these days, I simply take a deep breath, relax, and wonder at the intricacies of the master plan that is surely guiding me through this maze of twists and turns.

Just last week, for example, I had wanted to give a spare key to a French friend of mine. She was having a rough time at home, and I had offered her a bolt-hole if ever she needed some space. I didn't have a spare key left, so instead I asked another friend to return a key she had been holding for me. Why? Because I didn't have enough money to pay for a new one to be cut, and also I doubted that I'd have enough petrol in my car to get me to the key cutters and back as well as complete the trip to the airport I had to make so that I could fly to London for business the following day. Yes, I'm totally used to living on the edge these days!

So, mission accomplished, I was working at my computer and minding my own business later that afternoon, when my friend appeared on my doorstep in tears. It had happened. She'd told her partner she needed some space, and had walked out of their home. Good job I had followed through with my offer and secured a spare key just a few hours earlier!

The following morning, after an evening of chatting and bonding, I had an instinct to check the level of my heating fuel before leaving for the airport. Here in rural France, my main source of heating is oil, and in this cold weather the boiler has been unusually thirsty as you can imagine! I was right to check it, as it was down to just a few inches left at the bottom of the tank. Any less and the boiler would stop. That was all well and good, I now knew the situation, but I didn't have the money to do anything about it. So, curiosity kicked in again, and I just wondered to myself how this situation was going to work out! I explained to my friend that she would need to call the fuel company and arrange for a delivery. I pulled out my two french bank cards - my current account and my credit card. I knew there was next to nothing to squeeze out of them, but told my friend to order 300 euros worth of fuel (my normal delivery is in the region of 1,000 euros) and see what they could get from each card. I smiled to myself, thank goodness she had turned up when she did, for I would have had no way to order fuel if she wasn't there.

While in the UK I had another amazing week of business meetings and opportunities. I couldn't help smiling at the irony of the situation. Here I was pitching The Top Banana Bunch to major companies - and winning work, by the way - and yet all the while not knowing whether the balance on my Oyster travelcard would actually allow me to get back home. Worry? No way. There's no point. Instead I smile, nod, and wonder at the magic of guidance and timing as the solutions unfold in front of my eyes.

It was the Wednesday morning when I had a breakfast meeting with another living Guardian Angel. This wonderful lady had offered to lend me a hand while I get the business going. And the hand she offered me that morning was financial. A cheque for 5,000 euros that I could put straight in to my French bank account and repay to her once I'm on my feet. Once again, I have been looked after, and made safe in the nick of time.

Back home, I find that my French friend had moved back home to mend her relationship, and that the oil had indeed been delivered. So it seemed that between them, the cards covered the bill! Remember, though, that like Alice's Glass-House, all is not as it seems. Because a couple of days later I received a phone call from the oil company to say that the cards had been refused. That few days of grace had meant that the heating had continued working while my friend needed shelter, and in the couple of days since my return the cheque had hit my account. So now I was in a position to order more fuel to see me through to next winter, and also pay the outstanding bill at the same time.

Timing. It's a wonderful thing. And I could never have planned for everything to work out so perfectly in the way that it continues to do. My job is just to relax and enjoy the ride.

At this moment in time, I am filled with awe and gratitude on a daily basis. I wake each day expecting surprises and miracles. And each day I experience exactly that - some days more than others, but every day something wonderful happens. I know, beyond any question of doubt, that I am not alone. That I am connected to something more powerful than I can ever begin to imagine. And that this connection is bringing people and opportunities in to my life at exactly the right moments, in exactly the right places, for exactly the right reasons.

I've said this before, and I think it's worth mentioning again. My everyday life, my surroundings, my situation, really haven't changed that much. The battles are still in front of me. The creditors are still chasing me for the debts that have been left to me to settle. Indeed, from the outside things appear much as they were a few months ago. But as for my inner world... well, it's like I've been transported to another country - perhaps even another planet, another galaxy! I simply do not recognise who I was in the days when I lived under the spell of my estranged husband. I've finally found the inner peace and contentment that I've been searching for all my adult life.

And you know what? It was here all the time. Within me. Just waiting to be found and welcomed in to my life.

I've been regularly told that I did some amazing life-changing work through the original Top Banana. Now I know with absolute certainty that the personal growth I'm experiencing means I can be much better than I ever was before. The Top Banana Bunch is going places, and I'm leading it there. And that only means one thing. Fulfillment, happiness, and an inner joy that shines like a beacon.

Oh yes, I am finally home.

Diving For Pearls

A grain of sand. That's all it takes. It all seems so small in the grand scheme of things. But what power it can create. What authority. What influence. Just one tiny grain of sand.

It's an irritant you see. It gets in to the shell of a live oyster and is trapped inside its mantle folds. In response to this foreign body, the mollusk produces nacre, the substance that creates the mother of pearl that lines the inside of the shell. By continual secretion of the substance, the grain of sand is no longer an irritant to the oyster, and the shellfish can continue to live a normal life.

Unless of course one day it is found by a fisherman in search of treasure. Or perhaps pulled to the surface by one of the famous Ama women of Japan, who dive almost naked, and with virtually no equipment. For these people, the oyster's natural defense to discomfort in turn creates riches that can help feed and clothe them, provide for their families. These pearls are then sold and go on to provide a different meaning to the people able to afford them.

Eastern cultures believe that pearls symbolise purity and spiritual transformation. White pearls are for purity, innocence, faith and honesty. Gold or black pearls symbolise prosperity and riches. Rose or pink pearls are said to work well with the heart Chakra. Throughout history, pearls have traditionally been the most popular accessories with bridal wear, and still continue to be a strong favourite today. The innocence and beauty symbolised by the pearl is echoed, and therefore perfectly matched, by the bride.

Now, that's all well and good. But what of the oyster? What of its personal sacrifice in order to create such a revered treasure that holds such significance, such beauty and meaning on so many levels for so many people?

At the beginning, when the grain of sand first enters its shell, the oyster suffers discomfort, perhaps even pain. Granted, we can't measure the intensity of the oyster's distress with any level of accuracy, but I would reckon that to an oyster, it must be a pretty nasty experience. Why else would it work so hard to cover it up, to stop the irritation?

And it reminds me of the way we human beings work hard to cover up our emotional pain in order to live a normal life. We'll create layer after layer of emotional pearl to surround the shame or discomfort until it becomes something we can live with. Perhaps until it actually becomes something that we are so used to, we don't even remember that it is there. Those layers, in some cases, might be love. Forgiveness. Understanding. Perhaps in other cases simply denial. Ignorance. Perhaps stubborn refusal. Others still may choose lies. Criminal behaviour. Even addictions and possibly death. Whatever the label, we find numerous ways to numb our pain.

For me, over the past year, I have felt stripped naked and, like those Ama divers, out of my depth and under water without breathing apparatus. And yes, there have been many times I've felt close to succumbing to the depths. Tempted to lose consciousness in the water. Perhaps to float away to a place of peace. And yet I haven't. Instead I've faced the ferocity of pain that over the years I'd glossed over with pearl. I've ridden the waves of emotions I had previously believed would kill me. And I truly believe that in the process I have died. Not in the real sense of the word, of course, but in the sense that I am no longer the person I was. Yes I'm still in the same body, but spiritually and emotionally I believe I am unrecognisable.

And now I can look at the hurts and pains of the past - betrayal, abandonment, derision and humiliation - and realise that they have indeed now been turned in to pearls. My survival of these experiences has made me a stronger and wiser person. More complete and consciously certain than I have ever felt before. Yes, like the oyster, I don't believe I asked for any of this to happen and, like the oyster, my old life has been sacrificed in the process. But now I am left with a fulness and wonderment for life that I never knew existed. I had never accepted myself as being worthy of such abundance. And yes, it took my 'death' to feel this fully - but you know what? Now I can see with clarity that... yes... you guessed it... those pearls and riches were already there. I didn't need to 'die' to find them because they were within me all the time - I just never realised it.

So back to the oyster, who literally loses its life when the pearl is released. After years focusing energy on covering its discomfort to make life better, it is killed for the very irritant that caused it pain in the first place. Is there a rebirth of any sort for the oyster? Well, I don't know that. What I do know is that their pearls, once out in the open, last for hundreds of years - and can touch the lives of thousands of people. So yes, perhaps in that way the oyster is reborn, and acnowledged for its suffering.

It is said it's not what happens to us that makes the difference, it's how we respond to what happens that makes the difference. Perhaps that's why we speak of digging deep within ourselves, and marvel about revealing precious pearls of wisdom?

Back In The Saddle Again

And BOY does it feel good! I'd fogotten just how much I've missed the feel of the authentic Top Banana spirit. How much of a buzz I get from knowing I can make a difference. How clear it is to me where small shifts and tweaks can be made, and how wonderful it is to be given the chance to inspire and encourage.

In my mind Top Banana had become so tainted, as I've said before, that I'd wanted nothing to do with it. I rejected the name and the business - together with my career - just because I was hurting. Yes the hurt was deep and justified, but by shutting out the business I was also cutting off part of myself. For in the process I was throwing the baby out with the bath water. I had overlooked where this had all come from. Cut myself off from the roots of the business, and disregarded my own set of personal skills and also my driving passion. In a nutshell I'd forgotten about the magic that created the business in the first place - the inspiration that drove me to create the name, the logo, the feeling, the personality of the company. In the good old days we used to refer to our successes as "Banana-magic" and now it feels to me as though those good old days are now back - and how. For this time it's better. This time I have more than a decade of Top Banana experience under my belt. And this time I'm driving it by myself and for myself - with integrity, authenticity and confidence.

This week I've been pulling together my first project as The Top Banana Bunch - and it feels amazing! I'm certain about the growing team of people I'm gathering around me. I'm confident in my own abilities to deliver more than is expected. And I'm excited by the buzz that's being created as a result. The business cards are causing a stir, and the website is shaping up well. For now it's still work in progress and not public knowledge, but I'll be ready to launch it properly very soon. Since you're a selected audience, can take a sneak peak now if you like www.thetopbananagroup.com

We are going to be huge - I just know it. I can literally sense the energy that's already being created just from a few meetings and introductions. And as if I needed further confirmation, one of my very dear friends rang me this week, chuckling away as he shared some interesting news. He'd just been reading the business plan and budgets that had been written by his boss. Written under the heading of "Training" were the following words: "Find the budget to get Top Banana working with us".....!! Now, I have never worked with this particular company, but as my friend gently reminded me "You have a fantastic reputation - is it any wonder that everyone wants to be Top Banana'd...?"

So yes. I'm back. It's good. And you know what? It's going to be even better than ever before.

Do I Look Good Naked?

What a question..! And one, quite frankly, that I've avoided for most of my life (along with full-length mirrors) since I seem to have suffered from low self-esteem when it comes to my own personal body image.

One of my earliest negative memories about my size is of sitting at our kitchen table in floods of tears. Tears induced by a screaming tantrum and my stubborn refusal to eat yet another breakfast of egg and grapefruit, together with my mother's clear bewilderment at my behaviour. Why couldn't she understand, and why was she punishing me? It was the second week of a 14-day regime to lose weight, during which time I was allowed only egg, grapefruit and tinned tomatoes. My sister was still a baby at this time, so I can only have been four or five years old. My mother, a top model in her youth, had clearly suffered from body issues of her own (which, in those days, were not even talked about let alone acknowledged) and was determined that I wouldn't grow up under the same black cloud. Unfortunately, her good intentions seem to have backfired. Rather than gaining confidence in the way I looked, I felt that surely there must be something wrong with me - and anyway, wasn't it just a short time earlier that I'd been forced to eat two large spoonfuls of malt every day to build me up? I felt confused, hurt and ashamed - emotions that have stayed with me for a large part of my life.

So I was suitably inspired this week by Gok Wan's TV show, when he helped a blind lady to overcome her negative body image. I found the programme particularly interesting because this lovely lady had lost her sight in her 20s, so hadn't been able to see her face or her body for over 30 years. But when asked to describe how she looked, she burst in to tears, and used words like "fat" "flabby" and "wobbly" to describe herself. Despite looking lovely, she was convinced that she was unattractive - even ugly.  Gok's job, this week, was to fix purely what was in her head - the image she held locked away in her own mind's eye. Because her lack of sight meant she'd never be able to appreciate her external appearance as seen by others.

"Simple!" some might say. "A piece of cake!" others might think. Me? Well I think it's probably one of the hardest projects Mr Wan has chosen to tackle. Why? Because this week it was purely about changing his client's beliefs, her internal perception of herself - but this time without the aid of external input. No clever use of colours or patterns, no make-overs or highlights, no long mirrors or lengthening vertical drapery. Nope, this time it was a totally different brief. And one that, so far as I'm concerned, is the ONLY real project that the rest of us ever have to tackle. That of internal self-perception, whatever that may be. And if we don't like something about our lives, the answers always lie within ourselves.

Over the past year I've personally been stripped emotionally bare, and left absolutely naked and vulnerable as the day I was born. Shell-shocked and thrust suddenly in to a world that was totally unknown. I've lost everything I once thought was real. All I thought I could depend on has crumbled and fallen away. I've faced one shock after another, and believe me there have been times when I thought I couldn't go on.

And yet through it all, while I've been fighting to survive the quicksand of constant change, I've been given the opportunity to see myself as I truly am. And through that opportunity, the priceless gift to find myself beyond the facade. Because, like anyone else on the planet, once all our clothing is stripped away, there is nowhere left to hide.

So I've been finding out about myself. Realising things that I never knew before. Discovering likes and dislikes. Strengths and weaknesses. Values and principals. And beliefs. Some things have come as a total surprise (like the fact I actually enjoy making jams and chutneys...!) and others are a rebirth of interests I'd lost a long time ago (like playing the piano and singing along loudly - it may not sound very good, but it makes me FEEL good!). And as I've been exploring and making friends with myself, with who I really am, my confidence has been soaring - as my Facebook friends will confirm!

Since the mental and emotional nakedness has been achieving great results, I decided to take a fresh look at my physical self. For as long as I can remember, and in common with so many women, I've been unhappy with the way I look. And in recent years, I've chosen to hide my body in shapeless tops, trousers and trainers. It's kept me out of danger. Allowed me to exist in the shadows away from criticism, avoiding disapproval.

Well, not any more. It's been a slow and deliberate process, but slowly I've been building up my courage and now I'm experimenting with a different look - and it seems to be working! Heels are now my footwear of choice (yes, OK, not too high since I'm lacking a cruciate ligament!) along with a foray in to skirts, dresses and flowing layers. Statement jewellery is also now part of my regular wardrobe, and I've suddenly fallen in love with belts. To start with, it's nerve-wracking, as people seem taken aback by my changed appearance and ask if I'm going anywhere special - and I realise with embarrassment just how scruffy I must have been for so very long! "Ooooh, that looks nice. Is it new?" my friends are asking. No, not new, just refurbished. Taken out from the back of my wardrobe, dusted down and worn properly, not pushed away because I felt too shy to wear it.

A bit like me really. I've been carefully retrieved from the rubble of my shattered life. Tenderly dusted down, gently repaired, lovingly polished. And now, I'm gratefully shining - and radiating a new joie de vivre that had previously escaped me. For now, finally, I can accept all of me - yes, including the niggling, annoying even downright foul parts of me. Yes, I am re-born. Yes, it's been bloody hard work. And yes, I've felt naked and vulnerable as a new born baby. But now, like a baby I'm smiling and curious about my surroundings. And as any parent knows, babies love everything about themselves, yes even the contents of their own nappy!

My change over recent months has been internal - not external. A change of perspective and approach more than a change of anything on the outside. Like Gok's brave blind lady, I finally see myself as someone worthwhile, someone who can be beautiful on the inside and the outside.

So now, after all of this, and as I stride ahead with confidence, in response to the question Do I Look Good Naked? My answer at last is "Yes I jolly well do!"

Debt, Divorce and Discovery

This afternoon Julie and I have been going through all the unopened letters that I've been keeping in a pile for the past few months. I knew what they were you see. They were all re-directed from Scotland, and related to the debts that are all in my name. Until I found my solicitor, you'll remember, I'd been told that the only way to deal with them was to sell my house here in France. So, while I was exploring options - and seeking work - I decided the best route was to leave them unopened. There was nothing I could do to take any action. I knew what they were. So they would have to wait until I had a clear way forward.

Well, now I do. So today was the day that Julie very kindly came round and opened and sorted the letters to make it a more manageable task for me to deal with. I'd meant to get this job done since my return home last weekend. I'd already seen my solicitor and we'd agreed a way forward. But somehow I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm not known for procrastination - quite the opposite in fact - but this week I've been finding no-end of 'important and pressing' jobs that took precedence over facing that pile of letters.

Daft, really. I know what's in them. After all, I completed this whole process at the beginning of October when I first became aware of two huge debts that were in my name - a major shock as you can imagine! At that time I sat down and worked out all of my commitments and started looking for help from debt advisors. You'll know from my previous posts that I have spent hours and hours talking with different people from different organisations in my quest to get to the bottom of the issue and to find a solution.  And that each time I have been given different - sometimes conflicting - advice from professionals and advisory bodies. It's been infuriating to say the least!

Well, now that I have a solicitor who's prepared to fight with gloves off, I feel I'm finally moving forward. And, funnily enough, on a route that is totally unrecognisable from the "only option" I was told was open to me just before Christmas. Persistence pays. Now the debts are "under matrimonial jurisdiction" and, as such, will be contested and need to be included in the negotiations for the divorce settlement. No matter that they are in my sole name - the fact remains that I was unaware of their existence. The fact remains that my husband acted without my consent. The fact remains that I have been duped - because I was blinded by love and trust for the person I believed was my soulmate. No more. My emotions are now in check, and I see clearly the nature of the beast I am dealing with.

And the discoveries of this afternoon have made me even more grateful for my escape. And even more convinced of my innocence in the many financial hardships we faced over our marriage. For within the letters that have been forward were a few - just a handful - that were intended for him, so should never have reached me. Of course I didn't know the difference until I opened them (for those who have ever used Royal Mail's post forwarding service, you'll know that the original address window is completely obscured by the oversized redirect label). Having opened the letters, of course I read them. OK, I accept, I should not have been privy to the contents, and technically I should really have re-sealed the envelopes the second I realised the letters were not intended for me - but hey, nobody's perfect, right?

The pile consisted purely of demands for payment - and this is only a snap-shot for I'm sure the majority of his intended letters stay in Scotland. Debt collectors, solicitors, arrears departments all seem very keen to meet up and secure a relationship with my husband, threatening entry to the apartment by fair means or foul. But he appears to be ignoring them all - strange, because not so long ago didn't I find him advertising for "new and exciting back-door encounters"....? Perhaps he's had his fill.

Among the debt collectors are a demand for £120 outstanding with a video rental company - how on earth can anyone run up such a bill? There is a solicitor's letter chasing £780 from a mobile phone supplier. An energy supplier threatening to cut off the services unless £87 is paid immediately. And the telephone company suggesting very politely that perhaps non-payment of their bill for £73 has been an oversight on his behalf.

Now, OK, most of us are sometimes a little bit late paying a couple of bills. But this, surely, takes the biscuit? As I've said before, I have earned nothing over the past year - and also suffered a serious knee injury which meant I couldn't move for a few weeks - and yet, and yet.... every single one of my current financial obligations have been met. I have a fantastic reputation with the bank, and also with the mortgage company who were going to repossess while he was in charge of the finances! He, on the other hand, has had no such debts to deal with. He has had work with at least two of our clients from Top Banana. He has also been in full time employment in a senior role since the beginning of September.

So what's it all about?

For me, it's about breathing an enormous sigh of relief that I discovered the truth. It's about realising that I was not to blame for our financial issues (although I hold my hand up to simply believing whatever he told me, without insisting on the evidence). It's about a new-found confidence in what I'm doing - and a renewed determination to fight against these financial institutions who think it's OK to threaten the "little people" - like me - without care or concern about the effects it has on families who are struggling to cope.

Those who know me well can vouch for the fact that I will fight against any injustice. Well, after this afternoon, I've discovered that I have more fire in my belly than I had previously thought. And now I'm prepared to battle against the banks, credit card companies and other financial houses - for finally I believe in my own monetary skills.

Watch this space and mark my words - this is war.